Out of sight-out of mind

Have you ever heard of the expression, out of mind, out of sight? Well, aparently, that is my new line of thinking towards the deployment. I am not sure if it is heathly way of thinking.

Rob told me this morning that he was coming home with two bags of deployment gear and I interrupted him and said no you are not. I told him that that stuff will not be entering my home in any time and I am content to leave it in the car until he deploys. I know that I will not nor can he leave it in our car. It just made me feel comforted to say that.

I seem to think that if I do not see his gear or any orders, then the deployment will not happen and everything will be normal. It is a bad dream that I will wake up soon enough and laugh over. NEWS FLASH: IT IS NOT!!!! I totally thought that I was semi over with this preparation for deployment and yet, as soon as he as soon mentioned his gear coming home, I went back to my old way of thinking. Out of sight, out of mind. I am back to denying the fact that he is leaving and is leaving soon.

I hope that as soon as we get his orders, then it will be the last thing that I will have to deal with pre-deployment. He has off the next two days in addition to a four day. So, with that being said, we are going to knock out some of the not-so-fun pre-deployment stuff that needs to be done. I think we are going to be going up to JAG to get the power of attorney so that I have his power just in case I have to deal with something. I have a list of things that need to be done before deployment and I am pretty good with my to do lists. Except, the pre-deployment list doesn't seem to be getting done. I do not want to be doing things at the last minute and yet, I do not want to do it. I guess that I am  just assuming that it will be done magically and I won't have to do any of it. Here's to hoping.

I may be a horrible wife for saying this, but I am just ready for him to deploy. The emotions and all the prepartions are getting overwhelming. I just want it done and over with. I want to start moving on and I want all this crap to go away. I just want to have him gone soley so things can be established, routines made and life will go on. I love him to death and I do not want to him to deploy. Yet, for emotional purposes and for sanity, I just want all the pre-deployment crap to stop and to go away. Does that make sense at all?? Please do not think that I am waiting for my husband to leave and that as soon as he leaves, I am going to be a happy wife. THAT IS NOT THE CASE... I am preparing for the love of my life to leave and I love him with EVERY ounce of my being. I just want to be done with the ups and downs and want to accept the fact that he is gone and I can start looking forward to his homecoming. I want to stop dreading this. I want my countdowns to go towards something happy and not something sad. I want my countdowns to be how many days until I see him, not lose him. Does it make sense now?  SIGH!!!!


Out of sight, out of mind.