Tired of Waiting

I literally just want to tear my hair out. I've known for over a year that he was deploying and now that we are right around the corner, I just want to pull my hair out. I am so tired of preparing and waiting for him to leave. It is pretty much torture. I just want it to happen already. I want it to start and to be over with. 

We got here at Bliss last October. As soon as we got here at Bliss, there was a 50/50 chance of him deploying. He was playing limbo between two units. If he was attached to one unit, he would have deployed right away. Thankfully, he was attached to the unit we are with now and we were given a year to prepare. Please do not get me wrong, I am so thankful that I had that year to prepare. I know that most people have way less than that. I am not complaining at all. 

With us having a year to prepare, I feel like I've been waiting for him to deploy for almost forever. It is torture. I feel like it's time to start it and get it over with. I just want him back. I've spent the last year dreading this deployment. I am beyond ready to look forward towards something happy. I am beyond ready to be able to count down till he is back in my arms. I hate that I've been dreading him leaving and I just want to be able to start looking forward to something. 

I am scared to death of this deployment. I feel ready (since I've had so long to prepare), but as it grows closer, I feel soo lost. I feel like I've lost all control of every emotion that I've been able to control. I feel like my world is falling down. Robert is my best friend and my rock. I am so scared to deal with things without him. I am scared of raising the boys without him. I am scared for him to be away from us for so long. I am just plain scared. I cannot seem to get a grasp on reality as of lately. Yet, I am functioning and going on about my buisness.

I want to scream and cry and throw a fit. I want to run home and just be with my mom. I want her to make everything better. She always knows just the right thing to say and I'm losing one of my rocks for a year and my other one is 1800 miles away. I want to just give up and crawl in a hole. Yet, I cannot do any of that. I need to be here. It is my turn to be an adult and to prove to everyone, including myself, that I can do this. IF I can do this, I can do anything. I often question to myself if this deployment would be easier without kids. Yet, I think it would be twice as worst. I cannot imagine my life without these boys. They are the lights in my dark world. They are what gets me up in the morning, they are the ones that make me laugh when I am sad, smile when I am crying and just plain thank God for blessing me with them.