We were on our way home from buying a dress for our formal next week, when it got brought up. Rob said that we should have some type of orders in about two weeks. He said that we will probably find out if his deployment is a 12 month or a 9 month. It's been a toss-up since the Army signed over to 9 month deployments. A friend of mine recently found out her husband's deployment was changed to a 9 month deployment. Please God, let ours be too.
Anyways, I realized that there are different types of stages of deployment. Right now, I think I fall into a denial stage. When he said he would get some types of order, I started crying and said you're not deploying. I do not want orders, I do not want this to happen. Somehow, in my mind, I can't bring myself to admit to myself that it is really happening. I just do not want to think about. I started out in the shocked stage. When I found out that he was deploying, I was so speechless that I didn't know what to say. Now, I am just not talking about it, thinking about it, pretending that it is soo far away when in fact it's creeping up on us. Freaking A!!!!
Why is it that I cannot admit to myself that my husband is deploying?? Why can't I accept it? I knew that he would have to deploy sooner or later when he signed up. I watched my sister go through two deployments and I saw how hard it was for her. Yet, it is my turn and I am in total denial. Is that normal? I have no idea what I am supposed to be feeling. I act like it's nothing. I act like, yeah it's a deployment, it's going to suck and it's going to be so hard. Yet, it is something that he has to do as a soldier and I have to go through as an army wife. I knew that this would happen and it is the Army. Why is so freakin hard for me to admit!?!?!?!
I wish they had a book for wives to read so that I can tell what I am supposed to be feeling, what is normal, what is not normal and all emotions that need to be felt. I need a Predeployment Emotions Guide for Dummies. Where is that book for all us wives who are getting ready to go through our first deployment? We need to be reassured that what we are feeling is normal. I hate that I just don't know what I am supposed to be feeling. This is a whole new thing for me and I do not know what to expect. I just wish that I did know. I hate not knowing!!! I guess that maybe I will just keep a log and then other wives can see what I am feeling and hopefully do not feel as lost as I do right now. :( Sucks so bad, but it could be worse, but it will get better. That is going to be my deployment quote. :) I love my husband and I proudly support him even when I am going through emotional hell, I will still stand by him proud and strong. At least, I hope I can, because that is what he needs.
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