So, it will be the boys and me for Christmas. As sad as I am that Rob is missing out on Christmas and Jayden's first Christmas, I need to make this a special as I possibly can. I have been looking for ways to actually bring joy to that day. Christmas will be quite depressing this year but knowing that it will not be this way next year.
Today, I went to WalMart and we were shopping. I have been talking to Rob about letting me get the four Christmas classic movies that I wanted. They were: The Grinch that Stole Christmas (the cartoon), Santa Claus comes to town, Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer, Frosty the Snow Man and Jack Frost. I found Jack Frost last night for $5. The remaining four were at Walmart for $10 each. Robert told me that $40 was a lot to spend and we needed to wait. I was sad, but I was okay with it. Anyways, I went to WalMart today and we were in line to check out when I saw it. Santa Claus coming to town, Rudolph and Frosty in a bundle for $20! Needless to say, Rob let me get it and I was so excited. Not only did it come with four extra little holiday movies, but it came with a $10 credit for a movie download site. So, I can download The Grinch and I will have all my movies.
Robert could not understand why I was so happy. I suddenly envisioned Bobby, Jayden and I curled up on the coach with hot chocolate (for Bobby) and Chai Latte for me watching these movies in our jammies. I was so excited. I have this idea of our family mattress on the floor of our living room and all of us on it enjoying each other.
I then realized, that Christmas was going to be hard for me. It was up to me to make Christmas extra special for the boys, specially Bobby. He will the be the one that has a hard time dealing with this all and it is my job and his mom and as a military wife, to make sure that he realizes that even though daddy is gone, things will go on. Christmas can be depressing if I focus on Rob's absence. If I focus on making my own traditions with the boys and making it very memorable, I will be happy. It is not the big things that count, but it is the little things.
In my dad's small group that he teaches every Sunday morning, he has been using Crazy Love by Francis Chan. Chapter two was all about how distracted we are by everything and how we need to refocus our lives on what truly matters. My distractions have been making every moment count and making sure everything goes smoothly. I wanted to make sure that we did things as a family and I would get soo upset when they didn't go the way that I thought that they would.
I finally had to set back and say to myself, okay, we are going to just enjoy this time as a family. Whether it be watching the Dallas Cowboys play or whether it was just watching a movie as a family, we would enjoy it. In that moment, I was at peace. In that exact moment, things fell together and we started having so much fun. The arguments went down to a minimal and Rob and I were both happier.
Francis Chan writes this in his book, " Worry implies that we don't quite trust that God is big enough, powerful enough or loving enough to take care of what's happening in our lives. Stress says that the things we are involved in are important enough to merit our impatience, our lack of grace toward others, or our tight grip of control."
Can you say WOW?!?!?!?! That just hits home and hits the ball out of the ball park. I have been so wrapped up in making sure things are perfect and that we do as much as we can as a family. Going to the splash park or park every Saturday was too much. Rob was working long days getting ready for leave and all he wanted to do was relax. I kept telling him that we were doing this and doing that. It wasn't until I stepped back and just let everything go. It wasn't until I relinquished all control and took a deep breath. In my search of living with no regrets, I was having a lot of regrets. I now have none. I know what I did wrong and I corrected it.
We are enjoying our leave and enjoying the fact that we are together as a family. Isn't that all that should matter? Same with Christmas. We will be celebrating it without Rob this year, but that doesn't mean that we can't have the best Christmas ever. Just because Rob won't be here for it, doesn't mean that we shouldn't celebrate. Why? We celebrate Christmas because that was when Jesus came to the earth to save us. It is not about all the presents, dinners and other things that are now associated with Christmas. It is about the birth of our Savior. That is what Christmas is about. So, yes Rob will be gone, but Jesus isn't and He is the reason for the season.
As the holidays approach, please give your kids an extra hug. Be kind to your spouses and please do not get wrapped up in the holiday doo-daah. It is about Jesus Christ. It is about his birth. So, please remember, Jesus Christ is still alive and so is Christmas. It's a time to celebrate His birth. I know my boys and I will be making a Cake and singing Happy Birthday to Him.
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
Life bites
Today-this saying has rang so true. We are on leave. We left El Paso Saturday morning at midnight. We arrived in Virginia around 7 am Sunday Morning. Yes, we drove straight through-never again. We just wanted to get home and I was so excited to be finally be home.
Monday and Tuesday have been amazing. Rob and I refused to let anything come in our way of enjoying our leave and enjoying time as a family. We promised each other that there would be no regrets and we would love each like we have never loved each other. It's been perfect. It almost feels like we are dating again. He is opening doors for me, rubbing my back, holding my hand and we are just so happy together as a family. No stress from the Army, no stress at all. Just Rob, the boys and me. It's how it should be.
Well, today was good until I woke up and got a call. Got a call that delievered some bad news about his deployment. He is not leaving when we thought and I am just upset. I had just spent the past two months preparing myself for him to leave. I was ready. I was prepared. I was emotionally ready. All our paperwork was done, bags were packed and car parts replaced before we went on leave. It was all good. Now, it's changed. :( I am not prepared. I feel it's too soon. I do not know how exactly to prepare myself for this.
I had these plans and now, they have all changed. I mean, it doesn't really surprise me because it is the Army, it's what they do. Right? They change things around. Dates and times will constantly change until the plane is in the air. I shouldn't be soo freaking shocked like I am.
I cannot allow myself to ruin any more leave. I had today and have about one more hour left. After that, all deployment talk is to cease. No deployment talk, no Army talk, nothing. We hit a bump in the road today and I feel like it's been handled well. I didn't let it ruin all day today. I had my little upset moments, but nothing that would cause me to ruin the day. I have to remain positive. This is my last chance to make memories with Rob AND the kids for a whole year. This is my last chance to make sure that Robert has the relaxation that he needs before he goes to a stressful job overseas. I need to make sure that he leaves knowing that I have everything under control. I have to do this for not only myself, but for Robert and the boys.
So, as I type this, I am releasing whatever emotions that I have left. I am enjoying a cup of Chai latte and watching Law and Order: Criminal Intent. The boys are sleeping and Rob just laid down so he will be out shortly. As, I reflect on my life, I am so blessed to have an amazing husband, two amazing little boys and a wonderful house. I have amazing family and friends. What more could a girl ask for?
Monday and Tuesday have been amazing. Rob and I refused to let anything come in our way of enjoying our leave and enjoying time as a family. We promised each other that there would be no regrets and we would love each like we have never loved each other. It's been perfect. It almost feels like we are dating again. He is opening doors for me, rubbing my back, holding my hand and we are just so happy together as a family. No stress from the Army, no stress at all. Just Rob, the boys and me. It's how it should be.
Well, today was good until I woke up and got a call. Got a call that delievered some bad news about his deployment. He is not leaving when we thought and I am just upset. I had just spent the past two months preparing myself for him to leave. I was ready. I was prepared. I was emotionally ready. All our paperwork was done, bags were packed and car parts replaced before we went on leave. It was all good. Now, it's changed. :( I am not prepared. I feel it's too soon. I do not know how exactly to prepare myself for this.
I had these plans and now, they have all changed. I mean, it doesn't really surprise me because it is the Army, it's what they do. Right? They change things around. Dates and times will constantly change until the plane is in the air. I shouldn't be soo freaking shocked like I am.
I cannot allow myself to ruin any more leave. I had today and have about one more hour left. After that, all deployment talk is to cease. No deployment talk, no Army talk, nothing. We hit a bump in the road today and I feel like it's been handled well. I didn't let it ruin all day today. I had my little upset moments, but nothing that would cause me to ruin the day. I have to remain positive. This is my last chance to make memories with Rob AND the kids for a whole year. This is my last chance to make sure that Robert has the relaxation that he needs before he goes to a stressful job overseas. I need to make sure that he leaves knowing that I have everything under control. I have to do this for not only myself, but for Robert and the boys.
So, as I type this, I am releasing whatever emotions that I have left. I am enjoying a cup of Chai latte and watching Law and Order: Criminal Intent. The boys are sleeping and Rob just laid down so he will be out shortly. As, I reflect on my life, I am so blessed to have an amazing husband, two amazing little boys and a wonderful house. I have amazing family and friends. What more could a girl ask for?
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
Big girls don't cry?
There is a popular song (one of my favorites) that is titled, "Big Girls Don't Cry". That was my motto in life. Nothing could get me down and I had to be strong 24/7. When I heard that Rob was deploying, I vowed to myself that I would not be upset and crying all the time.
I hate crying. I always saw it as a weakness. Why cry? It shows people that are you vulnerable and that you do not have it all together. I hated showing it to anyone, including Rob, especially Rob. I want him to leave knowing that I have everything under control and that I am put together.
I got his orders a couple of weeks ago and no tears. I was surprised. I thought for sure that as soon as I got those, I was going to bawl my eyes out. Yet, no tears came. Nothing. I thought, hmm...maybe I was handling this much better than I thought I would. I surprised myself and I knew that I could do it. No big deal. He will be leaving for a year and then we will be back together until he deploys again. No big deal right?
Tonight, for some reason, I could no longer hold the tears back. I could not keep them in and I could not stop them. I tried to play it off like I was okay and nothing was wrong. I knew he was so proud of me and how I was handling this whole thing. I did not want to let him down. Tonight, I could not stop crying. I kept telling myself that I was okay and nothing was going to happen. I kept blinking my eyes and trying to think of happy thoughts.
To my surprise, Rob just held me. He just held me and told me everything was going to be okay. Nothing bad was going to happen and more importantly, our marriage was going to make it through this. I kept apologizing for crying and getting mascara and eyeliner all over his shoulder and chest. I kept apologizing for keeping him up (he was settling down to go to sleep). He just held me tight and stroked my hair. I tried to pull away and he refused to let go.
I kept saying that I should not be crying and I needed to be strong for him. He looked at me and said, "Babe, big girls do cry". It is so true. We all need to cry some time in our lives. We can cry in the corners away from everyone, but it does not cut it. We, as humans, require the comfort of another human being when we are upset. Bobby always comes straight to me when he is scared, hurt or just wants to be kissed and love. We desire that affection. We need that affection. Yet, society tells us that we need to hide our emotions and put on a mask to show that we are all okay. We are all normal and that nothing is wrong.
Tears are normal. They are there when we are happy, sad, in pain, angry, guilty etc. Any type of emotion that you feel, you can have tears. I cried when I said good-bye to Robert when he left for BCT and I cried when I saw him at graduation. I will cry when I see him off and I will cry when he comes home. Crying is a part of our lives and we need to do it every once in a while. Crying releases all penned-up emotions. After I ran out of tears and Robert had me laughing (he is very good at that), I felt at peace. I felt good about everything.
What is really amazing, this whole time, I have been holding back my tears because I did not want Robert to think I was weak. I acted like everything was fine and it did not bother me. I was going to stay strong for him. I was perfectly fine with him deploying. Yet, after tonight, Robert told me he was glad I cried. He was glad I finally released all my emotions. It showed him that I was really going to miss him. This whole time, I had been hiding emotions because I thought it was what he needed. When in reality, he needed to see my emotions. He needed to know that I love him so much and I will miss him something awful. What I thought was best for him, was not what was best for either of us.
So, all in all, big girls DO cry. They cry when they are happy, sad and whatever else they are feeling. They are normal. That is probably the only "normal" thing about me. This deployment is going to teach Robert and I a lot about each other and about ourselves. I am a big girl, I wear big girl panties, but I do cry.
I hate crying. I always saw it as a weakness. Why cry? It shows people that are you vulnerable and that you do not have it all together. I hated showing it to anyone, including Rob, especially Rob. I want him to leave knowing that I have everything under control and that I am put together.
I got his orders a couple of weeks ago and no tears. I was surprised. I thought for sure that as soon as I got those, I was going to bawl my eyes out. Yet, no tears came. Nothing. I thought, hmm...maybe I was handling this much better than I thought I would. I surprised myself and I knew that I could do it. No big deal. He will be leaving for a year and then we will be back together until he deploys again. No big deal right?
Tonight, for some reason, I could no longer hold the tears back. I could not keep them in and I could not stop them. I tried to play it off like I was okay and nothing was wrong. I knew he was so proud of me and how I was handling this whole thing. I did not want to let him down. Tonight, I could not stop crying. I kept telling myself that I was okay and nothing was going to happen. I kept blinking my eyes and trying to think of happy thoughts.
To my surprise, Rob just held me. He just held me and told me everything was going to be okay. Nothing bad was going to happen and more importantly, our marriage was going to make it through this. I kept apologizing for crying and getting mascara and eyeliner all over his shoulder and chest. I kept apologizing for keeping him up (he was settling down to go to sleep). He just held me tight and stroked my hair. I tried to pull away and he refused to let go.
I kept saying that I should not be crying and I needed to be strong for him. He looked at me and said, "Babe, big girls do cry". It is so true. We all need to cry some time in our lives. We can cry in the corners away from everyone, but it does not cut it. We, as humans, require the comfort of another human being when we are upset. Bobby always comes straight to me when he is scared, hurt or just wants to be kissed and love. We desire that affection. We need that affection. Yet, society tells us that we need to hide our emotions and put on a mask to show that we are all okay. We are all normal and that nothing is wrong.
Tears are normal. They are there when we are happy, sad, in pain, angry, guilty etc. Any type of emotion that you feel, you can have tears. I cried when I said good-bye to Robert when he left for BCT and I cried when I saw him at graduation. I will cry when I see him off and I will cry when he comes home. Crying is a part of our lives and we need to do it every once in a while. Crying releases all penned-up emotions. After I ran out of tears and Robert had me laughing (he is very good at that), I felt at peace. I felt good about everything.
What is really amazing, this whole time, I have been holding back my tears because I did not want Robert to think I was weak. I acted like everything was fine and it did not bother me. I was going to stay strong for him. I was perfectly fine with him deploying. Yet, after tonight, Robert told me he was glad I cried. He was glad I finally released all my emotions. It showed him that I was really going to miss him. This whole time, I had been hiding emotions because I thought it was what he needed. When in reality, he needed to see my emotions. He needed to know that I love him so much and I will miss him something awful. What I thought was best for him, was not what was best for either of us.
So, all in all, big girls DO cry. They cry when they are happy, sad and whatever else they are feeling. They are normal. That is probably the only "normal" thing about me. This deployment is going to teach Robert and I a lot about each other and about ourselves. I am a big girl, I wear big girl panties, but I do cry.
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