Still alive

Well, we've almost made it through our first week of deployment. The house is still standing, I am still alive and sane!!! I call that an accomplishment!!! Do not get me wrong, this is really hard. It is harder than anything I've ever imagined. I love him so much and he is my everything. The fact that I have to wake up every day without seeing him, go to bed without kissing him good-night is what makes this worse. I can handle everything else, I just out right miss him. 

Christmas was not as bad as I thought. I had a breakdown on Christmas Eve. I had to get home and be around my house because that was were he was. Everything smelled like him and I was happy to be "near" him. That lasted about 3-4 hours before I couldn't stand it anymore. I had re-clean the house so that I could move things that he put somewhere to another spot. I had to scrub the floors with my cleaner (we use different floor cleaner) because the house smelt like him. I had to cleanse my house of it all. I felt that it was a very unhealthy reaction, but as I found it, it was totally normal. I couldn't stop crying and just begging myself to wake up.  I kept hoping that it was just a very long and detailed nightmare and I need to wake up ASAP. 

I spent Christmas with my two closest friends. We actually ended up going to see a light show and then to the movies to see the new Chipmunks movie. I thought that because it didn't feel like Christmas, it wasn't Christmas. I think it was the most perfect way to spend Christmas all things considering. We had so much fun! It was a blast and I was thrilled to get out of the house and away from everything. I began to forget my horrible breakdown the day before. I started tearing up at the light show, because I felt that Rob should have been there. I began to be angry at the Army because how dare they deploy him soo soon before Christmas. I quickly reminded myself that he was going over there so that the unit over there could come home. 

I know that I've wrote about this in a previous post, but there is one thing that always gets me out of the pity-party mood that I get in because of this deployment. I shift the focus off myself and put it on others. I am angry because he left days before Christmas, well he did that so others could come home and be with their families. Little things like that, take my mindset off of me (where it doesn't need to be) and puts it on others. I know that a lot of my friend's husbands are deployed. I know a rough estimate on when the homecomings are. So, I know that Rob comes home after such and such number of homecomings. Those homecomings are a chance for me to be happy with other wives because their loved ones are coming home. I have a few friends who have husbands in the unit Rob is replacing. As jealous as I get,  I am beyond thrilled. I know that these ladies have done their share of this and have had their share of rough times. One girl I know, had her baby girl and then a lot of complications after the birth. They wouldn't let her husband come home, so she had to do a lot of that alone. She gets her husband back for good in a few weeks. How can I be upset or jealous? My time will come and when it comes, I will be beyond thrilled. I know that when my time comes, that means another unit will be deploying to replace Rob's unit. It's a bittersweet cycle. 

I know that as soon as I make it through the remaining days here in December, the deployment will start going by faster. I have a lot of plans and activities planned for 2012. Rob and I have talked it over and instead of doing resolutions, we are going to do couples resolutions. The way that it works, is that I will make up one thing I want to work on and one thing I want him to work on. He will then do the same for me. This way, we can keep each other in check and work on bettering ourselves as individuals and as a couple. We refuse to let this deployment ruin us. I was so scared that it would, because the night before he left, we got into a huge fight. After he left, I was dreading how things would be, yet after talking to him when he got over there, he was having the same thoughts. We decided here on out, that we would promise ourselves that we will not let the deployment get to us. We have been through a lot already and I am not ready to let a lousy deployment ruin all our hard work. 

I appreciate all of you who read this. You see my ups and downs and sometimes wonder what the heck was I thinking when I wrote that. Trust me, I think the same thing. I do appreciate everyone and I hope that as I continue to go through this, I can help someone. The point of my blogging is not to vent for the whole world to see. I want to be able to show people that they are not alone in this world. I want to show them that there are others who feel or think the same way. I know, during this deployment, I have often wondered to myself if I was handling this normally. I want people to realize that everyone is different when it comes to things like this, but we are all in this together (my favorite saying until high school musical stole it and ruined it). Please do not feel like you are alone. YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!! I promise you. 

Mission: Impossible

The impossible has happened. I am officially in the Christmas spirit. I thought that I would just have to hope and pray that I would get into the spirit and maybe, just maybe, I would be after he left. I have reached the Christmas spirit today!! 

It all started when we got our Heroes at Home gift card from Sears. Every year, they give out gift cards to a select group of military families to help with Christmas. It is like Black Friday shopping when the registration opens up for the program. The website will crash from the number of people that are trying to apply. We applied and were accepted. We recently got ours yesterday. 

I had done the majority of our Christmas shopping on Black Friday because all the things I wanted for the boys were on sale and I was so excited. I saved a lot of money from that and the boys were going to be spoiled. Usually, we get the boys one big gift and some little gifts for their birthdays and for Christmas. This year, Robert and I decided that we would set aside that rule, considering he would be deploying right before Christmas. We had decided to set aside money from each paycheck so that we could do what we wanted to do for the boys. 

We ended up celebrating Christmas with his parents while we were up there. I bawled all the way home because it didn't feel like Christmas and I was afraid that I would feel like that on Christmas day. I have been trying so hard to keep an upbeat outlook on this whole deployment process and it seemed that my hard work was not paying off. To make matters worse, I looked at the calendar yesterday and realized how scary soon Rob was deploying. I felt that no matter how hard I tried, I would be Scrooge for Christmas. I do a good job playing off that I am completely fine and everything is just perfect. Deep down inside, I am hurting and just want to scream. I figured that Christmas would be like that. I didn't want to listen to Christmas music either (and I LOVE Christmas music).

We got our Sears gift card and Rob and I sat down to talk about how we would spend it. We could get the boys more presents, or get each other something little. I mentioned that I wish we could decorate for Christmas and before I knew it, Rob had a Christmas tree picked out and ready for pick up. I grew very excited. I felt like a kid in a candy store. You see, we've been married for three years and never decorated for Christmas. Our first Christmas together, we couldn't afford to decorate or buy a Christmas tree. Our second Christmas was the same way. We had just had Bobby six months prior to that and we were strapped for money as is. We could not afford to buy a Christmas tree and decorations. Last Christmas, we were stationed here and went home for Christmas. There was no point in decorating since I was gone for about three weeks and Rob didn't want to decorate by himself. This year, we could afford it  but thanks to Sears, we were able to get a nice tree and not have to spend a lot out of pocket. We also got some decorations.

Rob is taking me out tomorrow to finish up the rest of our shopping and then home to wrap presents and set up the tree and everything. I am so excited for Christmas. I cannot wait to decorate my own tree for the first time EVER and I am even more excited to start my own traditions for the boys. I have so many plans for Christmas day and I am so excited to spend that day with our boys. Rob will be in our thoughts and def in our prayers as he will probably be traveling or just arriving come Christmas day. It's going to be a bittersweet day, but I am soo thankful that I am finally in the spirit of the holidays. I am so relieved that I haven't lost the spirit of the holidays and now that I am excited, Bobby is even more excited. He is itching to get into presents and see what he got. 

So, mission impossible is a success. This grouchy army wife is finally in the spirit of Christmas and is going to enjoy every second. I know that I will be sad on that, who wouldn't be, but I know that Rob would want me happy and he would want me to enjoy the day. So, that is what I shall do. I am so thankful for his service and incredibly proud of him. <3 I love him more and more every day.