Still alive

Well, we've almost made it through our first week of deployment. The house is still standing, I am still alive and sane!!! I call that an accomplishment!!! Do not get me wrong, this is really hard. It is harder than anything I've ever imagined. I love him so much and he is my everything. The fact that I have to wake up every day without seeing him, go to bed without kissing him good-night is what makes this worse. I can handle everything else, I just out right miss him. 

Christmas was not as bad as I thought. I had a breakdown on Christmas Eve. I had to get home and be around my house because that was were he was. Everything smelled like him and I was happy to be "near" him. That lasted about 3-4 hours before I couldn't stand it anymore. I had re-clean the house so that I could move things that he put somewhere to another spot. I had to scrub the floors with my cleaner (we use different floor cleaner) because the house smelt like him. I had to cleanse my house of it all. I felt that it was a very unhealthy reaction, but as I found it, it was totally normal. I couldn't stop crying and just begging myself to wake up.  I kept hoping that it was just a very long and detailed nightmare and I need to wake up ASAP. 

I spent Christmas with my two closest friends. We actually ended up going to see a light show and then to the movies to see the new Chipmunks movie. I thought that because it didn't feel like Christmas, it wasn't Christmas. I think it was the most perfect way to spend Christmas all things considering. We had so much fun! It was a blast and I was thrilled to get out of the house and away from everything. I began to forget my horrible breakdown the day before. I started tearing up at the light show, because I felt that Rob should have been there. I began to be angry at the Army because how dare they deploy him soo soon before Christmas. I quickly reminded myself that he was going over there so that the unit over there could come home. 

I know that I've wrote about this in a previous post, but there is one thing that always gets me out of the pity-party mood that I get in because of this deployment. I shift the focus off myself and put it on others. I am angry because he left days before Christmas, well he did that so others could come home and be with their families. Little things like that, take my mindset off of me (where it doesn't need to be) and puts it on others. I know that a lot of my friend's husbands are deployed. I know a rough estimate on when the homecomings are. So, I know that Rob comes home after such and such number of homecomings. Those homecomings are a chance for me to be happy with other wives because their loved ones are coming home. I have a few friends who have husbands in the unit Rob is replacing. As jealous as I get,  I am beyond thrilled. I know that these ladies have done their share of this and have had their share of rough times. One girl I know, had her baby girl and then a lot of complications after the birth. They wouldn't let her husband come home, so she had to do a lot of that alone. She gets her husband back for good in a few weeks. How can I be upset or jealous? My time will come and when it comes, I will be beyond thrilled. I know that when my time comes, that means another unit will be deploying to replace Rob's unit. It's a bittersweet cycle. 

I know that as soon as I make it through the remaining days here in December, the deployment will start going by faster. I have a lot of plans and activities planned for 2012. Rob and I have talked it over and instead of doing resolutions, we are going to do couples resolutions. The way that it works, is that I will make up one thing I want to work on and one thing I want him to work on. He will then do the same for me. This way, we can keep each other in check and work on bettering ourselves as individuals and as a couple. We refuse to let this deployment ruin us. I was so scared that it would, because the night before he left, we got into a huge fight. After he left, I was dreading how things would be, yet after talking to him when he got over there, he was having the same thoughts. We decided here on out, that we would promise ourselves that we will not let the deployment get to us. We have been through a lot already and I am not ready to let a lousy deployment ruin all our hard work. 

I appreciate all of you who read this. You see my ups and downs and sometimes wonder what the heck was I thinking when I wrote that. Trust me, I think the same thing. I do appreciate everyone and I hope that as I continue to go through this, I can help someone. The point of my blogging is not to vent for the whole world to see. I want to be able to show people that they are not alone in this world. I want to show them that there are others who feel or think the same way. I know, during this deployment, I have often wondered to myself if I was handling this normally. I want people to realize that everyone is different when it comes to things like this, but we are all in this together (my favorite saying until high school musical stole it and ruined it). Please do not feel like you are alone. YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!! I promise you. 

Change

Well, it is two days before Christmas and we are almost through our first week of deployment. I sent my husband off earlier this week and let me just tell you, that was the hardest thing that I've ever done. I thought that I had prepared myself for this and I thought that I had myself all strong and ready for it. Boy, was I wrong.

When the day had started at 7 am, I was optimistic, hyper and making sure that everyone around me was smiling. I felt that I needed to make sure that people were not too sad and that they would be able to enjoy their last few hours with their spouses and loved ones. I felt the need to do silly things and crack jokes just to keep up the spirits. My good friend Lyessa was having a hard time first thing that morning, so what did I do? I went and party-boyed  her so that she would laugh. For some odd reason, I always feel the need to be the goof-ball during depressing situations, such as the deployment earlier this week.

I was a tad bit emotional on and off through out the day. Whenever I felt myself cry, I felt the need to stop it and move on. I refused to allow myself to cry because I wanted to show Robert that I was indeed ready for this and I was indeed ready to take everything on. I just needed to keep focusing on my boys and my husband and my friends. Rob being the goofy guy that he is, constantly was lifting me up and picking me up and saying silly things that would keep me laughing when we went into the gym for family time. I felt that he needed to see my smile and as hard as I tried to, it was hard. I knew that he wanted to remember me smiling more than crying, but it was slowly sinking in. It was slowly sinking in that I was losing my best friend and soul mate for a year. Slowly sinking in that my boys were spending a year without the man that they looked up to. Bobby adores Rob and was his little shadow. People say that he is too young to notice anything, that is totally false. He knows that daddy is gone, he misses daddy and wants him back. He doesn't understand where daddy went or why he is gone, but he knows that he is. I just can't imagine what is going on in his little head.

I thought that they would give us a 15 minute warning, but no warning. Before we knew it, they were doing final role call. The time that I've been dreading for the past year had just now come. It was a blur because everything kept happening so fast. All I truly remember is that I kept holding his face and kissing him as hard and long as I could. I felt that the more I kissed him and the longer I kissed him, somehow it would make things better. I was not ready for this. I had just spent a year preparing for this and I was just not ready. Who can ever be ready? I know I can't. I know that there is no way on earth that I would ever be ready to send Rob off for a year.  I kept telling him that I was going to wait for him and that if anything happened to him, that I would never love anyone like I loved him. It is true.

Robert and I have our share of hard times. Actually, we've had more than our share, but we've always survived. He knows what to say to make me laugh, to make cry, to make mad and to make me just out right smile. He may not be the perfect guy, but who is? I am more romantic than him and wish he would be more romantic. Yet, that doesn't seem to matter. NOTHING seems to matter. The fact that he leaves the toilet seat up or when he shaves his face, he never washes the sink out, or when he comes home, everything he wears is in a line leading to the bathroom, all those things, do not matter to me. I miss those things. I miss everything that I used to be so frustrated with.  Funny how that all works.

I can now start counting down to when he comes back. I am a tad bit jealous seeing all the husbands that are returning soon, but I am grateful that those families get their loved ones back. It is because of our guys who deployed and are deploying, that they get to come back. It's a bittersweet cycle, but even though it makes me jealous, I am comforted knowing that families will be reunited. I keep trying to hold onto that thought as I get depressed, angry and all the other emotions that come from deployment.

This is all so real to me. As I get about five minutes to talk to him once in a while, my world seems to stop and everything just focuses on him. It doesn't matter what is going on around me, nothing is as more important than to talk to him. I am hoping that we can video chat soon and I can see him and so can the boys. I am hoping that maybe for Christmas, I can see them. So, what do I want for christmas? A video chat with my husband. That is all I really want from the world this year. I just want this to be over with. I want him back in my arms, safe and sound. It seems like every day that I go, I get more and more pessimistic about this deployment. Every time I look at his picture, I realize that I have so long until I see him again. I have such a long time before he is back here safe and sound.  I have a freaking long time until we are a family again.

Tired of Waiting

I literally just want to tear my hair out. I've known for over a year that he was deploying and now that we are right around the corner, I just want to pull my hair out. I am so tired of preparing and waiting for him to leave. It is pretty much torture. I just want it to happen already. I want it to start and to be over with. 

We got here at Bliss last October. As soon as we got here at Bliss, there was a 50/50 chance of him deploying. He was playing limbo between two units. If he was attached to one unit, he would have deployed right away. Thankfully, he was attached to the unit we are with now and we were given a year to prepare. Please do not get me wrong, I am so thankful that I had that year to prepare. I know that most people have way less than that. I am not complaining at all. 

With us having a year to prepare, I feel like I've been waiting for him to deploy for almost forever. It is torture. I feel like it's time to start it and get it over with. I just want him back. I've spent the last year dreading this deployment. I am beyond ready to look forward towards something happy. I am beyond ready to be able to count down till he is back in my arms. I hate that I've been dreading him leaving and I just want to be able to start looking forward to something. 

I am scared to death of this deployment. I feel ready (since I've had so long to prepare), but as it grows closer, I feel soo lost. I feel like I've lost all control of every emotion that I've been able to control. I feel like my world is falling down. Robert is my best friend and my rock. I am so scared to deal with things without him. I am scared of raising the boys without him. I am scared for him to be away from us for so long. I am just plain scared. I cannot seem to get a grasp on reality as of lately. Yet, I am functioning and going on about my buisness.

I want to scream and cry and throw a fit. I want to run home and just be with my mom. I want her to make everything better. She always knows just the right thing to say and I'm losing one of my rocks for a year and my other one is 1800 miles away. I want to just give up and crawl in a hole. Yet, I cannot do any of that. I need to be here. It is my turn to be an adult and to prove to everyone, including myself, that I can do this. IF I can do this, I can do anything. I often question to myself if this deployment would be easier without kids. Yet, I think it would be twice as worst. I cannot imagine my life without these boys. They are the lights in my dark world. They are what gets me up in the morning, they are the ones that make me laugh when I am sad, smile when I am crying and just plain thank God for blessing me with them. 

50 things I wish I had known earlier

Growing up involves a lot of lessons learned. You learn them through a lot of heartache and sorrow. You wish and wish that bad things would stop happening, but you look back at them and you are thankful for them. It is how we grow. We make our worst decisions and learn the best lessons from them. If I could go back in time to my younger self, this is what I would want to tell her. 

1. You are stronger than you think
2. Mistakes teach you important lessons. Every time you make one, you are one step closer to your goal. 
3. There is nothing hold you back but YOU. 
4. You can press forward long after you can’t.  It’s a matter of wanting it bad enough.
5. No matter how much progress you make there will always be the people who insist that whatever you’re trying to do is impossible.
6. You are limited only by your own imagination. Let it fly.
7. Perception is reality.
8. Your instincts can be trusted.
9. There is only one question to ask yourself: “What would you do if you were not afraid?”
10. It’s often hard to tell just how close you are to success.
11. The only mistake that can truly hurt you is choosing to do nothing simply because you’re too scared to make a mistake.
12. Never let success get to your head, and never let failure get to your heart.
13. You have to fight through some bad days to earn the best days of your life.
14. Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it.
15. Do what you love, not what you think you’re supposed to do.
16. Laughter is the best medicine for stress.  Laugh at yourself often.
17. If you want to feel rich, just count all the great things you have that money can’t buy.
18. Forgiving yourself is far more important than getting others to forgive you.
19. If you awake every morning with the thought that something wonderful will happen in your life today, you’ll often find that you’re right.
20. Be nice to yourself.
21. For the most part, it doesn’t matter what people think.  Follow your own truth.
22. No education is wasted. Drink in as many new experiences as you can.
23. Making one person smile can change the world.
24. Don’t forget to enjoy your journey!
25. You never know how strong you really are until being strong is the only choice you have.
26. Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.
27. You cannot change what you refuse to confront.
28. Crying doesn’t indicate that you’re weak.  It doesn’t always solve your problems either.
29. No matter how many mistakes you make or how slow you progress, you are still way ahead of everyone who isn’t trying.
30. Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning to dance in the rain.
31. You can learn great things from your mistakes when you aren’t busy denying them.
32. Give up worrying about what others think of you.
33. When you stop chasing the wrong things you give the right things a chance to catch you.
34. You have to accept that some things will never be yours, and learn to appreciate the things that are only yours.
35. As Henry Ford put it, “Whether you think you can or you think you can’t, you are right.”
36. Don’t be afraid to move out of your comfort zone.  Some of your best life experiences and opportunities will transpire only after you dare to lose.
37. Giving up doesn’t always mean you’re weak, sometimes it means you are strong enough and smart enough to let go.
38. You’ll rarely be 100% sure it will work.  But you can always be 100% sure doing nothing won’t work.
39. Don’t dwell on the past or worry about the future for too long.  Right now is life.  Live it.
40. No matter how cautiously you choose your words, someone will always twist them around and misinterpret what you say.  Just say what you need to say.
41. Not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of good luck.
42. If you are passionate about something, pursue it, no matter what anyone else thinks.  That’s how dreams are achieved.
43. If you keep doing what you’re doing, you’ll keep getting what you’re getting.
44. What lies before us and behind us are tiny matters when compared to what lies within us.
45. Don’t pray when it rains if you don’t pray when the sun shines.
46. It’s not about getting a chance, it’s about taking a chance.
47. If it were easy everyone would do it.
48. Be vulnerable.
49. A problem is a chance for you to learn.
50. Regardless of the situation, life goes on.

Deployment: A time to be selfless...

Sometimes people use deployed spouses as a "get out of jail free card". They think that just because they have a spouse deployed that they can act selfish and crabby. They feel like the world owes them and that life is out to get them. Why? All because their husband/wife is deployed. 

I am not referring to one person. I wrote that because as soon as deployment hit me, I started having those tenancies. I would go off on Robert for no reason and just tell him that I was going through a lot and he should give me some space. In retro spec, he was going through the same thing and worse... I was horrified at my behavior when I regain my senses and got my head back on straight. I realized that I was WAY wrong and I deeply apologized for it. Even though he said it was okay, it was not okay to me. When it mattered most, I was not showing him that I could remain strong and that I had a good head on my shoulders. He needs to have confidence in me and yet, I was in the "woe is me" attitude.

I had chosen not to move home because Rob wanted me to stay here. He didn't want to lose our post housing and I did not want to stress about finding a house and moving back when he was on his way home. We did sit down and talk about and made the decision. I did, though, go back and forth after I made the decision. Whenever something went wrong, I decided that I was going to go home. Every time we had a fight, I was going to go home. I did not want to stay here because it scared the heck out of me. I wanted to move home near my mom because that was what was comfortable for me. I decided that moving there and then moving back and then moving to another post was going to be too much for the kids and me. 

I finally made up my mind. I was staying here and that was final. So, once I made that decision, I had to figure out ways to occupy my mind and time. I could get a job, but after I figured it all, it wouldn't be worth it. The money that I would earn would only cover child care and I did not want to leave my kids with someone day in and day out. I would miss them too much. I've been a stay at home mom since 2009 (I know- two years is not a long time), but I seriously do not know if I could leave them constantly. I love my boys. 

So, the job was out. I figured out that I need to find something that I could do and the boys could come with me. I decided that instead of focusing on myself, one way to keep that in perspective, I was going to volunteer. I decided that I was going to have depressing moments where I just want to wallow in self pity at the situation. I do not want to do that. I've gotten past that part and do not want to go back. So, volunteering would keep my mind off of myself and Rob's absence and it would help pass time. If I dive myself into volunteering, I will be so focused on others and helping them. My focus would not be on me, but it would be helping others who are in worse situations than I am in. 

I have interviewed at the Red Cross and start orientation tomorrow. I am awaiting a couple of other places to get back to me about volunteering with them. I advise those who have deploying spouses to give some of your time back to the community. It will help pass the time, you will be happy knowing that you are making a difference and you are helping people. It will help keep the focus off yourself and turn the focus onto others. I haven't even started at the Red Cross, but I am soo pumped. I am not dreading the deployment as bad. 

I am now 100% sure that I was supposed to stay here in El Paso for the deployment. I was not supposed to go home because if I did, I would not have this doors being opened. I am so grateful for them and I am so excited to be able to help. I plan on doing some type of volunteering every day. Do I care that I am not getting paid for it? No way. Why? Because, I love to help others and I want to know that if I need help, there will be a volunteer that is willing to help me. 

Just think about. What would you want to do with your time during deployment?

Project: Cooking

I have recently rewatched a favorite movie of mine, Julie & Julia. It got me thinking. Rob deploys for one year and I can cook through one year of recipes. I love cooking, yet I stay to the same recipes because I do not want to risk cooking something that I may not like. I feel like it is a waste of time. 

 But, if I were to hone in on my cooking skills while he is deployed, only Bobby and I would be eating it and Bobby eats anything. Plus, when Rob does return from deployment, I will have a wealth of new recipes for him to try and he won't have to suffer through the bad ones. He will only get to taste the good ones. 

I think that it will be a fun project for me to do while Rob is deployed. I think that maybe it will keep my mind off of everything and I will look forward to dinner every night (well, maybe). I just hope that I can find a cook book from someone I love. I actually think that I have a Rachel Ray cook book that has 365 recipes in it. Rachel Ray is always a safe bet because she is one of my favorite cooks. I am so excited. The only problem is that the recipes that deal with seafood will be skipped. Neither Rob and I are fond of seafood. There is no point in cooking that if neither one of us are going to eat it. I can blog about it too here. 

This all sounds very fun. From what I hear, the key is to keep yourself busy and to set a good routine. That would be a great routine. I have a meeting tomorrow to see if I can volunteer for the Red Cross here on post and then come home and cook a wonderful/new recipe. Sounds like a great routine for me. I am trying to keep myself as busy as I possibly can and I think that this will help. 

I cannot wait for Robert to get home so I can tell him my plan. All these ideas are coming to my head. I just hope that he agrees to let me do it. It should be very exciting. He probably will just because he loves when I cook and he will benefit greatly from it. So, I guess I shall sign off and start planning it because I have to start it in a few days. :) 

As bad as this sounds, this also gives me something to look forward to. I mean, I am able to have something that will be exciting when he leaves. :) So, let's get started cooking. Hope everyone is ready for this journey, because I know that I am. :) 

Mission: Impossible

The impossible has happened. I am officially in the Christmas spirit. I thought that I would just have to hope and pray that I would get into the spirit and maybe, just maybe, I would be after he left. I have reached the Christmas spirit today!! 

It all started when we got our Heroes at Home gift card from Sears. Every year, they give out gift cards to a select group of military families to help with Christmas. It is like Black Friday shopping when the registration opens up for the program. The website will crash from the number of people that are trying to apply. We applied and were accepted. We recently got ours yesterday. 

I had done the majority of our Christmas shopping on Black Friday because all the things I wanted for the boys were on sale and I was so excited. I saved a lot of money from that and the boys were going to be spoiled. Usually, we get the boys one big gift and some little gifts for their birthdays and for Christmas. This year, Robert and I decided that we would set aside that rule, considering he would be deploying right before Christmas. We had decided to set aside money from each paycheck so that we could do what we wanted to do for the boys. 

We ended up celebrating Christmas with his parents while we were up there. I bawled all the way home because it didn't feel like Christmas and I was afraid that I would feel like that on Christmas day. I have been trying so hard to keep an upbeat outlook on this whole deployment process and it seemed that my hard work was not paying off. To make matters worse, I looked at the calendar yesterday and realized how scary soon Rob was deploying. I felt that no matter how hard I tried, I would be Scrooge for Christmas. I do a good job playing off that I am completely fine and everything is just perfect. Deep down inside, I am hurting and just want to scream. I figured that Christmas would be like that. I didn't want to listen to Christmas music either (and I LOVE Christmas music).

We got our Sears gift card and Rob and I sat down to talk about how we would spend it. We could get the boys more presents, or get each other something little. I mentioned that I wish we could decorate for Christmas and before I knew it, Rob had a Christmas tree picked out and ready for pick up. I grew very excited. I felt like a kid in a candy store. You see, we've been married for three years and never decorated for Christmas. Our first Christmas together, we couldn't afford to decorate or buy a Christmas tree. Our second Christmas was the same way. We had just had Bobby six months prior to that and we were strapped for money as is. We could not afford to buy a Christmas tree and decorations. Last Christmas, we were stationed here and went home for Christmas. There was no point in decorating since I was gone for about three weeks and Rob didn't want to decorate by himself. This year, we could afford it  but thanks to Sears, we were able to get a nice tree and not have to spend a lot out of pocket. We also got some decorations.

Rob is taking me out tomorrow to finish up the rest of our shopping and then home to wrap presents and set up the tree and everything. I am so excited for Christmas. I cannot wait to decorate my own tree for the first time EVER and I am even more excited to start my own traditions for the boys. I have so many plans for Christmas day and I am so excited to spend that day with our boys. Rob will be in our thoughts and def in our prayers as he will probably be traveling or just arriving come Christmas day. It's going to be a bittersweet day, but I am soo thankful that I am finally in the spirit of the holidays. I am so relieved that I haven't lost the spirit of the holidays and now that I am excited, Bobby is even more excited. He is itching to get into presents and see what he got. 

So, mission impossible is a success. This grouchy army wife is finally in the spirit of Christmas and is going to enjoy every second. I know that I will be sad on that, who wouldn't be, but I know that Rob would want me happy and he would want me to enjoy the day. So, that is what I shall do. I am so thankful for his service and incredibly proud of him. <3 I love him more and more every day.