When I grow up

If you were to ask me what I wanted to do when I grew up, I would tell you without a second thought, that I wanted to be police officer. I grew up watching cops and that's all I ever wanted to do. Never would I have answer that I wanted to be an Army wife. I just never thought that I was cut out for it. Even when Rob first brought up that he wanted to join, I questioned if I could step up to the plate. Never in my life would I imagine that I would have to live months to a year without my husband. Who would want to? Even while he was at basic, I questioned how I would handle it. I missed him soo much and every day was like an eternity. Every night I would lay in bed and pray for strength to make it through the next day. Every night, I would think that I just can't do this. I cannot be a military wife. I am not cut out for this, I am not ready for this much responsibility.

Tomorrow marks the 1 year point of when he swore in. This life has not been easy, I don't think it every does. Yet, my way of dealing with things has made it seem a bit easier. I realize that maybe I am cut out for this. I mean, I love making sure his uniform is all intact, I love the site of his combat boots by the door. I love the responsibility that is required of me. Every day, I am constantly challenged to step it up. When he comes home and tells me that he has to go away for a week or two, I am upset. Who wouldn't be? I mean what wife isn't sad that her husband is leaving for a while. Yet, I soon snap into shape, I help him pack his stuff, make sure his uniforms are washed and cleaned, make sure that he has all the toiletries (he tends to forget) and I help prepare him. It's second nature to me. Days don't drag on forever like they use to. I know when I am getting down and how to pick myself up. I know how to keep myself busy and what to do when Bobby is driving me nuts!! This life does not get easier, just the way of dealing with it, makes it appear easier.

My husband is currently training (has been for two weeks) and he is gearing up for some more field time and then finally for the deployment. The saying that people have said is that if you can make it through the first year in the Army and your first deployment, your marriage has a chance of making it. We have made it through the 1st year of the Army and now are getting ready to do the deployment. It's going to test the strength of our marriage, but we are prepared. We are ready to take this challenge and knock it out of the ballpark. I am really going to have to step up and take control. I am bringing another precious baby into this world in the middle of war and it sucks, but Rob will leave and be gone for the first year of his life. Everything is going to fall on my shoulders. I am going to have to be the daddy, mommy, financial whiz, plumber, maintainer of the house. I am going to have wear a lot of hats, but it's what I do and I love it.

Saying all this, I hold a lot of pride in my role. Yet, I can't take all the credit for how I have adapted to this. I cannot say that this has all been my accord. I have a great role model, my older sister. She is a US Marine wife to a Major. She has been apart of the military lifestyle for years. They have 4 wonderful kids and she is a constant reminder of how a military wife should be. When I get complaining and get whinny, she is always there reminding that things could be worse. As much as it annoys me sometimes when she does that, its exactly what I need. She is being a a big sister to me and she has never beat around the bush. She always tells you how it is. She has always been like that. Just ask Rob, when he first met her, she grilled him. I told Rob, he has to get past my dad and my oldest sister. He looked at me and said, "How bad can she be?" He soon found out.

She recently went through a deployment (her second) and she has gone months without her husband while he was on other trips and such. She lives right next to my mom and dad. When I lived at home, I never once heard her complain. I never once saw her breakdown. She is probably one of the most strong people I know. I know she had her moments, but she never let it show. So, now as I get accustomed to this life, she is there to give me a kick in the butt when I get down. I look to her for strength. WE fought constantly, still bicker. Yet, for once, I feel like we have the bond of being sisters and being military wives. Yes, she always been on the officer side and I'm on the enlisted side, but it doesn't matter. Yes, she is on the Marine side and I am on the Army side, but it doesn't matter. She knows exactly what I am going through and what I am enduring. I remember calling her and telling her how ugly our house was and she told me she cried when she first saw hers. I know while Rob is gone, if I get whinny or I start complaining, she will lovingly kick my butt and I am forever thankful for that. I don't think I would be the strong (sometimes, I do have my emotional times) military wife that I am, if she wasn't there to keep reminding me to be. I tend to lose sight of things but she helps me find them again.

Of course, you can't forget to give credit to mom. I've messed up so much in my life. Trust me, I have made some POOR decisions in my life, and I know I have hurt her a lot. I always swore to her that I would never hurt her like my brothers did. Yet, I did. I was awful, I would intentionally say things and do things that went against what they taught me and I knew it hurt it. Yet, she always loved me and always told me I was her success story. Mom and dad adopted 3 kids, two boys and then me. The boys had emotional issues and mom had to cut ties from them. She constantly reminded me (even when I messed up, specially when I messed up) that I was her success story. I have a lot to make up for. I have caused a lot of hurt to her, and now as a mother and a wife, I want nothing else but to live up to that. It's taken a lot of growing up and living this military life has helped a lot. I am finally to the place where I feel like she can be proud once again. I feel like even though I regret those decisions, they made me who I am today. They led me to this point in my life. I am not proud of my decision now, but I am so thankful that my mom never once gave up on me, no matter how much I hurt her, or how hard I pushed her. She always said, "Sonja, I don't care if you don't like me. I am not your friend, I am your parent." Boy was that true. She never cared about making me happy, but she cared more about me making the best decisions for myself. She instilled a motivation and perseverance that I would never have had, if she gave up on me.

So, as I venture into this life of crazy military wife life, I am constantly reminded by two strong women that I am capable of doing it. The two women I butted heads with when I was young, the older sister that I dreaded bringing guys home to and super bossy and the mom that never let me have fun and was just there to ruin my life, are now the two women I look to for support. Whenever I hear something and I freak out, I call mom crying. She reminds that until it's official to not worry. She is the first person I call when I am upset or I miss home. I call on her on a weekly basis just to talk to her. Just a couple of years ago, I didn't even want to be in the same room as her. Funny how growing up not only changes you, but changes your relationships. I pushed everyone away, I said screw you all, I will do what I want, and yet my family was there when I came around to my senses. Now, that's family.

Mom still acts like my parent, of course, it's what she does. Yet, this time, I welcome it. I know she is just being a mom and checking on her baby. She told me she will always see me as her baby. I am okay with that, because I am. She is my mom and now one of my closest friend. I can't believe the irony of it all. Bossy sister and overbearing mom are now apart of my support system. It's what I need and it's what makes me the wife and the mother I am today. I wouldn't have it any other way.

So, who do you want to be when you grow up? It may not be who you think.

Trials

These last few days have been hard, on both Bobby and me. The field time has really put into perspective how soon this deployment is. I can't imagine how I will get through this. I have a hard time doing these two week field times.

It kills me that is he is gone for two weeks and Bobby is just missing him. He cries for daddy when he goes to bed at night. I have to spray Rob's cologne on his blanket and his soldier bear for him to calm down. He begs me to read him his Hero Dad book before bedtime too. If it's this hard on him now, I can only imagine how hard it will be when the real test comes. Field time is just practice.

I literally sit here and wonder why I chose this life. I look at all those who have husband's deployed and I wonder how they do it. I spend a lot of time thinking. It kills me that he has to miss out on Bobby and Jayden's life for so long. Bobby will be 3 years old and Jayden will be 1 year old by the time he gets back.

There is talk that the guys are going out for a month right before my due date. The chance that Rob may not be there kills me. I can't imagine not giving birth with him there. I want..I need him there. I can't have him miss Jayden's birth. He is going to miss enough of Jayden's life, he doesn't need to miss his birth. He will miss Jayden's first step, possibly Jayden's first word. Rob left when Bobby was 6 months old for basic and now he is leaving the same time with Jayden.

I know this all kills him just as much as it kills me, if not more. :( I often think, if it's this hard for me, I can only imagine how hard it is on Rob. I am not the one missing out on so much. I'm not the one who has to spend a year in a foreign country away from his family. I don't like to see him struggle and he has been holding it in and trying not to think about it. I know it hurts him. He is such a great father and he adores both sons (even though he hasn't met Jayden).

These are all apart of the trials that we face as military wives. I sometimes wonder how I can do this and why I chose to do this. A saying always comes to my mind when I get like this. You never know how strong you are, until it's your only option. This saying is soo true. On days that I don't know how I can get through the day, or how I can do this much longer, I suddenly get a burst of strength. I look at Bobby and I realize that I have to be strong for him. I look at Rob and see how proud he is be an American soldier. I realize that I need to be strong for him. He goes through a lot that he doesn't tell me about. He is always strong for me, so I guess that it is my turn to be strong for him.

Day 2

Well, Bobby and I have made it through day 2 of the 11 day field exercise. The days seem to be flying by. I know as soon as I say that, they will start inching by, it's just my luck. :)

It's been pretty good. Yesterday was hard for me. I was emotional and discouraged knowing that he wasn't coming home on the weekend like any other time. I did not see an end to this, but today, I do. Tomorrow, I am doing something extra special for Robert and hanging out with a good friend of mine. Friday, I have an appointment in the morning that will last all morning. Saturday and Sunday are going to be the worst days. :( When Monday rolls around, it's going to be refreshing. I welcome Monday's arrival since I know that my husband will be back in my arms until August when he goes back into the field.

I always seem to build up this idea that the things are going to be awful and it's going to be the worst 11 days of my life. It hasn't seem that bad. This time is a little worse since he is busy and I haven't been able to have contact, but isn't this what field is all about? I mean it's all about both sides getting ready for the deployment. I know that things are going to be 10x worse when he actually leaves, but these little spurts of absence are really helping me. I came to the peace today that everything is going to be fine and it's up to me to make the field time as fun as I can or hell. I can't afford to sit around and mope about. I have a child to think about. How would it look to Bobby to see his mommy all depressed and not doing anything? How does that teach him to have pride in what his daddy is doing?

I want Bobby to know that every time daddy is away, he is helping the world be a safer place to be. I don't want Bobby growing up thinking that his daddy being gone is a bad thing. Yes, as he gets older, he is going to upset and sometimes angry, but it's all in how I present it. I need to be strong not only for Robert (so he can focus on his mission), but I need to be strong for Bobby and Jayden. I want no hard feelings to build up between them and their dad.

So, we begin day 3 tomorrow. It should be even better then today since I am getting out of the house and hanging out, plus Bobby will get worn out at the park and it will make for a peaceful afternoon. Now if only I could manage to finish some of my to do list. I've started like six things, but stop half way through them to start another. If Rob was here, he would be yelling at me saying one thing at a time. I can hear him now, and it makes me smile. Man I miss him yelling at me.It's funny the things we miss. For example, he left his running shoes, his dirty ACUs, a pair of sandals and a couple of other things on the floor. I usually get mad. It seems like he just doesn't know how to put things away. (sounds familiar...my dad used to say that to me). Yet today, I just smiled and picked them up. I put them away shaking my head.

I know that I will clean this house top to bottom in anticipation of his arrival, and as soon as he gets here, his alice pack, laundry bag and whatever he is wearing will be on the floor of our very small kitchen. Yet, I can't wait. I can't wait to have his crap every for me to pick up, for me to wash. Crazy huh? My dad would have a heart attack if he heard me say that. He always said that I left a trail wherever I went, and I did. Now I feel his pain, but somehow, after field time, I seem to welcome the mess. But don't worry, it will wear out it's welcome very soon. :)

Well, I am off to bed after I pick up a little bit. I gotta get some sleep so I can start day 3. I don't know if you call waking up every hour to every little noise my phone makes sleep. To a normal person, they wouldn't call it sleep, yet to a military wife, it's pretty good if you get an hour between waking up. I welcome the little sleep I get, at least it is sleep. :)

Projects

So, tomorrow Robert leaves for two whole weeks. That means, it will be just Bobby and me for 14-16 days here in El Paso. What to do? I don't drive much resulting in me not knowing where things are. Hmmm....

Field time officially sucks!!!!!! I barely keep my sanity during the one week field tours. This means that I have to keep my mind off the fact that he is gone. So, thankfully, I was able to get all Jayden's stuff (the majority of it). So, I will be busy getting his room all cleaned out and together. I have a list of things that I have made that will take (should take) me about two weeks to fully do.

I gotta make the two weeks fly by and they will not if I just sit on the couch counting down the days. When my dad goes on trips, my mom always did projects. When my brother in law was deployed, my sister would do projects and keep herself busy. I have come to realize that in order to survive the Army schedule, I must consume myself in tiny little projects.

So, putting together Jayden's room, decorating the house (with help from an amazing friend), organizing the house (really organizing), surprise project, hmm... I think that will consume me for two weeks. Not to mention all the school work that I will have to do. My ethics class is going to keep busy enough with just the homework, reading, assignments and quizzes. Whew...I am worn out just typing that out.

So, all in all, I am hoping that these two weeks FLY by with all that I have planned. I just hope that I can have all the energy to do it. Bobby wears me out and he will be going stir crazy, so I am going to have to take him to the park too. 30 weeks pregnant + toddler + long list of To Do + Appointments + No Husband = one worn out 22 year old. :) It doesn't matter, my husband is getting the training he needs, and I am keeping busy!! :) I love my life. I really do. The Army has really taught me how strong I am and how much I can do on my own. You never know how strong you are until it's your last option. SO, these two weeks are going to fly by and before I know it, Rob will be back home and we can start preparing for Jayden's arrival. :)

P.S.

Yes, the Army sucks, but I love this lifestyle.. Just saying.

Dry Run

The next two weeks are going to suck extremely bad. Rob is leaving for some field training exercises and he will be gone for two weeks (no weekends home). What am I going to do with myself for two whole weeks? I have yet to figure that out and really don't want the time for him to go to come.

Rob and I have established field rules that we apply by. We look at field time as a dry run for deployment. Two weeks is no where close to being a year, but it helps looking at it as a a dry run. We don't talk on the phone or text hardly at all, some nights he calls and some nights he doesn't. We do this so that I can get used to not having him constantly call me and I am able to function with just Bobby by myself.

I welcome field time because it is good training for both Rob and I. He gets the training that will be essential to their mission overseas and I get to be able to "train" for my mission here at home. It's not going to be easy doing it by myself with two kids, but if I can get used to doing it with one child, I know I can do two. The Army may be a pain in the butt when it comes to field time (I will be the first to say that it's true), but it is really how you look at it. I am blessed that Rob won't spend all his time in the field before he deploys and that I will have him as much as the Army allows me to.

Pregnancy Emotions SUCK

Can I just say that pregnancy emotions truly suck??? I got in the car last night to make a late night run to the Shopette to get some diapers (since I forgot to get them when the Commissary was open). I looked at the seat next to me, and Robert's packing list for the field was sitting there. I burst into tears knowing that he would be gone for two weeks straight (as of right now). This is second time in the field and I should be used to him going into the field, or at least I better since he will be going out a lot to prepare for his deployment. Yet, for some odd reason, the stupid piece of paper sent me into tears. I had to collect myself and go into the store to get what I needed.

Tonight, Robert informed me that he had bag inspection tomorrow, so he needed to pack all his stuff so that he can have it all ready to lay out. I automatically started stressing out because I needed to wash his PTs, ACUs and his socks (you don't understand how bad these things stink). I was planning on doing wash tomorrow and now all the sudden he needs these things for inspection tomorrow. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!?!?! He told me to calm down and probably thought I was crazy for stressing about such a dumb, little thing. He just need them for inspection and then I can wash them and make sure he has fresh ones for the field since he won't be able to wash them for two weeks.

Why are the littlest things affecting me in such a big way? I mean come on, I need to be this strong Army wife and yet the field packing list breaks me down. I feel so pathetic. I mean, it makes NOOO sense to me. Usually, I just don't really get why pregnancy hormones suck so bad. They need to figure out some way to curve them and make them easy to deal with. I really hate them and despise them. I guess I am not supposed to hate, but I strongly dislike them.

Inspiration=Strength

Today, I had tears in my eyes as we were driving around Ft Bliss today. Robert had his SoldierHard cd in the cd player and we were listening to it. He considers this his source of inspiration and motivation. SoldierHard knows how it is. He served our country and did tours overseas. He fought and served our country and now he raps about it.

He has so many great songs that I could talk all day about them, but today I want to address two of them. One of them I have been obsessed with and listening to constantly. I think I can make it through the whole song without crying from how powerful it is and how much it hits home. It's called The Military Wife. I first heard this song and bawled my eyes out. It perfectly describes what we go through when they are gone. I know that I have no idea what it feels like to have a deployed hubby, but I know that I will soon enough. My time is coming and I know for a fact that I can get through this with his music. When I am down and depressed, music is where I turn to. I turn to it for my motivation to keep going and this song puts it in perfect perspective. We will talk about this song later.

The reason I was in tears today was because he has a song out called Where's My Daddy At. I played it on the radio to listen to it (yes, I had tears in my eyes by the end). What really pushed the edge was Bobby. He was in the back and he would complain every time the song would go off. He would stop automatically as soon as the song came back on and I busted out in tears. We have now made that his and daddy's song. He is really starting to show how proud he is. He was in his room the other day for 15 mins until I checked on him. He was sitting on his bed with his Camo bear that was dressed up in ACUs that we bought from Build A Bear. My heart just melted. He was just laying there cuddling with it. He carries his camo blanket around every where and he loves his Army t-shirt(also loves his Dallas Jersey). He stands at the door every morning and cries for daddy when Robert leaves.

He is my source of inspiration. He gives me the strength to go on. I need to be strong for him and for my soldier. I need to keep the family together and it's my responsibility to make sure that Bobby knows how much his daddy loves him. It's my job to keep Robert near Bobby at all times. When Robert comes home, Bobby is the first to greet him and he loves sitting with his daddy to watch movies. He is a little Robert. I hated that we named him Robert because I couldn't stand having him called Bobby (I am okay with it now, since it fits his personality PERFECTLY). I am now seeing no other name would be suitable for him. He is a miniature image of his daddy. He brought me his Dallas jersey so he could wear it and he soaks up any time with Daddy.

Bobby is almost 2 years old, yet he is beginning to see that Daddy is gone a lot and he realizes that he needs to spend time with him. Robert is the same way. He is preparing for this deployment both with the Army and himself. He has all the training and will be prepared to do his job, but he isn't prepared to leave his wife and two sons. He will miss so much of Jayden's life and it kills him. I watch him with Bobby and he is an amazing father. It's depressing to see him with Bobby knowing that he will be gone.

Robert, Bobby and Jayden are my strength. They are my rocks. Robert is being strong for us and we are being strong for Robert. He honestly needs it more then me. Robert is specially my source of inspiration. He fights two battles every day. He fights for his country and for his family. Military marriage is hard. I have had times that I have bawled my eyes out just wanting to go home. I have had lonely nights and there are days that I want to just give up. He sees how hard it is on me and how hard it is for him, but we are in this together. He fights and I support him. I am here for him no matter what and I will forever be. He is my best friend and the love of my life. We have to fight twice as hard for our marriage, but we are Army Strong and we can do it. As long as we keep each other motivated and inspired, we will survive.

WHEW

I hate that I can't really keep up with this, even though I really want to. Everything is so hectic and crazy down here. We just got through a "huge" snowstorm that shut the city down. This "crazy" snowstorm was only 2 inches and it caused so many problems. We lost hot water (kept the cold water), our drinking water was contaminated and we had to boil it to make it drinkable. They had to get electricity from Arizona and Mexico and El Paso was declared a State of Emergency. Really? I mean it was just 2 inches of snow. Where I come from, 2 inches of snow is NOTHING!!

It seems like the every day, my to-do-list just gets longer and longer and my days get busier and busier. I have to get things ready so I can set up a meeting about getting the FRG started, I have to help Robert with his classes since he enrolled, I have to help him get ready for APFTs and keep him motivated towards his career goal. I need to get ready for Jayden's arrival and the list can go on and on. I just sometimes go crazy and I can't imagine how all this will get done. Yet, this is keeping me really busy and my mind off of the dooming date that is coming.

I guess that it is a good thing that I am keeping myself busy. I mean it is keeping my mind off of everything and with Robert going into the field for two weeks this month and then again in May. I am hoping that he won't be sent in the field in May with the arrival of our second. I would hate for him to have to leave for a week when Jayden comes. He is already going to miss soo much with Jayden, I don't want him to miss out on the first couple weeks of his life. I am praying that everything works out where we can have him coming back from leave when they are leaving so he won't be sent. I don't want him going, because I don't know if I can handle being all alone that soon with a newborn and a toddler. I mean, I can handle it, but I am scared to.