Dear God

Dear God,

              First, can I just say that the person you handpicked for me to marry is the most amazing guy in the world. He is my best friend, he understands me and he loves me for me. We made a lot of mistakes in the beginning and for that, I do apologize. I wish that our relationship went a different way, I wish that our marriage was not a constant struggle because of mistakes we have made.  I know that You never give me/us more than we are capable of handling, but I just wish that we did not have to fight so hard for our marriage. I am glad that we are fighting. I am grateful for the strength that you give me every single day to keep going.

               I am grateful for the two wonderful boys that You allowed us to have. It's so hard to believe that something sooo pure and innocent and precious came out of two imperfect people. You knew exactly what I needed to keep me going through this crazy lifestyle that we have chosen. The lifestyle You directed us to. A lifestyle that has forever changed our lives and will continue to. I've been able to grow up and take responsibility.

               What I do not understand is how am I supposed to live without my soul mate for a year? My boys need their daddy. Bobby adores his daddy and it pains me to watch him go through what he has to go through at such a young age. No kid, no matter what age, should have to live without their daddy for periods of time, specially when their daddy is the world's greatest dad. Please place a father figure in his life in the absence of his father. Help him get through this. I know I will be fine, but I am not sure how Bobby will take it. Please be with him as he does not truly understand why daddy has to go away for such a long time. Please be with him and guide him as he ventures through the next year.

               Please be with my sweet baby Jay. He is going to have to hit milestones without his daddy. He will take his first steps, say his first words, eat by himself for the first time all without his daddy. Please help me help him to remember his daddy. I know that he won't be affected as bad as Bobby will, but he will be affected in a way I may not know. Jay is soo sweet and happy. Please let him be the sunlight in our lives.

                God, please be with my husband. I know it kills him to miss out on Jay too. He missed out on Bobby's first year and now will miss out on Jay. Please help him understand that he is not a bad father. He cannot help it. He has a duty-a calling to protect our nation. I know that if he had a choice, he would not miss any of this for the world. He always puts his family first and everthing that he does, he does for his family. He is an amazing father and husband. He is an amazing soldier. The pride in his eyes is what keeps me going when I can't go on. Please protect him as he prepares to leave over the next few months. Please place people in his life that will encourage and uplift him. Please be with him as he mentally and physically and emotionally prepare to leave everything he holds so dear to him behind.

                Please protect our marriage. We have fought so hard to make it these three years and we plan on to keep fighting the battle. I know people said that we would never last when we first got together and we have. Please guard our hearts, minds and souls. Please help us stay strong as parents and as a couple. It will not be easy, but we are willing to do whatever it takes to come out on top. We've been going against the odds since the beginning. It's been so hard for us, but we always seem to make it through. I love him with all my heart and he is my world. I know that he feels the same way. You knew from the beginning that we were perfect for each other and we are. I love my husband too much to let one year-52 weeks-365 days (however You want to say it) ruin three years of hard work. We have come too far to give up now. Please give us strength. Teach us to rely on each other from afar and help us support each other.

               You knew I would be a soldier's wife when I was born. I believe that. I believe that is why I am so stubborn, strong-willed and determined. I have to be to survive this crazy life. All the mistakes I made growing up has led to this point in my life. This is going to be a true test of my love for my husband, my dedication to him, my inner strenght, my faith, my stability and my ability to lead my family and be the rock of my family. Please guide me as I make decisions and as I prepare to raise two little boys on my own. Please give me the strenght to make it through each day. Please give me the determination not give up when I feel like it. Please place people in my life that keep me upbeat and positive. Please give me the strength to make it through this upcoming year . Please help me as I prepare my family for this big change. I know that it's going to be hard and I am going to want to give up and throw in the towel. Please give me the strong-willed personality I had as a teenager. Please guide me as I am going to be wearing both parenting hats. I am going to need all the help I can get. Please guard my heart and protect me.

             Please, please, please, protect my family.

Stage:Denial

We were on our way home from buying a dress for our formal next week, when it got brought up. Rob said that we should have some type of orders in about two weeks. He said that we will probably find out if his deployment is a 12 month or a 9 month. It's been a toss-up since the Army signed over to 9 month deployments. A friend of mine recently found out her husband's deployment was changed to a 9 month deployment. Please God, let ours be too.

Anyways, I realized that there are different types of stages of deployment. Right now, I think I fall into a denial stage. When he said he would get some types of order, I started crying and said you're not deploying. I do not want orders, I do not want this to happen. Somehow, in my mind, I can't bring myself to admit to myself that it is really happening. I just do not want to think about. I started out in the shocked stage. When I found out that he was deploying, I was so speechless that I didn't know what to say. Now, I am just not talking about it, thinking about it, pretending that it is soo far away when in fact it's creeping up on us. Freaking A!!!!

Why is it that I cannot admit to myself that my husband is deploying?? Why can't I accept it? I knew that he would have to deploy sooner or later when he signed up. I watched my sister go through two deployments and I saw how hard it was for her. Yet, it is my turn and I am in total denial. Is that normal? I have no idea what I am supposed to be feeling. I act like it's nothing. I act like, yeah it's a deployment, it's going to suck and it's going to be so hard. Yet, it is something that he has to do as a soldier and I have to go through as an army wife. I knew that this would happen and it is the Army. Why is so freakin hard for me to admit!?!?!?!

I wish they had a book for wives to read so that I can tell what I am supposed to be feeling, what is normal, what is not normal and all emotions that need to be felt. I need a Predeployment Emotions Guide for Dummies. Where is that book for all us wives who are getting ready to go through our first deployment? We need to be reassured that what we are feeling is normal. I hate that I just don't know what I am supposed to be feeling. This is a whole new thing for me and I do not know what to expect. I just wish that I did know. I hate not knowing!!! I guess that maybe I will just keep a log and then other wives can see what I am feeling and hopefully do not feel as lost as I do right now. :( Sucks so bad, but it could be worse, but it will get better. That is going to be my deployment quote. :) I love my husband and I proudly support him even when I am going through emotional hell, I will still stand by him proud and strong. At least, I hope I can, because that is what he needs.