Still alive

Well, we've almost made it through our first week of deployment. The house is still standing, I am still alive and sane!!! I call that an accomplishment!!! Do not get me wrong, this is really hard. It is harder than anything I've ever imagined. I love him so much and he is my everything. The fact that I have to wake up every day without seeing him, go to bed without kissing him good-night is what makes this worse. I can handle everything else, I just out right miss him. 

Christmas was not as bad as I thought. I had a breakdown on Christmas Eve. I had to get home and be around my house because that was were he was. Everything smelled like him and I was happy to be "near" him. That lasted about 3-4 hours before I couldn't stand it anymore. I had re-clean the house so that I could move things that he put somewhere to another spot. I had to scrub the floors with my cleaner (we use different floor cleaner) because the house smelt like him. I had to cleanse my house of it all. I felt that it was a very unhealthy reaction, but as I found it, it was totally normal. I couldn't stop crying and just begging myself to wake up.  I kept hoping that it was just a very long and detailed nightmare and I need to wake up ASAP. 

I spent Christmas with my two closest friends. We actually ended up going to see a light show and then to the movies to see the new Chipmunks movie. I thought that because it didn't feel like Christmas, it wasn't Christmas. I think it was the most perfect way to spend Christmas all things considering. We had so much fun! It was a blast and I was thrilled to get out of the house and away from everything. I began to forget my horrible breakdown the day before. I started tearing up at the light show, because I felt that Rob should have been there. I began to be angry at the Army because how dare they deploy him soo soon before Christmas. I quickly reminded myself that he was going over there so that the unit over there could come home. 

I know that I've wrote about this in a previous post, but there is one thing that always gets me out of the pity-party mood that I get in because of this deployment. I shift the focus off myself and put it on others. I am angry because he left days before Christmas, well he did that so others could come home and be with their families. Little things like that, take my mindset off of me (where it doesn't need to be) and puts it on others. I know that a lot of my friend's husbands are deployed. I know a rough estimate on when the homecomings are. So, I know that Rob comes home after such and such number of homecomings. Those homecomings are a chance for me to be happy with other wives because their loved ones are coming home. I have a few friends who have husbands in the unit Rob is replacing. As jealous as I get,  I am beyond thrilled. I know that these ladies have done their share of this and have had their share of rough times. One girl I know, had her baby girl and then a lot of complications after the birth. They wouldn't let her husband come home, so she had to do a lot of that alone. She gets her husband back for good in a few weeks. How can I be upset or jealous? My time will come and when it comes, I will be beyond thrilled. I know that when my time comes, that means another unit will be deploying to replace Rob's unit. It's a bittersweet cycle. 

I know that as soon as I make it through the remaining days here in December, the deployment will start going by faster. I have a lot of plans and activities planned for 2012. Rob and I have talked it over and instead of doing resolutions, we are going to do couples resolutions. The way that it works, is that I will make up one thing I want to work on and one thing I want him to work on. He will then do the same for me. This way, we can keep each other in check and work on bettering ourselves as individuals and as a couple. We refuse to let this deployment ruin us. I was so scared that it would, because the night before he left, we got into a huge fight. After he left, I was dreading how things would be, yet after talking to him when he got over there, he was having the same thoughts. We decided here on out, that we would promise ourselves that we will not let the deployment get to us. We have been through a lot already and I am not ready to let a lousy deployment ruin all our hard work. 

I appreciate all of you who read this. You see my ups and downs and sometimes wonder what the heck was I thinking when I wrote that. Trust me, I think the same thing. I do appreciate everyone and I hope that as I continue to go through this, I can help someone. The point of my blogging is not to vent for the whole world to see. I want to be able to show people that they are not alone in this world. I want to show them that there are others who feel or think the same way. I know, during this deployment, I have often wondered to myself if I was handling this normally. I want people to realize that everyone is different when it comes to things like this, but we are all in this together (my favorite saying until high school musical stole it and ruined it). Please do not feel like you are alone. YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!! I promise you.