Today-this saying has rang so true. We are on leave. We left El Paso Saturday morning at midnight. We arrived in Virginia around 7 am Sunday Morning. Yes, we drove straight through-never again. We just wanted to get home and I was so excited to be finally be home.
Monday and Tuesday have been amazing. Rob and I refused to let anything come in our way of enjoying our leave and enjoying time as a family. We promised each other that there would be no regrets and we would love each like we have never loved each other. It's been perfect. It almost feels like we are dating again. He is opening doors for me, rubbing my back, holding my hand and we are just so happy together as a family. No stress from the Army, no stress at all. Just Rob, the boys and me. It's how it should be.
Well, today was good until I woke up and got a call. Got a call that delievered some bad news about his deployment. He is not leaving when we thought and I am just upset. I had just spent the past two months preparing myself for him to leave. I was ready. I was prepared. I was emotionally ready. All our paperwork was done, bags were packed and car parts replaced before we went on leave. It was all good. Now, it's changed. :( I am not prepared. I feel it's too soon. I do not know how exactly to prepare myself for this.
I had these plans and now, they have all changed. I mean, it doesn't really surprise me because it is the Army, it's what they do. Right? They change things around. Dates and times will constantly change until the plane is in the air. I shouldn't be soo freaking shocked like I am.
I cannot allow myself to ruin any more leave. I had today and have about one more hour left. After that, all deployment talk is to cease. No deployment talk, no Army talk, nothing. We hit a bump in the road today and I feel like it's been handled well. I didn't let it ruin all day today. I had my little upset moments, but nothing that would cause me to ruin the day. I have to remain positive. This is my last chance to make memories with Rob AND the kids for a whole year. This is my last chance to make sure that Robert has the relaxation that he needs before he goes to a stressful job overseas. I need to make sure that he leaves knowing that I have everything under control. I have to do this for not only myself, but for Robert and the boys.
So, as I type this, I am releasing whatever emotions that I have left. I am enjoying a cup of Chai latte and watching Law and Order: Criminal Intent. The boys are sleeping and Rob just laid down so he will be out shortly. As, I reflect on my life, I am so blessed to have an amazing husband, two amazing little boys and a wonderful house. I have amazing family and friends. What more could a girl ask for?
Showing posts with label army wife. Show all posts
Showing posts with label army wife. Show all posts
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
Big girls don't cry?
There is a popular song (one of my favorites) that is titled, "Big Girls Don't Cry". That was my motto in life. Nothing could get me down and I had to be strong 24/7. When I heard that Rob was deploying, I vowed to myself that I would not be upset and crying all the time.
I hate crying. I always saw it as a weakness. Why cry? It shows people that are you vulnerable and that you do not have it all together. I hated showing it to anyone, including Rob, especially Rob. I want him to leave knowing that I have everything under control and that I am put together.
I got his orders a couple of weeks ago and no tears. I was surprised. I thought for sure that as soon as I got those, I was going to bawl my eyes out. Yet, no tears came. Nothing. I thought, hmm...maybe I was handling this much better than I thought I would. I surprised myself and I knew that I could do it. No big deal. He will be leaving for a year and then we will be back together until he deploys again. No big deal right?
Tonight, for some reason, I could no longer hold the tears back. I could not keep them in and I could not stop them. I tried to play it off like I was okay and nothing was wrong. I knew he was so proud of me and how I was handling this whole thing. I did not want to let him down. Tonight, I could not stop crying. I kept telling myself that I was okay and nothing was going to happen. I kept blinking my eyes and trying to think of happy thoughts.
To my surprise, Rob just held me. He just held me and told me everything was going to be okay. Nothing bad was going to happen and more importantly, our marriage was going to make it through this. I kept apologizing for crying and getting mascara and eyeliner all over his shoulder and chest. I kept apologizing for keeping him up (he was settling down to go to sleep). He just held me tight and stroked my hair. I tried to pull away and he refused to let go.
I kept saying that I should not be crying and I needed to be strong for him. He looked at me and said, "Babe, big girls do cry". It is so true. We all need to cry some time in our lives. We can cry in the corners away from everyone, but it does not cut it. We, as humans, require the comfort of another human being when we are upset. Bobby always comes straight to me when he is scared, hurt or just wants to be kissed and love. We desire that affection. We need that affection. Yet, society tells us that we need to hide our emotions and put on a mask to show that we are all okay. We are all normal and that nothing is wrong.
Tears are normal. They are there when we are happy, sad, in pain, angry, guilty etc. Any type of emotion that you feel, you can have tears. I cried when I said good-bye to Robert when he left for BCT and I cried when I saw him at graduation. I will cry when I see him off and I will cry when he comes home. Crying is a part of our lives and we need to do it every once in a while. Crying releases all penned-up emotions. After I ran out of tears and Robert had me laughing (he is very good at that), I felt at peace. I felt good about everything.
What is really amazing, this whole time, I have been holding back my tears because I did not want Robert to think I was weak. I acted like everything was fine and it did not bother me. I was going to stay strong for him. I was perfectly fine with him deploying. Yet, after tonight, Robert told me he was glad I cried. He was glad I finally released all my emotions. It showed him that I was really going to miss him. This whole time, I had been hiding emotions because I thought it was what he needed. When in reality, he needed to see my emotions. He needed to know that I love him so much and I will miss him something awful. What I thought was best for him, was not what was best for either of us.
So, all in all, big girls DO cry. They cry when they are happy, sad and whatever else they are feeling. They are normal. That is probably the only "normal" thing about me. This deployment is going to teach Robert and I a lot about each other and about ourselves. I am a big girl, I wear big girl panties, but I do cry.
I hate crying. I always saw it as a weakness. Why cry? It shows people that are you vulnerable and that you do not have it all together. I hated showing it to anyone, including Rob, especially Rob. I want him to leave knowing that I have everything under control and that I am put together.
I got his orders a couple of weeks ago and no tears. I was surprised. I thought for sure that as soon as I got those, I was going to bawl my eyes out. Yet, no tears came. Nothing. I thought, hmm...maybe I was handling this much better than I thought I would. I surprised myself and I knew that I could do it. No big deal. He will be leaving for a year and then we will be back together until he deploys again. No big deal right?
Tonight, for some reason, I could no longer hold the tears back. I could not keep them in and I could not stop them. I tried to play it off like I was okay and nothing was wrong. I knew he was so proud of me and how I was handling this whole thing. I did not want to let him down. Tonight, I could not stop crying. I kept telling myself that I was okay and nothing was going to happen. I kept blinking my eyes and trying to think of happy thoughts.
To my surprise, Rob just held me. He just held me and told me everything was going to be okay. Nothing bad was going to happen and more importantly, our marriage was going to make it through this. I kept apologizing for crying and getting mascara and eyeliner all over his shoulder and chest. I kept apologizing for keeping him up (he was settling down to go to sleep). He just held me tight and stroked my hair. I tried to pull away and he refused to let go.
I kept saying that I should not be crying and I needed to be strong for him. He looked at me and said, "Babe, big girls do cry". It is so true. We all need to cry some time in our lives. We can cry in the corners away from everyone, but it does not cut it. We, as humans, require the comfort of another human being when we are upset. Bobby always comes straight to me when he is scared, hurt or just wants to be kissed and love. We desire that affection. We need that affection. Yet, society tells us that we need to hide our emotions and put on a mask to show that we are all okay. We are all normal and that nothing is wrong.
Tears are normal. They are there when we are happy, sad, in pain, angry, guilty etc. Any type of emotion that you feel, you can have tears. I cried when I said good-bye to Robert when he left for BCT and I cried when I saw him at graduation. I will cry when I see him off and I will cry when he comes home. Crying is a part of our lives and we need to do it every once in a while. Crying releases all penned-up emotions. After I ran out of tears and Robert had me laughing (he is very good at that), I felt at peace. I felt good about everything.
What is really amazing, this whole time, I have been holding back my tears because I did not want Robert to think I was weak. I acted like everything was fine and it did not bother me. I was going to stay strong for him. I was perfectly fine with him deploying. Yet, after tonight, Robert told me he was glad I cried. He was glad I finally released all my emotions. It showed him that I was really going to miss him. This whole time, I had been hiding emotions because I thought it was what he needed. When in reality, he needed to see my emotions. He needed to know that I love him so much and I will miss him something awful. What I thought was best for him, was not what was best for either of us.
So, all in all, big girls DO cry. They cry when they are happy, sad and whatever else they are feeling. They are normal. That is probably the only "normal" thing about me. This deployment is going to teach Robert and I a lot about each other and about ourselves. I am a big girl, I wear big girl panties, but I do cry.
Sunday, October 2, 2011
Different People
I do not understand why people often judge other people due to the way they handle things. Ever since around August/September, Rob's deployment has been really becoming very real to me. He should get his orders very soon and I've been emotional. I have been gathering stuff for his deployment and doing some projects for him when he deploys. Some of the projects are emotional for me to do and the fact that he is leaving is very sad for me.
I am the type of person that I will be at my worst right before he leaves. I prepare myself for it and then give me like 2 or 3 days after he leaves to mourn and I will be fine. That is how I am. I am fine once he leaves, but I am emotional right before he leaves. Rob is the type of person that the worst is right as he is leaving. So, it works for us. We are able to keep us strong. Right now, he is keeping us strong and keeping everything stronger. When he will need me, I will be there for him and I will be the one who is strong. Why is it wrong that the months before he leaves-I am allowing myself to prepare and allow myself to accept it.
I do want to feel unprepared and I don't want to be caught with my pants down. We will be given a date, but who knows, they may change it and he may leave sooner that expected. So, instead of having to prepare the last minute, I allow myself to feel everything beforehand. Why is that soo wrong?? I am a different person and the way that I handle my emotions may be different than the way that you do. It doesn't mean that I am a bad person.
I am not letting it affect my relationship with my husband. It is actually bringing us together. I am not spending each day dreading the deployment and I am not allowing it to stress me out. When I think about it and I start to cry, I just let myself. He holds me and tells me that everything will be okay. I feel better after I get it out and we move on with our day. We are enjoying the time that we have left and I am so thankful that I am able to do this. I cannot help that I handle things before something, it is who I am. I never thought it was a bad thing. I love my husband and he is greatful that I am doing it all beforehand. He knows that I won't breakdown after he leaves, and that I will be able to move on and do what I got to do. I love my husband for understanding me and understanding why I do the things I do.
I am the type of person that I will be at my worst right before he leaves. I prepare myself for it and then give me like 2 or 3 days after he leaves to mourn and I will be fine. That is how I am. I am fine once he leaves, but I am emotional right before he leaves. Rob is the type of person that the worst is right as he is leaving. So, it works for us. We are able to keep us strong. Right now, he is keeping us strong and keeping everything stronger. When he will need me, I will be there for him and I will be the one who is strong. Why is it wrong that the months before he leaves-I am allowing myself to prepare and allow myself to accept it.
I do want to feel unprepared and I don't want to be caught with my pants down. We will be given a date, but who knows, they may change it and he may leave sooner that expected. So, instead of having to prepare the last minute, I allow myself to feel everything beforehand. Why is that soo wrong?? I am a different person and the way that I handle my emotions may be different than the way that you do. It doesn't mean that I am a bad person.
I am not letting it affect my relationship with my husband. It is actually bringing us together. I am not spending each day dreading the deployment and I am not allowing it to stress me out. When I think about it and I start to cry, I just let myself. He holds me and tells me that everything will be okay. I feel better after I get it out and we move on with our day. We are enjoying the time that we have left and I am so thankful that I am able to do this. I cannot help that I handle things before something, it is who I am. I never thought it was a bad thing. I love my husband and he is greatful that I am doing it all beforehand. He knows that I won't breakdown after he leaves, and that I will be able to move on and do what I got to do. I love my husband for understanding me and understanding why I do the things I do.
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