Big Girls Don't Cry

I swore to myself that I would breastfeed Jayden and I would not give up. With Bobby, I lost my supply after not making enough and having to supplement with formula. I swore to myself that it would not happen with Jayden.

From day one, I started fenurgreek and mother's milk tea. I realized that something was right with Jay because his newborn clothes were getting big on him, so I took him in. Sure enough, he went from 7 pounds 8 oz to 7 pounds 1 oz. I caught it just in time. With Bobby, I didn't catch it until he went from 8 pounds to 7 pounds. I was relieved that I caught it just in time and I was prepared for it. I had bought a breast pump and special bottles that mimic your flow all before Jay was born. I had prepared for this, I was prepared, yet it still hurt me to know that something was wrong with me. I mean, I understand failing with the first child, but with the second?

I started on supplementing ASAP . She had him eating 5 oz every feeding, yet he couldn't handle that much. So, I started feeding him 3-4 oz every two hours (he would go 4-5 hours usually) since he was taking less, he was still getting the 16-24 oz a day she wanted him to have. It was torture at night waking up every two hours to feed him. I still nursed him in between for snacks and at night, I would nurse him until I was totally empty and follow the next feeding with a bottle. We went back to the doctor two days later and he gained 9 oz!!!! The doctor was really pleased, but wished he had gained more. A three week old gaining 9 oz in two days is a feat in itself and I was not going to get discouraged. I was actually a little proud of myself that I had caught it in time and he was back his birth weight within two days. The pat on my back didn't last very long as I soon realized, I was losing my milk supply.

I upped my fenurgreek to three pills-three times a day, in addition to taking Flaxseed Oil and Milk Thistle-one pill three times a day. I combined these with my Mother's Milk. I prayed that this worked. I didn't want to give up soo soon and I wanted to get it so I could go back to just nursing. I love mommy-Jayden time and I was not about to give it up.

I am still not seeing results and I am devastated and the thought that I have to strictly formula feed. Why is something so natural so hard for me? Why would God gives us the ability to nurse and then allow some mothers to not have that ability? I just understand. I did everything right from day one. Got rid of my caffeine intake, limited my sodas, ate a lot of fruit, drank a lot of milk, water, and other things that kept my hydrated. WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH ME?? I am at my wits end and I want to give up now. I am tired of the hope I get when I try something new and then the disappointment that follows it when it doesn't work. I am tired of bawling every day because I am having to give him more and more formula because my milk is disappearing. I am on edge and depressed about it. I hate crying, I hate showing signs of weakness, I hate showing that something is wrong, yet I can't help it.

I planned for this and yet it still hurts. You can prepare all you want, but when it happens, you can't prepare for the hurt and the disappointment you feel in yourself. I have one more try on Wednesday when I go to the Baby Cafe. I even tried to get my doctor to prescribe me reglan to fix it, but she wouldn't. She just said keep supplementing and nursing. I DON'T WANt THAT!!!!!!!!!!!! I want to fully nurse my son. I want him to my success story with nursing, yet I can't succeed. It's like I am fighting a losing battle and I am just causing unnecessary pain and heartache. I thought I was doing great and I was so proud of myself, only to find out I was going down the same path. I am losing this battle, losing my fight to do what SHOULD come naturally. I shouldn't have to fight to keep my milk supply. I shouldn't have to fight to nurse my son or at least pump. I have tried everything and yet I am very unsuccessful. I just want to provide my son with MY milk. WHY IS THAT TOO HARD TO ASK??????