Butterflies

Do you know what is the best part of a butterfly? It is not their beauty, but it is their second chance on life. It is the fact that they can be something ugly, make a choice to change and turn into something beautiful. They take the pain and use it to become beautiful. 

I love butterflies because of their second chance on life. I hit a really low low. I was headed no where but down. I did some things that I was not proud of and behaved because of the way I viewed myself. Things that happened in the past that made me look at myself. I did not have the confidence nor the drive to get the confidence. I became really depressed and just turned into someone that I was not happy to be. I needed a change, but was not ready for it nor wanted to drive towards to it. 

It wasn't until my best friends stepped in and pretty much gave me an ultimatum before I saw what I was doing to myself. I hated them for a couple of days. I was not happy with them, but I knew that they were right. I immediately snapped out of the self-misery that I was wallowing in and decided that now was a time to be challenged and change. It was not up to anyone to do it for me, but it was up to me to do the change.

So, almost two weeks later, I've made leaps and bounds and I am really trying to get everything back on track and my head back on. It is not easy and often is painful. I have to work through issues that have piled up through the years and I have to be diligent enough to work on it. It will be an every day battle for me. It will be a struggle because I have to wake up every day with battles going on in my mind. I have to stop resorting back to bad behaviors and I have to continue improving myself. When you've been in habits every day for years, it is super hard to break. Hence why it is a hard battle every day. 

It doesn't help that I have ADHD and I can't stay focused long. I have to remind myself to remain focused when I get distracted. It is a working progress. I mean, I just hate that I have to work this hard just to get back to where I was, but it will be worth it. 

I not only have to learn to beat bad behaviors, but I also have to build my confidence and self-esteem back up and I have to learn to forgive some people who have hurt me. People I have trusted. It is one thing to say, "I forgive you" and it's another thing to actually know how to and mean it. I am trying to learn that. I am really trying to learn how to forgive and forget, just like Jesus talked about. 

As a part of my molting process, I am going to be trying a new church. I was supposed to try it on Sunday, but my youngest had a fever and I couldn't make it. So, I am trying it this Sunday. I am super excited about it, but yet I am very anxious about it to. I hate going somewhere I don't know anyone alone. Yet, that is a part of me  trying to be better. I have to work through my anxiety about going new places by myself. I just hate it, but I need to conquer that. 

I am just trying to make sense of everything and trying to figure out things for myself. I just know that this will all be worth it in the end and I am going to be someone and make something of myself because of this. I am excited for the change. I am changing both inside and out. Hair, getting in shape and actually putting time into my appearance is all a part of the outside. That is the fun stuff, not the inside work. Yet, the inside work is the hardest. 

I cannot wait until it is my turn to be a butterfly. Until I can break through my shell and spread my wings and fly. As cliche that it sounds, it fits the situation perfectly. My time to be a butterfly will come and when it does come, it will be amazing and people will look at what I was and who I became and be amazed. Just like when they see the caterpillar rolling its cocoon and then coming out as a butterfly. Amazed