If you were to ask me what I wanted to do when I grew up, I would tell you without a second thought, that I wanted to be police officer. I grew up watching cops and that's all I ever wanted to do. Never would I have answer that I wanted to be an Army wife. I just never thought that I was cut out for it. Even when Rob first brought up that he wanted to join, I questioned if I could step up to the plate. Never in my life would I imagine that I would have to live months to a year without my husband. Who would want to? Even while he was at basic, I questioned how I would handle it. I missed him soo much and every day was like an eternity. Every night I would lay in bed and pray for strength to make it through the next day. Every night, I would think that I just can't do this. I cannot be a military wife. I am not cut out for this, I am not ready for this much responsibility.
Tomorrow marks the 1 year point of when he swore in. This life has not been easy, I don't think it every does. Yet, my way of dealing with things has made it seem a bit easier. I realize that maybe I am cut out for this. I mean, I love making sure his uniform is all intact, I love the site of his combat boots by the door. I love the responsibility that is required of me. Every day, I am constantly challenged to step it up. When he comes home and tells me that he has to go away for a week or two, I am upset. Who wouldn't be? I mean what wife isn't sad that her husband is leaving for a while. Yet, I soon snap into shape, I help him pack his stuff, make sure his uniforms are washed and cleaned, make sure that he has all the toiletries (he tends to forget) and I help prepare him. It's second nature to me. Days don't drag on forever like they use to. I know when I am getting down and how to pick myself up. I know how to keep myself busy and what to do when Bobby is driving me nuts!! This life does not get easier, just the way of dealing with it, makes it appear easier.
My husband is currently training (has been for two weeks) and he is gearing up for some more field time and then finally for the deployment. The saying that people have said is that if you can make it through the first year in the Army and your first deployment, your marriage has a chance of making it. We have made it through the 1st year of the Army and now are getting ready to do the deployment. It's going to test the strength of our marriage, but we are prepared. We are ready to take this challenge and knock it out of the ballpark. I am really going to have to step up and take control. I am bringing another precious baby into this world in the middle of war and it sucks, but Rob will leave and be gone for the first year of his life. Everything is going to fall on my shoulders. I am going to have to be the daddy, mommy, financial whiz, plumber, maintainer of the house. I am going to have wear a lot of hats, but it's what I do and I love it.
Saying all this, I hold a lot of pride in my role. Yet, I can't take all the credit for how I have adapted to this. I cannot say that this has all been my accord. I have a great role model, my older sister. She is a US Marine wife to a Major. She has been apart of the military lifestyle for years. They have 4 wonderful kids and she is a constant reminder of how a military wife should be. When I get complaining and get whinny, she is always there reminding that things could be worse. As much as it annoys me sometimes when she does that, its exactly what I need. She is being a a big sister to me and she has never beat around the bush. She always tells you how it is. She has always been like that. Just ask Rob, when he first met her, she grilled him. I told Rob, he has to get past my dad and my oldest sister. He looked at me and said, "How bad can she be?" He soon found out.
She recently went through a deployment (her second) and she has gone months without her husband while he was on other trips and such. She lives right next to my mom and dad. When I lived at home, I never once heard her complain. I never once saw her breakdown. She is probably one of the most strong people I know. I know she had her moments, but she never let it show. So, now as I get accustomed to this life, she is there to give me a kick in the butt when I get down. I look to her for strength. WE fought constantly, still bicker. Yet, for once, I feel like we have the bond of being sisters and being military wives. Yes, she always been on the officer side and I'm on the enlisted side, but it doesn't matter. Yes, she is on the Marine side and I am on the Army side, but it doesn't matter. She knows exactly what I am going through and what I am enduring. I remember calling her and telling her how ugly our house was and she told me she cried when she first saw hers. I know while Rob is gone, if I get whinny or I start complaining, she will lovingly kick my butt and I am forever thankful for that. I don't think I would be the strong (sometimes, I do have my emotional times) military wife that I am, if she wasn't there to keep reminding me to be. I tend to lose sight of things but she helps me find them again.
Of course, you can't forget to give credit to mom. I've messed up so much in my life. Trust me, I have made some POOR decisions in my life, and I know I have hurt her a lot. I always swore to her that I would never hurt her like my brothers did. Yet, I did. I was awful, I would intentionally say things and do things that went against what they taught me and I knew it hurt it. Yet, she always loved me and always told me I was her success story. Mom and dad adopted 3 kids, two boys and then me. The boys had emotional issues and mom had to cut ties from them. She constantly reminded me (even when I messed up, specially when I messed up) that I was her success story. I have a lot to make up for. I have caused a lot of hurt to her, and now as a mother and a wife, I want nothing else but to live up to that. It's taken a lot of growing up and living this military life has helped a lot. I am finally to the place where I feel like she can be proud once again. I feel like even though I regret those decisions, they made me who I am today. They led me to this point in my life. I am not proud of my decision now, but I am so thankful that my mom never once gave up on me, no matter how much I hurt her, or how hard I pushed her. She always said, "Sonja, I don't care if you don't like me. I am not your friend, I am your parent." Boy was that true. She never cared about making me happy, but she cared more about me making the best decisions for myself. She instilled a motivation and perseverance that I would never have had, if she gave up on me.
So, as I venture into this life of crazy military wife life, I am constantly reminded by two strong women that I am capable of doing it. The two women I butted heads with when I was young, the older sister that I dreaded bringing guys home to and super bossy and the mom that never let me have fun and was just there to ruin my life, are now the two women I look to for support. Whenever I hear something and I freak out, I call mom crying. She reminds that until it's official to not worry. She is the first person I call when I am upset or I miss home. I call on her on a weekly basis just to talk to her. Just a couple of years ago, I didn't even want to be in the same room as her. Funny how growing up not only changes you, but changes your relationships. I pushed everyone away, I said screw you all, I will do what I want, and yet my family was there when I came around to my senses. Now, that's family.
Mom still acts like my parent, of course, it's what she does. Yet, this time, I welcome it. I know she is just being a mom and checking on her baby. She told me she will always see me as her baby. I am okay with that, because I am. She is my mom and now one of my closest friend. I can't believe the irony of it all. Bossy sister and overbearing mom are now apart of my support system. It's what I need and it's what makes me the wife and the mother I am today. I wouldn't have it any other way.
So, who do you want to be when you grow up? It may not be who you think.
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