Decisions

When I found out that he was deploying, the first decision that I had to make was to go home or to stay. I was still going back and forth on it and I couldn't make up my mind. I wanted to go home because it would be easier on me and the kids, plus I would have help from my mother and sister. Yet, on the other hand, I would have to give up the place we live and find another place when he got back.

I ended up taking a position as FRG leader with our battery and that kind of made my decision for me. I cannot go home because I have responsibilities here at Fort Bliss. Plus we just got a house on post and I didn't want to give it up. I love our little house here and I hated to think that we would have to restart on the housing list. So, my decision was made, so making that decision to stay was easier than I thought. Right?? hmmm...now, I am not to sure about my decision.

Lately, I have been contemplating going back home even though I don't want to give up everything I have here. I love my position, I love our house, I love the life I am creating here, yet I am about to be left alone for a year without any family close by. UGH!! Decisions, decisions. I just don't know what to really do and what's really best. I would be giving up sooo much here, but yet I would be home and with my family. I would be able to go to my mom's house for dinner, go to the church that I spent my teenage years at, with people I have grown to love and know. I would have my school friends here and I am so comfortable with VA traffic, I know where everything is and I love VA!! Why is it so hard??

I don't want to be alone and I am scared to be alone. I am scared to live on my own with two kids for a year. I am scared to have to play both roles of parenting and I am scared of deployment tearing us apart. I have soo many things running through my head right now as I am starting the emotional prepartion for this. We are months away, yet for me, the worst time is right before. For example, I know he is going to the field, yet the days leading up to him going out are emotional for me. When he leaves, I am fine. IT's the time before that gets me. The unknown. I am trying to emotionally prepare for living without him yet the more I try to prepare, the worst things get in my mind.

I am not usually the type to admit that I am scared or that I am unsure about soemthing. To me, admiting that I am scared or even crying in front of someone shows a sign of weakness. I am usually the one who cracks a joke or something so I won't cry. Yet, I admitting to all my fans here that I am scared out of my mind. Rob and I have been through a lot and we haven't exactly had the easiest marriage or life, yet we have made it through. We are strong together, we compliment each other so well. We have the same sense of humor, I get him, he gets me, we love each other. We are each other's best friend. I am about to lose my best friend. He's my rock and the only thing that keeps me grounded. I have the tendency to get stressed and fly off the handle. When I am starting to get that way, he is always there to make sure that I am grounded and reminds me that it is not as bad as I think. He reminds me to take a breath and breathe. What am I going to do when he is gone? Who is going to keep me grounded? Who is going to be there when I start flying off the handle due to stress?? He is going to be on the other side of the world.

I hope that these feelings of panic, stress, fear and other things are far too normal this far before the deployment. I know that they are normal right before the deployment, but this far in advance? I feel like I am overreacting to everything. I mean come on, just the decision to stay or go home has my stressed out. Jeez, I mean come on that should be easy. How am I going to react when we do Rob's will, power of attorney, putting everything in my name? How am I going to react at deployment briefings, deployment fairs etc?

I have tried to make the prepartion fun, by getting stuff like matching paracord deployment bands, deployment countdown sign for the boys, and it just seems to be losing it's effect on me. It's not as fun anymore. All these feelings coming out just because of the decision to go home or stay has been on my mind. Dumb huh?