Big Girls Don't Cry

I swore to myself that I would breastfeed Jayden and I would not give up. With Bobby, I lost my supply after not making enough and having to supplement with formula. I swore to myself that it would not happen with Jayden.

From day one, I started fenurgreek and mother's milk tea. I realized that something was right with Jay because his newborn clothes were getting big on him, so I took him in. Sure enough, he went from 7 pounds 8 oz to 7 pounds 1 oz. I caught it just in time. With Bobby, I didn't catch it until he went from 8 pounds to 7 pounds. I was relieved that I caught it just in time and I was prepared for it. I had bought a breast pump and special bottles that mimic your flow all before Jay was born. I had prepared for this, I was prepared, yet it still hurt me to know that something was wrong with me. I mean, I understand failing with the first child, but with the second?

I started on supplementing ASAP . She had him eating 5 oz every feeding, yet he couldn't handle that much. So, I started feeding him 3-4 oz every two hours (he would go 4-5 hours usually) since he was taking less, he was still getting the 16-24 oz a day she wanted him to have. It was torture at night waking up every two hours to feed him. I still nursed him in between for snacks and at night, I would nurse him until I was totally empty and follow the next feeding with a bottle. We went back to the doctor two days later and he gained 9 oz!!!! The doctor was really pleased, but wished he had gained more. A three week old gaining 9 oz in two days is a feat in itself and I was not going to get discouraged. I was actually a little proud of myself that I had caught it in time and he was back his birth weight within two days. The pat on my back didn't last very long as I soon realized, I was losing my milk supply.

I upped my fenurgreek to three pills-three times a day, in addition to taking Flaxseed Oil and Milk Thistle-one pill three times a day. I combined these with my Mother's Milk. I prayed that this worked. I didn't want to give up soo soon and I wanted to get it so I could go back to just nursing. I love mommy-Jayden time and I was not about to give it up.

I am still not seeing results and I am devastated and the thought that I have to strictly formula feed. Why is something so natural so hard for me? Why would God gives us the ability to nurse and then allow some mothers to not have that ability? I just understand. I did everything right from day one. Got rid of my caffeine intake, limited my sodas, ate a lot of fruit, drank a lot of milk, water, and other things that kept my hydrated. WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH ME?? I am at my wits end and I want to give up now. I am tired of the hope I get when I try something new and then the disappointment that follows it when it doesn't work. I am tired of bawling every day because I am having to give him more and more formula because my milk is disappearing. I am on edge and depressed about it. I hate crying, I hate showing signs of weakness, I hate showing that something is wrong, yet I can't help it.

I planned for this and yet it still hurts. You can prepare all you want, but when it happens, you can't prepare for the hurt and the disappointment you feel in yourself. I have one more try on Wednesday when I go to the Baby Cafe. I even tried to get my doctor to prescribe me reglan to fix it, but she wouldn't. She just said keep supplementing and nursing. I DON'T WANt THAT!!!!!!!!!!!! I want to fully nurse my son. I want him to my success story with nursing, yet I can't succeed. It's like I am fighting a losing battle and I am just causing unnecessary pain and heartache. I thought I was doing great and I was so proud of myself, only to find out I was going down the same path. I am losing this battle, losing my fight to do what SHOULD come naturally. I shouldn't have to fight to keep my milk supply. I shouldn't have to fight to nurse my son or at least pump. I have tried everything and yet I am very unsuccessful. I just want to provide my son with MY milk. WHY IS THAT TOO HARD TO ASK??????

Decisions

When I found out that he was deploying, the first decision that I had to make was to go home or to stay. I was still going back and forth on it and I couldn't make up my mind. I wanted to go home because it would be easier on me and the kids, plus I would have help from my mother and sister. Yet, on the other hand, I would have to give up the place we live and find another place when he got back.

I ended up taking a position as FRG leader with our battery and that kind of made my decision for me. I cannot go home because I have responsibilities here at Fort Bliss. Plus we just got a house on post and I didn't want to give it up. I love our little house here and I hated to think that we would have to restart on the housing list. So, my decision was made, so making that decision to stay was easier than I thought. Right?? hmmm...now, I am not to sure about my decision.

Lately, I have been contemplating going back home even though I don't want to give up everything I have here. I love my position, I love our house, I love the life I am creating here, yet I am about to be left alone for a year without any family close by. UGH!! Decisions, decisions. I just don't know what to really do and what's really best. I would be giving up sooo much here, but yet I would be home and with my family. I would be able to go to my mom's house for dinner, go to the church that I spent my teenage years at, with people I have grown to love and know. I would have my school friends here and I am so comfortable with VA traffic, I know where everything is and I love VA!! Why is it so hard??

I don't want to be alone and I am scared to be alone. I am scared to live on my own with two kids for a year. I am scared to have to play both roles of parenting and I am scared of deployment tearing us apart. I have soo many things running through my head right now as I am starting the emotional prepartion for this. We are months away, yet for me, the worst time is right before. For example, I know he is going to the field, yet the days leading up to him going out are emotional for me. When he leaves, I am fine. IT's the time before that gets me. The unknown. I am trying to emotionally prepare for living without him yet the more I try to prepare, the worst things get in my mind.

I am not usually the type to admit that I am scared or that I am unsure about soemthing. To me, admiting that I am scared or even crying in front of someone shows a sign of weakness. I am usually the one who cracks a joke or something so I won't cry. Yet, I admitting to all my fans here that I am scared out of my mind. Rob and I have been through a lot and we haven't exactly had the easiest marriage or life, yet we have made it through. We are strong together, we compliment each other so well. We have the same sense of humor, I get him, he gets me, we love each other. We are each other's best friend. I am about to lose my best friend. He's my rock and the only thing that keeps me grounded. I have the tendency to get stressed and fly off the handle. When I am starting to get that way, he is always there to make sure that I am grounded and reminds me that it is not as bad as I think. He reminds me to take a breath and breathe. What am I going to do when he is gone? Who is going to keep me grounded? Who is going to be there when I start flying off the handle due to stress?? He is going to be on the other side of the world.

I hope that these feelings of panic, stress, fear and other things are far too normal this far before the deployment. I know that they are normal right before the deployment, but this far in advance? I feel like I am overreacting to everything. I mean come on, just the decision to stay or go home has my stressed out. Jeez, I mean come on that should be easy. How am I going to react when we do Rob's will, power of attorney, putting everything in my name? How am I going to react at deployment briefings, deployment fairs etc?

I have tried to make the prepartion fun, by getting stuff like matching paracord deployment bands, deployment countdown sign for the boys, and it just seems to be losing it's effect on me. It's not as fun anymore. All these feelings coming out just because of the decision to go home or stay has been on my mind. Dumb huh?

Falling Apart

Do you ever feel like everything is just falling apart and it is all happening at once?? I feel that way right now. Just yesterday, I was doing pretty good.

I am having issues nursing right now and not getting enough so we had to supplement. Now, my milk is just disappearing like it did with Bobby and I am just so aggravated because I feel like I am just failing my son because I want to nurse. I gave up so easy with Bobby, but I vowed this time not to. I immediately took fenurgreek and drinking mother's milk tea and yet, I Am facing the same problem. I am doing everything right, yet it still is going all wrong. I just want to nurse my child, what is soo wrong with that???? I mean COME ON!!! IT SHOULD BE NATURAL FOR A MOTHER TO DO, YET I CAN'T SEEM TO.. Why can't I do what is so natural? Why can't all the herbs that I am taking work for me?? Why do they work for everyone else, but not for me? What is so wrong with my body?? I just want to nurse my child, why is that too hard to ask??

Rob is deploying and I am trying to find a job that I can work while he is gone to bring in extra income and occupy my job. I found a really cool job that is in the Army that I could work as a civilian. The cool part is that Rob could also do this job (which is what he really wants to do in the ARmy anyways) and we could work together, yet it requires 4 months of schooling at a Army post in Missouri. There is no way that I can do that with a soldier and two kids. Who would watch the kids? He is deploying and I would have to move to Missouri with both kids, pay out of pocket for child care and an apartment since our BAH will still be going to our house here. I can't even leave anyways because I am FRG leader for our battery. :(

All I want to do is build up my resume and get my resume competitive so that when I graduate, I can get any job I want :( I just don't understand why it seems like everything is soo difficult for me right now??

Projects

So, my problem lately is that Rob has been and will be spending a lot of time in the field. I knew it was happening and I knew it would happen with the upcoming deployment. Even though I knew about it, it still sucks that he is gone. The last field time that we just got through was not bad at all. It was actually very easy and went by super fast. I was soo pleased with it and even Rob said that it went by super fast.

I have decided that I am going to spend the times that he is in the field making stuff for his deployment. I want to make sure that he goes off with some things (homemade) that will be from home and I want to make sure that the kids have things here that will be a reminder of him. Yet, everything I want will cost us a lot of money. So, I got it into my head that I would make what I want with an exception of a few things that I KNOW I can't do. I am starting to plan out fun things for the kids to do while Rob is gone to pass by the time.

One thing I am doing is having daddy kisses and a sign. Every morning, we will change the number on the sign that says "_____ days until Daddy comes home" and every night, Bobby (Jay will be too small) will get a hershey kiss from daddy. I will count the days that Rob is gone and buy that many kisses. I will then put them in a jar and at bedtime, he will get one kiss. That way, it is something special and another fun way to count down the days. Another thing we have is a recordable book. Rob is going to record himself reading it and every night, we are going to read it until he comes home.

We are also going to take a pic of Rob in uniform and I will make a poster for Bobby that will be his height. That way he can see daddy every day and be reminded that his daddy is doing great things. I have so many ideas that I don't know if I can do them all. I really hope I can, but we shall see. I have a lot of alone time that I must fill up with something and shopping for fun is out of the question since it's not that enjoyable by myself with two kids. So, I am going to have to occupy my time with projects at home. This should be fun.

I also plan on getting a sewing machine and I am going to sew some things. That will be something that will take a lot of getting used to because I have no idea how to sew and really really wish I did. I want to make a deployment quilt for Rob to take with him. Just don't know how yet. Oh gosh, this is all sooo overwhelming. I have a little over six months to do all this. Hmm...I really really hope I am not setting myself up for failure.

Change

Sorry that I haven't written in a while. I have been a tad bit occupied with our new addition. Jayden decided to come 2 weeks early :) and it's been hectic since then. Raising a 2 year old and a newborn is very time consuming and not at all easy. They both seem to want my attention at the same time and Jayden needs a tad bit more attention, which makes Bobby very jealous. He's acting out and throwing fits. Sigh...sometimes I feel like I am doing good enough job splitting my attention. I think that is the really hard thing about having 2 kids.

It didn't take too long for me to get used to having a newborn. What is taking me forever to get used to is splitting my attention between Jay and Bobby. I have yet to get the hang of it, but I have to get used to it soon. Rob leaves tomorrow to go into the field for a whole week. I honestly am so depressed that we couldn't avoid the field time and that I am still getting used to this and he is leaving. I know that it is not his fault and it's all apart of the Army. IT SUCKS!!!!!!!!

There is nothing like baby blues, being all alone (away from family), a cranky toddler and a newborn with the hubby away. I just got used to him going to the field and it didn't bother me when he went. I could actually say good-bye to him without crying. I just know that tomorrow, I will be bawling like a little baby when he leaves at like 4 am. I usually do a project to keep my mind off of him being gone, but this time, my hands will already be full enough. I hope to be a pro at being a mommy of two by the time he gets back. I guess that will be my project. That and going out by myself with the boys. Who knows if I actually will, but I am bound and determined to do it all by myself. Doesn't help that Rob got me a brand new car (which I LOVE) and I have to get used to driving that around too. I don't even drive the car we had around in El Paso because it's too gosh darn scary out there. :) I guess that I have a lot of things/fears that I have to overcome next week.