Sometimes people use deployed spouses as a "get out of jail free card". They think that just because they have a spouse deployed that they can act selfish and crabby. They feel like the world owes them and that life is out to get them. Why? All because their husband/wife is deployed.
I am not referring to one person. I wrote that because as soon as deployment hit me, I started having those tenancies. I would go off on Robert for no reason and just tell him that I was going through a lot and he should give me some space. In retro spec, he was going through the same thing and worse... I was horrified at my behavior when I regain my senses and got my head back on straight. I realized that I was WAY wrong and I deeply apologized for it. Even though he said it was okay, it was not okay to me. When it mattered most, I was not showing him that I could remain strong and that I had a good head on my shoulders. He needs to have confidence in me and yet, I was in the "woe is me" attitude.
I had chosen not to move home because Rob wanted me to stay here. He didn't want to lose our post housing and I did not want to stress about finding a house and moving back when he was on his way home. We did sit down and talk about and made the decision. I did, though, go back and forth after I made the decision. Whenever something went wrong, I decided that I was going to go home. Every time we had a fight, I was going to go home. I did not want to stay here because it scared the heck out of me. I wanted to move home near my mom because that was what was comfortable for me. I decided that moving there and then moving back and then moving to another post was going to be too much for the kids and me.
I finally made up my mind. I was staying here and that was final. So, once I made that decision, I had to figure out ways to occupy my mind and time. I could get a job, but after I figured it all, it wouldn't be worth it. The money that I would earn would only cover child care and I did not want to leave my kids with someone day in and day out. I would miss them too much. I've been a stay at home mom since 2009 (I know- two years is not a long time), but I seriously do not know if I could leave them constantly. I love my boys.
So, the job was out. I figured out that I need to find something that I could do and the boys could come with me. I decided that instead of focusing on myself, one way to keep that in perspective, I was going to volunteer. I decided that I was going to have depressing moments where I just want to wallow in self pity at the situation. I do not want to do that. I've gotten past that part and do not want to go back. So, volunteering would keep my mind off of myself and Rob's absence and it would help pass time. If I dive myself into volunteering, I will be so focused on others and helping them. My focus would not be on me, but it would be helping others who are in worse situations than I am in.
I have interviewed at the Red Cross and start orientation tomorrow. I am awaiting a couple of other places to get back to me about volunteering with them. I advise those who have deploying spouses to give some of your time back to the community. It will help pass the time, you will be happy knowing that you are making a difference and you are helping people. It will help keep the focus off yourself and turn the focus onto others. I haven't even started at the Red Cross, but I am soo pumped. I am not dreading the deployment as bad.
I am now 100% sure that I was supposed to stay here in El Paso for the deployment. I was not supposed to go home because if I did, I would not have this doors being opened. I am so grateful for them and I am so excited to be able to help. I plan on doing some type of volunteering every day. Do I care that I am not getting paid for it? No way. Why? Because, I love to help others and I want to know that if I need help, there will be a volunteer that is willing to help me.
Just think about. What would you want to do with your time during deployment?
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