Next week is Jayden's first birthday!! I am super excited to celebrate it. It's bittersweet though, because Rob will miss out on it. He missed out on Bobby's first birthday and now missed out on Jay's. We will def miss him at the party, but will make sure that we know he is here in spirit.
Anyways, I am trying to mdo a monkey party for Jay. His nursery was done in monkeys and I would love to do his party in monkeys. Bobby's nursery and first birthday was Winnie the Pooh. So, I like to keep their first birthdays in sync with their nurseries.
I have to plan Jayden's monkey birthday and then turn around and plan a Scooby Doo party for Bobby. That should make things interesting.
So, I figured that a monkey party would be easy to plan out. Yep, it's not. I've been spending days on trying to figure out how to make a monkey cake. I want to make the cake myself and I am going to attempt to make a monkey face cake. Attempt. Last year for Bobby's second birthday, I attemped to make a Mickey Mouse cake with a Mickey Mouse pan. Did not work, it kind of fell apart and it was a disaster. I ended up having to quickly go out and buy a cake for his birthday all within minutes of his party. I actually had guests arriving when I left to go get a cake. I am praying that this does not happen to Jayden's cake. I am building it this time and it should be easier. I've never built a cake and I've never made a monkey cake. If it works out, I will attempt to make a Scooby-Doo cake for Bobby.
What the heck do you serve for a monkey birthday? I am desperately searching for food related to monkey. I think I may just throw some things together and call it even. His party is right at dinner time so I think I will just make appetizer entrees. Should be easy enough. I am going to make his cake the night before just in case something happens to it and I have to run out first thing in the morning.
If something happens, I may go to Food Lion. I have friends in the bakery that may be able to whip something up for me. Who knows.
I am literally going bananas over planning a monkey party. Rob's not here which makes things a little worse. I am so glad that I moved home when I did. Rob may not be here, but Jayden is surrounded by family and friends that love him. Daddy may not be here, but family is. Thank God for family. Moving home was the best decision that I could have made. Just wish that I had made it sooner.
I will keep everyone posted on how my monkey cake turns out. It should be interesting and hopefully it won't turn out to be a complete disaster.
Thursday, April 12, 2012
Saturday, March 31, 2012
Whew
Whew. I haven't written in while. My apologies. There have been unseen changes that have happened and I've been WAY too busy to write. Anyways, I am back and glad that I am.
I am now writing to y'all from Virginia. I moved home last week. I am so excited to be back in Virginia and back to where I belong. El Paso was a good city, but I am glad to be back in the country and away from the busy city life. Everything is so much more simple. People are in no rush to get places and it's just amazing to be back.
I got a small apartment that is perfect for the boys and me. It's really small (in comparison to the three bed room house we had in El Paso). Robert's RnR was perfect timing because he came home just in time to help me make the drive up here. The drive is about 28 hours. I was able to downsize a lot and I fit what we needed into a 5x8 U-Haul trailer that we towed behind our Rav4.
It's so nice having to live around Army 24/7. Living on a military installation, it was Army 24/7 and everything was regulated and controlled. You couldn't water your grass during a certain time, you had to do this and do that. Even the day after a massive sand storm (winds 80 mph), I got a notice at 7 am that my back yard was in disarray and I had 48 hours to fix it. Seriously? The sand storm had winds up to 80 mph and they stopped shortly after I went to bed.
Now, I am back to the simple way of living. I am back to dirt roads and GRASS. There is green green grass everywhere. It has rained a total of three times since being back. Three times!!! Oh how I've missed the rain. We drove through a lot of it coming up here and now we are getting here. It's awesome to finally have seasons again. Rob and I both hope we never get stationed in Texas again. Some people actually love El Paso. I am not saying it was a bad city. I love parts of El Paso. It was so easy to have everything right there in close proximity of everything. I made some amazing friends in El Paso that I hated to leave.
So, now I am back in Virginia and I cannot wait to have everything in its own little place and get on with getting this darn deployment over. I cannot wait until we are a family yet again.
I am now writing to y'all from Virginia. I moved home last week. I am so excited to be back in Virginia and back to where I belong. El Paso was a good city, but I am glad to be back in the country and away from the busy city life. Everything is so much more simple. People are in no rush to get places and it's just amazing to be back.
I got a small apartment that is perfect for the boys and me. It's really small (in comparison to the three bed room house we had in El Paso). Robert's RnR was perfect timing because he came home just in time to help me make the drive up here. The drive is about 28 hours. I was able to downsize a lot and I fit what we needed into a 5x8 U-Haul trailer that we towed behind our Rav4.
It's so nice having to live around Army 24/7. Living on a military installation, it was Army 24/7 and everything was regulated and controlled. You couldn't water your grass during a certain time, you had to do this and do that. Even the day after a massive sand storm (winds 80 mph), I got a notice at 7 am that my back yard was in disarray and I had 48 hours to fix it. Seriously? The sand storm had winds up to 80 mph and they stopped shortly after I went to bed.
Now, I am back to the simple way of living. I am back to dirt roads and GRASS. There is green green grass everywhere. It has rained a total of three times since being back. Three times!!! Oh how I've missed the rain. We drove through a lot of it coming up here and now we are getting here. It's awesome to finally have seasons again. Rob and I both hope we never get stationed in Texas again. Some people actually love El Paso. I am not saying it was a bad city. I love parts of El Paso. It was so easy to have everything right there in close proximity of everything. I made some amazing friends in El Paso that I hated to leave.
So, now I am back in Virginia and I cannot wait to have everything in its own little place and get on with getting this darn deployment over. I cannot wait until we are a family yet again.
Monday, February 6, 2012
Butterflies
Do you know what is the best part of a butterfly? It is not their beauty, but it is their second chance on life. It is the fact that they can be something ugly, make a choice to change and turn into something beautiful. They take the pain and use it to become beautiful.
I love butterflies because of their second chance on life. I hit a really low low. I was headed no where but down. I did some things that I was not proud of and behaved because of the way I viewed myself. Things that happened in the past that made me look at myself. I did not have the confidence nor the drive to get the confidence. I became really depressed and just turned into someone that I was not happy to be. I needed a change, but was not ready for it nor wanted to drive towards to it.
It wasn't until my best friends stepped in and pretty much gave me an ultimatum before I saw what I was doing to myself. I hated them for a couple of days. I was not happy with them, but I knew that they were right. I immediately snapped out of the self-misery that I was wallowing in and decided that now was a time to be challenged and change. It was not up to anyone to do it for me, but it was up to me to do the change.
So, almost two weeks later, I've made leaps and bounds and I am really trying to get everything back on track and my head back on. It is not easy and often is painful. I have to work through issues that have piled up through the years and I have to be diligent enough to work on it. It will be an every day battle for me. It will be a struggle because I have to wake up every day with battles going on in my mind. I have to stop resorting back to bad behaviors and I have to continue improving myself. When you've been in habits every day for years, it is super hard to break. Hence why it is a hard battle every day.
It doesn't help that I have ADHD and I can't stay focused long. I have to remind myself to remain focused when I get distracted. It is a working progress. I mean, I just hate that I have to work this hard just to get back to where I was, but it will be worth it.
I not only have to learn to beat bad behaviors, but I also have to build my confidence and self-esteem back up and I have to learn to forgive some people who have hurt me. People I have trusted. It is one thing to say, "I forgive you" and it's another thing to actually know how to and mean it. I am trying to learn that. I am really trying to learn how to forgive and forget, just like Jesus talked about.
As a part of my molting process, I am going to be trying a new church. I was supposed to try it on Sunday, but my youngest had a fever and I couldn't make it. So, I am trying it this Sunday. I am super excited about it, but yet I am very anxious about it to. I hate going somewhere I don't know anyone alone. Yet, that is a part of me trying to be better. I have to work through my anxiety about going new places by myself. I just hate it, but I need to conquer that.
I am just trying to make sense of everything and trying to figure out things for myself. I just know that this will all be worth it in the end and I am going to be someone and make something of myself because of this. I am excited for the change. I am changing both inside and out. Hair, getting in shape and actually putting time into my appearance is all a part of the outside. That is the fun stuff, not the inside work. Yet, the inside work is the hardest.
I cannot wait until it is my turn to be a butterfly. Until I can break through my shell and spread my wings and fly. As cliche that it sounds, it fits the situation perfectly. My time to be a butterfly will come and when it does come, it will be amazing and people will look at what I was and who I became and be amazed. Just like when they see the caterpillar rolling its cocoon and then coming out as a butterfly. Amazed
I love butterflies because of their second chance on life. I hit a really low low. I was headed no where but down. I did some things that I was not proud of and behaved because of the way I viewed myself. Things that happened in the past that made me look at myself. I did not have the confidence nor the drive to get the confidence. I became really depressed and just turned into someone that I was not happy to be. I needed a change, but was not ready for it nor wanted to drive towards to it.
It wasn't until my best friends stepped in and pretty much gave me an ultimatum before I saw what I was doing to myself. I hated them for a couple of days. I was not happy with them, but I knew that they were right. I immediately snapped out of the self-misery that I was wallowing in and decided that now was a time to be challenged and change. It was not up to anyone to do it for me, but it was up to me to do the change.
So, almost two weeks later, I've made leaps and bounds and I am really trying to get everything back on track and my head back on. It is not easy and often is painful. I have to work through issues that have piled up through the years and I have to be diligent enough to work on it. It will be an every day battle for me. It will be a struggle because I have to wake up every day with battles going on in my mind. I have to stop resorting back to bad behaviors and I have to continue improving myself. When you've been in habits every day for years, it is super hard to break. Hence why it is a hard battle every day.
It doesn't help that I have ADHD and I can't stay focused long. I have to remind myself to remain focused when I get distracted. It is a working progress. I mean, I just hate that I have to work this hard just to get back to where I was, but it will be worth it.
I not only have to learn to beat bad behaviors, but I also have to build my confidence and self-esteem back up and I have to learn to forgive some people who have hurt me. People I have trusted. It is one thing to say, "I forgive you" and it's another thing to actually know how to and mean it. I am trying to learn that. I am really trying to learn how to forgive and forget, just like Jesus talked about.
As a part of my molting process, I am going to be trying a new church. I was supposed to try it on Sunday, but my youngest had a fever and I couldn't make it. So, I am trying it this Sunday. I am super excited about it, but yet I am very anxious about it to. I hate going somewhere I don't know anyone alone. Yet, that is a part of me trying to be better. I have to work through my anxiety about going new places by myself. I just hate it, but I need to conquer that.
I am just trying to make sense of everything and trying to figure out things for myself. I just know that this will all be worth it in the end and I am going to be someone and make something of myself because of this. I am excited for the change. I am changing both inside and out. Hair, getting in shape and actually putting time into my appearance is all a part of the outside. That is the fun stuff, not the inside work. Yet, the inside work is the hardest.
I cannot wait until it is my turn to be a butterfly. Until I can break through my shell and spread my wings and fly. As cliche that it sounds, it fits the situation perfectly. My time to be a butterfly will come and when it does come, it will be amazing and people will look at what I was and who I became and be amazed. Just like when they see the caterpillar rolling its cocoon and then coming out as a butterfly. Amazed
Sunday, January 22, 2012
Project
I seriously need to stop forgetting to post. I love blogging and I love writing, yet I cannot for the life of me remember to post.
So, we made it through the first month of this deployment. Heck ya! The say the first month is the worst and the first three-four months are bad. So, I guess I only have three more months before it becomes normal. We hope right?
So, I am completely jealous of people who own quilts. I want a quilt. I used to have one when I was little. My mom did my room in a log cabin theme. I had a old fashion quilts and bedspread. She had a huge bookshelf put in and on either side of that bookshelf, I had tea light lanterns hanging. We lived in a log house so that added to the affect. I love quilts and think they are beautiful. Yet, to get one my own, I cannot find one that I like. They are all too traditional and they do not fit the decor of our house.
To solve the problem, I have decided to make my own. I have yet decided if I am going to hand-sew it or machine-sew it. It depends on what is better and what looks prettier. I've already decided that I want it black and white. Our house is black and white and red. Our living room has black, red and tan furniture, our guest room has a black, grey,white and red bedding and the master room has red, grey and white bedding. Our bathroom is even black, grey and white. We love those color combinations so I can't imagine have a blue, tan, red kind of quilt. I love black and white together and that's how I want the quilt.
So, my cooking project has been on hold per my husband's request. He wants to wait after we pay off everything before I start investing into cooking. So, on top of my cooking adventure, I am going to be quilting. This deployment has given me my ups and downs. Each person deals with it differently, and I am making it. I am pretty much stuck at home all the time. So, with a huge cooking project and then a quilting project, I should be busy :). Anyways, I have a lot of research to do. I am hoping to have everything bought and ready by the beginning of March.
Projects in the works:
So, we made it through the first month of this deployment. Heck ya! The say the first month is the worst and the first three-four months are bad. So, I guess I only have three more months before it becomes normal. We hope right?
So, I am completely jealous of people who own quilts. I want a quilt. I used to have one when I was little. My mom did my room in a log cabin theme. I had a old fashion quilts and bedspread. She had a huge bookshelf put in and on either side of that bookshelf, I had tea light lanterns hanging. We lived in a log house so that added to the affect. I love quilts and think they are beautiful. Yet, to get one my own, I cannot find one that I like. They are all too traditional and they do not fit the decor of our house.
To solve the problem, I have decided to make my own. I have yet decided if I am going to hand-sew it or machine-sew it. It depends on what is better and what looks prettier. I've already decided that I want it black and white. Our house is black and white and red. Our living room has black, red and tan furniture, our guest room has a black, grey,white and red bedding and the master room has red, grey and white bedding. Our bathroom is even black, grey and white. We love those color combinations so I can't imagine have a blue, tan, red kind of quilt. I love black and white together and that's how I want the quilt.
So, my cooking project has been on hold per my husband's request. He wants to wait after we pay off everything before I start investing into cooking. So, on top of my cooking adventure, I am going to be quilting. This deployment has given me my ups and downs. Each person deals with it differently, and I am making it. I am pretty much stuck at home all the time. So, with a huge cooking project and then a quilting project, I should be busy :). Anyways, I have a lot of research to do. I am hoping to have everything bought and ready by the beginning of March.
Projects in the works:
- Cooking
- Quilting
- Going to the gym/getting in tip top shape to run a marathon
Sunday, January 8, 2012
Support
Sorry that I've not written in a while. I actually have started journal-ling lately because Rob and I are keeping deployment journals. So, instead of blogging, I've been writing. Not to mention, I have been trying to adjust to doing everything on my own.
Life has been full of adjustments the last three weeks. Bobby went from being well-behaved to being out of control. He has been testing me left and right and I've broken down more over his behavior than Rob being deployed. I did not think that the deployment would have this big of an affect on him, but it has. I thought maybe after the first week, he would be better. That is how it was when Rob went to the field. Yet, we are approaching week three and he is still adjusting. We both are, but the good thing, we are doing it together. We are both learning how to do things with Rob being here. He is opening up again.
I can hardly believe that this deployment has been going by so fast. I mean, I can't believe that I am one week shy of making it through the first month. Are you serious? That is just mind boggling to me. I could never imagine in a million years that this deployment would be going by so fast. I mean, please do not get me wrong. I have my bad days where I feel like this deployment will never end and I get so bitter and cry. I do have my bad days where I just want to be alone. I was just able to eat Taco Bell (his favorite place to eat), I am trying to sleep in my bed for the first time since he left. We have a king size bed and it is just so empty. My Christmas tree is still up. I cannot bring myself to take it down because it was the last thing we did together.
I am blessed. I have an amazing support system here. I was debating on moving home because I was scared to do this alone. I wanted to be home with my family so that I had help with the boys. Yet, I would have kicked myself if I did. I have amazing friends and we are constantly doing things with each other and supporting each other through this. People have been telling me that I am forgetting my husband because I am constantly going out and having fun. I recently took Bobby to his first football game. We are having fun. That is what I need and what the boys need. I do not want them to remember the deployment as mommy crying all the time. I want them to remember all the fun activities that we did. Not to mention, Rob is excited that I am getting out and about and not sitting home.
The key to making a deployment easier to bare is a great support system. I am so grateful that I have mine and that they are there for me. They are even there for me on my bad days and are always so forgiving if I say something stupid (I do that a lot). I wouldn't be able to do this deployment without them and it is amazing how close you can become to some one.
Life has been full of adjustments the last three weeks. Bobby went from being well-behaved to being out of control. He has been testing me left and right and I've broken down more over his behavior than Rob being deployed. I did not think that the deployment would have this big of an affect on him, but it has. I thought maybe after the first week, he would be better. That is how it was when Rob went to the field. Yet, we are approaching week three and he is still adjusting. We both are, but the good thing, we are doing it together. We are both learning how to do things with Rob being here. He is opening up again.
I can hardly believe that this deployment has been going by so fast. I mean, I can't believe that I am one week shy of making it through the first month. Are you serious? That is just mind boggling to me. I could never imagine in a million years that this deployment would be going by so fast. I mean, please do not get me wrong. I have my bad days where I feel like this deployment will never end and I get so bitter and cry. I do have my bad days where I just want to be alone. I was just able to eat Taco Bell (his favorite place to eat), I am trying to sleep in my bed for the first time since he left. We have a king size bed and it is just so empty. My Christmas tree is still up. I cannot bring myself to take it down because it was the last thing we did together.
I am blessed. I have an amazing support system here. I was debating on moving home because I was scared to do this alone. I wanted to be home with my family so that I had help with the boys. Yet, I would have kicked myself if I did. I have amazing friends and we are constantly doing things with each other and supporting each other through this. People have been telling me that I am forgetting my husband because I am constantly going out and having fun. I recently took Bobby to his first football game. We are having fun. That is what I need and what the boys need. I do not want them to remember the deployment as mommy crying all the time. I want them to remember all the fun activities that we did. Not to mention, Rob is excited that I am getting out and about and not sitting home.
The key to making a deployment easier to bare is a great support system. I am so grateful that I have mine and that they are there for me. They are even there for me on my bad days and are always so forgiving if I say something stupid (I do that a lot). I wouldn't be able to do this deployment without them and it is amazing how close you can become to some one.
Monday, December 26, 2011
Still alive
Well, we've almost made it through our first week of deployment. The house is still standing, I am still alive and sane!!! I call that an accomplishment!!! Do not get me wrong, this is really hard. It is harder than anything I've ever imagined. I love him so much and he is my everything. The fact that I have to wake up every day without seeing him, go to bed without kissing him good-night is what makes this worse. I can handle everything else, I just out right miss him.
Christmas was not as bad as I thought. I had a breakdown on Christmas Eve. I had to get home and be around my house because that was were he was. Everything smelled like him and I was happy to be "near" him. That lasted about 3-4 hours before I couldn't stand it anymore. I had re-clean the house so that I could move things that he put somewhere to another spot. I had to scrub the floors with my cleaner (we use different floor cleaner) because the house smelt like him. I had to cleanse my house of it all. I felt that it was a very unhealthy reaction, but as I found it, it was totally normal. I couldn't stop crying and just begging myself to wake up. I kept hoping that it was just a very long and detailed nightmare and I need to wake up ASAP.
I spent Christmas with my two closest friends. We actually ended up going to see a light show and then to the movies to see the new Chipmunks movie. I thought that because it didn't feel like Christmas, it wasn't Christmas. I think it was the most perfect way to spend Christmas all things considering. We had so much fun! It was a blast and I was thrilled to get out of the house and away from everything. I began to forget my horrible breakdown the day before. I started tearing up at the light show, because I felt that Rob should have been there. I began to be angry at the Army because how dare they deploy him soo soon before Christmas. I quickly reminded myself that he was going over there so that the unit over there could come home.
I know that I've wrote about this in a previous post, but there is one thing that always gets me out of the pity-party mood that I get in because of this deployment. I shift the focus off myself and put it on others. I am angry because he left days before Christmas, well he did that so others could come home and be with their families. Little things like that, take my mindset off of me (where it doesn't need to be) and puts it on others. I know that a lot of my friend's husbands are deployed. I know a rough estimate on when the homecomings are. So, I know that Rob comes home after such and such number of homecomings. Those homecomings are a chance for me to be happy with other wives because their loved ones are coming home. I have a few friends who have husbands in the unit Rob is replacing. As jealous as I get, I am beyond thrilled. I know that these ladies have done their share of this and have had their share of rough times. One girl I know, had her baby girl and then a lot of complications after the birth. They wouldn't let her husband come home, so she had to do a lot of that alone. She gets her husband back for good in a few weeks. How can I be upset or jealous? My time will come and when it comes, I will be beyond thrilled. I know that when my time comes, that means another unit will be deploying to replace Rob's unit. It's a bittersweet cycle.
I know that as soon as I make it through the remaining days here in December, the deployment will start going by faster. I have a lot of plans and activities planned for 2012. Rob and I have talked it over and instead of doing resolutions, we are going to do couples resolutions. The way that it works, is that I will make up one thing I want to work on and one thing I want him to work on. He will then do the same for me. This way, we can keep each other in check and work on bettering ourselves as individuals and as a couple. We refuse to let this deployment ruin us. I was so scared that it would, because the night before he left, we got into a huge fight. After he left, I was dreading how things would be, yet after talking to him when he got over there, he was having the same thoughts. We decided here on out, that we would promise ourselves that we will not let the deployment get to us. We have been through a lot already and I am not ready to let a lousy deployment ruin all our hard work.
I appreciate all of you who read this. You see my ups and downs and sometimes wonder what the heck was I thinking when I wrote that. Trust me, I think the same thing. I do appreciate everyone and I hope that as I continue to go through this, I can help someone. The point of my blogging is not to vent for the whole world to see. I want to be able to show people that they are not alone in this world. I want to show them that there are others who feel or think the same way. I know, during this deployment, I have often wondered to myself if I was handling this normally. I want people to realize that everyone is different when it comes to things like this, but we are all in this together (my favorite saying until high school musical stole it and ruined it). Please do not feel like you are alone. YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!! I promise you.
Christmas was not as bad as I thought. I had a breakdown on Christmas Eve. I had to get home and be around my house because that was were he was. Everything smelled like him and I was happy to be "near" him. That lasted about 3-4 hours before I couldn't stand it anymore. I had re-clean the house so that I could move things that he put somewhere to another spot. I had to scrub the floors with my cleaner (we use different floor cleaner) because the house smelt like him. I had to cleanse my house of it all. I felt that it was a very unhealthy reaction, but as I found it, it was totally normal. I couldn't stop crying and just begging myself to wake up. I kept hoping that it was just a very long and detailed nightmare and I need to wake up ASAP.
I spent Christmas with my two closest friends. We actually ended up going to see a light show and then to the movies to see the new Chipmunks movie. I thought that because it didn't feel like Christmas, it wasn't Christmas. I think it was the most perfect way to spend Christmas all things considering. We had so much fun! It was a blast and I was thrilled to get out of the house and away from everything. I began to forget my horrible breakdown the day before. I started tearing up at the light show, because I felt that Rob should have been there. I began to be angry at the Army because how dare they deploy him soo soon before Christmas. I quickly reminded myself that he was going over there so that the unit over there could come home.
I know that I've wrote about this in a previous post, but there is one thing that always gets me out of the pity-party mood that I get in because of this deployment. I shift the focus off myself and put it on others. I am angry because he left days before Christmas, well he did that so others could come home and be with their families. Little things like that, take my mindset off of me (where it doesn't need to be) and puts it on others. I know that a lot of my friend's husbands are deployed. I know a rough estimate on when the homecomings are. So, I know that Rob comes home after such and such number of homecomings. Those homecomings are a chance for me to be happy with other wives because their loved ones are coming home. I have a few friends who have husbands in the unit Rob is replacing. As jealous as I get, I am beyond thrilled. I know that these ladies have done their share of this and have had their share of rough times. One girl I know, had her baby girl and then a lot of complications after the birth. They wouldn't let her husband come home, so she had to do a lot of that alone. She gets her husband back for good in a few weeks. How can I be upset or jealous? My time will come and when it comes, I will be beyond thrilled. I know that when my time comes, that means another unit will be deploying to replace Rob's unit. It's a bittersweet cycle.
I know that as soon as I make it through the remaining days here in December, the deployment will start going by faster. I have a lot of plans and activities planned for 2012. Rob and I have talked it over and instead of doing resolutions, we are going to do couples resolutions. The way that it works, is that I will make up one thing I want to work on and one thing I want him to work on. He will then do the same for me. This way, we can keep each other in check and work on bettering ourselves as individuals and as a couple. We refuse to let this deployment ruin us. I was so scared that it would, because the night before he left, we got into a huge fight. After he left, I was dreading how things would be, yet after talking to him when he got over there, he was having the same thoughts. We decided here on out, that we would promise ourselves that we will not let the deployment get to us. We have been through a lot already and I am not ready to let a lousy deployment ruin all our hard work.
I appreciate all of you who read this. You see my ups and downs and sometimes wonder what the heck was I thinking when I wrote that. Trust me, I think the same thing. I do appreciate everyone and I hope that as I continue to go through this, I can help someone. The point of my blogging is not to vent for the whole world to see. I want to be able to show people that they are not alone in this world. I want to show them that there are others who feel or think the same way. I know, during this deployment, I have often wondered to myself if I was handling this normally. I want people to realize that everyone is different when it comes to things like this, but we are all in this together (my favorite saying until high school musical stole it and ruined it). Please do not feel like you are alone. YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!! I promise you.
Friday, December 23, 2011
Change
Well, it is two days before Christmas and we are almost through our first week of deployment. I sent my husband off earlier this week and let me just tell you, that was the hardest thing that I've ever done. I thought that I had prepared myself for this and I thought that I had myself all strong and ready for it. Boy, was I wrong.
When the day had started at 7 am, I was optimistic, hyper and making sure that everyone around me was smiling. I felt that I needed to make sure that people were not too sad and that they would be able to enjoy their last few hours with their spouses and loved ones. I felt the need to do silly things and crack jokes just to keep up the spirits. My good friend Lyessa was having a hard time first thing that morning, so what did I do? I went and party-boyed her so that she would laugh. For some odd reason, I always feel the need to be the goof-ball during depressing situations, such as the deployment earlier this week.
I was a tad bit emotional on and off through out the day. Whenever I felt myself cry, I felt the need to stop it and move on. I refused to allow myself to cry because I wanted to show Robert that I was indeed ready for this and I was indeed ready to take everything on. I just needed to keep focusing on my boys and my husband and my friends. Rob being the goofy guy that he is, constantly was lifting me up and picking me up and saying silly things that would keep me laughing when we went into the gym for family time. I felt that he needed to see my smile and as hard as I tried to, it was hard. I knew that he wanted to remember me smiling more than crying, but it was slowly sinking in. It was slowly sinking in that I was losing my best friend and soul mate for a year. Slowly sinking in that my boys were spending a year without the man that they looked up to. Bobby adores Rob and was his little shadow. People say that he is too young to notice anything, that is totally false. He knows that daddy is gone, he misses daddy and wants him back. He doesn't understand where daddy went or why he is gone, but he knows that he is. I just can't imagine what is going on in his little head.
I thought that they would give us a 15 minute warning, but no warning. Before we knew it, they were doing final role call. The time that I've been dreading for the past year had just now come. It was a blur because everything kept happening so fast. All I truly remember is that I kept holding his face and kissing him as hard and long as I could. I felt that the more I kissed him and the longer I kissed him, somehow it would make things better. I was not ready for this. I had just spent a year preparing for this and I was just not ready. Who can ever be ready? I know I can't. I know that there is no way on earth that I would ever be ready to send Rob off for a year. I kept telling him that I was going to wait for him and that if anything happened to him, that I would never love anyone like I loved him. It is true.
Robert and I have our share of hard times. Actually, we've had more than our share, but we've always survived. He knows what to say to make me laugh, to make cry, to make mad and to make me just out right smile. He may not be the perfect guy, but who is? I am more romantic than him and wish he would be more romantic. Yet, that doesn't seem to matter. NOTHING seems to matter. The fact that he leaves the toilet seat up or when he shaves his face, he never washes the sink out, or when he comes home, everything he wears is in a line leading to the bathroom, all those things, do not matter to me. I miss those things. I miss everything that I used to be so frustrated with. Funny how that all works.
I can now start counting down to when he comes back. I am a tad bit jealous seeing all the husbands that are returning soon, but I am grateful that those families get their loved ones back. It is because of our guys who deployed and are deploying, that they get to come back. It's a bittersweet cycle, but even though it makes me jealous, I am comforted knowing that families will be reunited. I keep trying to hold onto that thought as I get depressed, angry and all the other emotions that come from deployment.
This is all so real to me. As I get about five minutes to talk to him once in a while, my world seems to stop and everything just focuses on him. It doesn't matter what is going on around me, nothing is as more important than to talk to him. I am hoping that we can video chat soon and I can see him and so can the boys. I am hoping that maybe for Christmas, I can see them. So, what do I want for christmas? A video chat with my husband. That is all I really want from the world this year. I just want this to be over with. I want him back in my arms, safe and sound. It seems like every day that I go, I get more and more pessimistic about this deployment. Every time I look at his picture, I realize that I have so long until I see him again. I have such a long time before he is back here safe and sound. I have a freaking long time until we are a family again.
When the day had started at 7 am, I was optimistic, hyper and making sure that everyone around me was smiling. I felt that I needed to make sure that people were not too sad and that they would be able to enjoy their last few hours with their spouses and loved ones. I felt the need to do silly things and crack jokes just to keep up the spirits. My good friend Lyessa was having a hard time first thing that morning, so what did I do? I went and party-boyed her so that she would laugh. For some odd reason, I always feel the need to be the goof-ball during depressing situations, such as the deployment earlier this week.
I was a tad bit emotional on and off through out the day. Whenever I felt myself cry, I felt the need to stop it and move on. I refused to allow myself to cry because I wanted to show Robert that I was indeed ready for this and I was indeed ready to take everything on. I just needed to keep focusing on my boys and my husband and my friends. Rob being the goofy guy that he is, constantly was lifting me up and picking me up and saying silly things that would keep me laughing when we went into the gym for family time. I felt that he needed to see my smile and as hard as I tried to, it was hard. I knew that he wanted to remember me smiling more than crying, but it was slowly sinking in. It was slowly sinking in that I was losing my best friend and soul mate for a year. Slowly sinking in that my boys were spending a year without the man that they looked up to. Bobby adores Rob and was his little shadow. People say that he is too young to notice anything, that is totally false. He knows that daddy is gone, he misses daddy and wants him back. He doesn't understand where daddy went or why he is gone, but he knows that he is. I just can't imagine what is going on in his little head.
I thought that they would give us a 15 minute warning, but no warning. Before we knew it, they were doing final role call. The time that I've been dreading for the past year had just now come. It was a blur because everything kept happening so fast. All I truly remember is that I kept holding his face and kissing him as hard and long as I could. I felt that the more I kissed him and the longer I kissed him, somehow it would make things better. I was not ready for this. I had just spent a year preparing for this and I was just not ready. Who can ever be ready? I know I can't. I know that there is no way on earth that I would ever be ready to send Rob off for a year. I kept telling him that I was going to wait for him and that if anything happened to him, that I would never love anyone like I loved him. It is true.
Robert and I have our share of hard times. Actually, we've had more than our share, but we've always survived. He knows what to say to make me laugh, to make cry, to make mad and to make me just out right smile. He may not be the perfect guy, but who is? I am more romantic than him and wish he would be more romantic. Yet, that doesn't seem to matter. NOTHING seems to matter. The fact that he leaves the toilet seat up or when he shaves his face, he never washes the sink out, or when he comes home, everything he wears is in a line leading to the bathroom, all those things, do not matter to me. I miss those things. I miss everything that I used to be so frustrated with. Funny how that all works.
I can now start counting down to when he comes back. I am a tad bit jealous seeing all the husbands that are returning soon, but I am grateful that those families get their loved ones back. It is because of our guys who deployed and are deploying, that they get to come back. It's a bittersweet cycle, but even though it makes me jealous, I am comforted knowing that families will be reunited. I keep trying to hold onto that thought as I get depressed, angry and all the other emotions that come from deployment.
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