Still alive

Well, we've almost made it through our first week of deployment. The house is still standing, I am still alive and sane!!! I call that an accomplishment!!! Do not get me wrong, this is really hard. It is harder than anything I've ever imagined. I love him so much and he is my everything. The fact that I have to wake up every day without seeing him, go to bed without kissing him good-night is what makes this worse. I can handle everything else, I just out right miss him. 

Christmas was not as bad as I thought. I had a breakdown on Christmas Eve. I had to get home and be around my house because that was were he was. Everything smelled like him and I was happy to be "near" him. That lasted about 3-4 hours before I couldn't stand it anymore. I had re-clean the house so that I could move things that he put somewhere to another spot. I had to scrub the floors with my cleaner (we use different floor cleaner) because the house smelt like him. I had to cleanse my house of it all. I felt that it was a very unhealthy reaction, but as I found it, it was totally normal. I couldn't stop crying and just begging myself to wake up.  I kept hoping that it was just a very long and detailed nightmare and I need to wake up ASAP. 

I spent Christmas with my two closest friends. We actually ended up going to see a light show and then to the movies to see the new Chipmunks movie. I thought that because it didn't feel like Christmas, it wasn't Christmas. I think it was the most perfect way to spend Christmas all things considering. We had so much fun! It was a blast and I was thrilled to get out of the house and away from everything. I began to forget my horrible breakdown the day before. I started tearing up at the light show, because I felt that Rob should have been there. I began to be angry at the Army because how dare they deploy him soo soon before Christmas. I quickly reminded myself that he was going over there so that the unit over there could come home. 

I know that I've wrote about this in a previous post, but there is one thing that always gets me out of the pity-party mood that I get in because of this deployment. I shift the focus off myself and put it on others. I am angry because he left days before Christmas, well he did that so others could come home and be with their families. Little things like that, take my mindset off of me (where it doesn't need to be) and puts it on others. I know that a lot of my friend's husbands are deployed. I know a rough estimate on when the homecomings are. So, I know that Rob comes home after such and such number of homecomings. Those homecomings are a chance for me to be happy with other wives because their loved ones are coming home. I have a few friends who have husbands in the unit Rob is replacing. As jealous as I get,  I am beyond thrilled. I know that these ladies have done their share of this and have had their share of rough times. One girl I know, had her baby girl and then a lot of complications after the birth. They wouldn't let her husband come home, so she had to do a lot of that alone. She gets her husband back for good in a few weeks. How can I be upset or jealous? My time will come and when it comes, I will be beyond thrilled. I know that when my time comes, that means another unit will be deploying to replace Rob's unit. It's a bittersweet cycle. 

I know that as soon as I make it through the remaining days here in December, the deployment will start going by faster. I have a lot of plans and activities planned for 2012. Rob and I have talked it over and instead of doing resolutions, we are going to do couples resolutions. The way that it works, is that I will make up one thing I want to work on and one thing I want him to work on. He will then do the same for me. This way, we can keep each other in check and work on bettering ourselves as individuals and as a couple. We refuse to let this deployment ruin us. I was so scared that it would, because the night before he left, we got into a huge fight. After he left, I was dreading how things would be, yet after talking to him when he got over there, he was having the same thoughts. We decided here on out, that we would promise ourselves that we will not let the deployment get to us. We have been through a lot already and I am not ready to let a lousy deployment ruin all our hard work. 

I appreciate all of you who read this. You see my ups and downs and sometimes wonder what the heck was I thinking when I wrote that. Trust me, I think the same thing. I do appreciate everyone and I hope that as I continue to go through this, I can help someone. The point of my blogging is not to vent for the whole world to see. I want to be able to show people that they are not alone in this world. I want to show them that there are others who feel or think the same way. I know, during this deployment, I have often wondered to myself if I was handling this normally. I want people to realize that everyone is different when it comes to things like this, but we are all in this together (my favorite saying until high school musical stole it and ruined it). Please do not feel like you are alone. YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!! I promise you. 

Change

Well, it is two days before Christmas and we are almost through our first week of deployment. I sent my husband off earlier this week and let me just tell you, that was the hardest thing that I've ever done. I thought that I had prepared myself for this and I thought that I had myself all strong and ready for it. Boy, was I wrong.

When the day had started at 7 am, I was optimistic, hyper and making sure that everyone around me was smiling. I felt that I needed to make sure that people were not too sad and that they would be able to enjoy their last few hours with their spouses and loved ones. I felt the need to do silly things and crack jokes just to keep up the spirits. My good friend Lyessa was having a hard time first thing that morning, so what did I do? I went and party-boyed  her so that she would laugh. For some odd reason, I always feel the need to be the goof-ball during depressing situations, such as the deployment earlier this week.

I was a tad bit emotional on and off through out the day. Whenever I felt myself cry, I felt the need to stop it and move on. I refused to allow myself to cry because I wanted to show Robert that I was indeed ready for this and I was indeed ready to take everything on. I just needed to keep focusing on my boys and my husband and my friends. Rob being the goofy guy that he is, constantly was lifting me up and picking me up and saying silly things that would keep me laughing when we went into the gym for family time. I felt that he needed to see my smile and as hard as I tried to, it was hard. I knew that he wanted to remember me smiling more than crying, but it was slowly sinking in. It was slowly sinking in that I was losing my best friend and soul mate for a year. Slowly sinking in that my boys were spending a year without the man that they looked up to. Bobby adores Rob and was his little shadow. People say that he is too young to notice anything, that is totally false. He knows that daddy is gone, he misses daddy and wants him back. He doesn't understand where daddy went or why he is gone, but he knows that he is. I just can't imagine what is going on in his little head.

I thought that they would give us a 15 minute warning, but no warning. Before we knew it, they were doing final role call. The time that I've been dreading for the past year had just now come. It was a blur because everything kept happening so fast. All I truly remember is that I kept holding his face and kissing him as hard and long as I could. I felt that the more I kissed him and the longer I kissed him, somehow it would make things better. I was not ready for this. I had just spent a year preparing for this and I was just not ready. Who can ever be ready? I know I can't. I know that there is no way on earth that I would ever be ready to send Rob off for a year.  I kept telling him that I was going to wait for him and that if anything happened to him, that I would never love anyone like I loved him. It is true.

Robert and I have our share of hard times. Actually, we've had more than our share, but we've always survived. He knows what to say to make me laugh, to make cry, to make mad and to make me just out right smile. He may not be the perfect guy, but who is? I am more romantic than him and wish he would be more romantic. Yet, that doesn't seem to matter. NOTHING seems to matter. The fact that he leaves the toilet seat up or when he shaves his face, he never washes the sink out, or when he comes home, everything he wears is in a line leading to the bathroom, all those things, do not matter to me. I miss those things. I miss everything that I used to be so frustrated with.  Funny how that all works.

I can now start counting down to when he comes back. I am a tad bit jealous seeing all the husbands that are returning soon, but I am grateful that those families get their loved ones back. It is because of our guys who deployed and are deploying, that they get to come back. It's a bittersweet cycle, but even though it makes me jealous, I am comforted knowing that families will be reunited. I keep trying to hold onto that thought as I get depressed, angry and all the other emotions that come from deployment.

This is all so real to me. As I get about five minutes to talk to him once in a while, my world seems to stop and everything just focuses on him. It doesn't matter what is going on around me, nothing is as more important than to talk to him. I am hoping that we can video chat soon and I can see him and so can the boys. I am hoping that maybe for Christmas, I can see them. So, what do I want for christmas? A video chat with my husband. That is all I really want from the world this year. I just want this to be over with. I want him back in my arms, safe and sound. It seems like every day that I go, I get more and more pessimistic about this deployment. Every time I look at his picture, I realize that I have so long until I see him again. I have such a long time before he is back here safe and sound.  I have a freaking long time until we are a family again.

Tired of Waiting

I literally just want to tear my hair out. I've known for over a year that he was deploying and now that we are right around the corner, I just want to pull my hair out. I am so tired of preparing and waiting for him to leave. It is pretty much torture. I just want it to happen already. I want it to start and to be over with. 

We got here at Bliss last October. As soon as we got here at Bliss, there was a 50/50 chance of him deploying. He was playing limbo between two units. If he was attached to one unit, he would have deployed right away. Thankfully, he was attached to the unit we are with now and we were given a year to prepare. Please do not get me wrong, I am so thankful that I had that year to prepare. I know that most people have way less than that. I am not complaining at all. 

With us having a year to prepare, I feel like I've been waiting for him to deploy for almost forever. It is torture. I feel like it's time to start it and get it over with. I just want him back. I've spent the last year dreading this deployment. I am beyond ready to look forward towards something happy. I am beyond ready to be able to count down till he is back in my arms. I hate that I've been dreading him leaving and I just want to be able to start looking forward to something. 

I am scared to death of this deployment. I feel ready (since I've had so long to prepare), but as it grows closer, I feel soo lost. I feel like I've lost all control of every emotion that I've been able to control. I feel like my world is falling down. Robert is my best friend and my rock. I am so scared to deal with things without him. I am scared of raising the boys without him. I am scared for him to be away from us for so long. I am just plain scared. I cannot seem to get a grasp on reality as of lately. Yet, I am functioning and going on about my buisness.

I want to scream and cry and throw a fit. I want to run home and just be with my mom. I want her to make everything better. She always knows just the right thing to say and I'm losing one of my rocks for a year and my other one is 1800 miles away. I want to just give up and crawl in a hole. Yet, I cannot do any of that. I need to be here. It is my turn to be an adult and to prove to everyone, including myself, that I can do this. IF I can do this, I can do anything. I often question to myself if this deployment would be easier without kids. Yet, I think it would be twice as worst. I cannot imagine my life without these boys. They are the lights in my dark world. They are what gets me up in the morning, they are the ones that make me laugh when I am sad, smile when I am crying and just plain thank God for blessing me with them. 

50 things I wish I had known earlier

Growing up involves a lot of lessons learned. You learn them through a lot of heartache and sorrow. You wish and wish that bad things would stop happening, but you look back at them and you are thankful for them. It is how we grow. We make our worst decisions and learn the best lessons from them. If I could go back in time to my younger self, this is what I would want to tell her. 

1. You are stronger than you think
2. Mistakes teach you important lessons. Every time you make one, you are one step closer to your goal. 
3. There is nothing hold you back but YOU. 
4. You can press forward long after you can’t.  It’s a matter of wanting it bad enough.
5. No matter how much progress you make there will always be the people who insist that whatever you’re trying to do is impossible.
6. You are limited only by your own imagination. Let it fly.
7. Perception is reality.
8. Your instincts can be trusted.
9. There is only one question to ask yourself: “What would you do if you were not afraid?”
10. It’s often hard to tell just how close you are to success.
11. The only mistake that can truly hurt you is choosing to do nothing simply because you’re too scared to make a mistake.
12. Never let success get to your head, and never let failure get to your heart.
13. You have to fight through some bad days to earn the best days of your life.
14. Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it.
15. Do what you love, not what you think you’re supposed to do.
16. Laughter is the best medicine for stress.  Laugh at yourself often.
17. If you want to feel rich, just count all the great things you have that money can’t buy.
18. Forgiving yourself is far more important than getting others to forgive you.
19. If you awake every morning with the thought that something wonderful will happen in your life today, you’ll often find that you’re right.
20. Be nice to yourself.
21. For the most part, it doesn’t matter what people think.  Follow your own truth.
22. No education is wasted. Drink in as many new experiences as you can.
23. Making one person smile can change the world.
24. Don’t forget to enjoy your journey!
25. You never know how strong you really are until being strong is the only choice you have.
26. Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.
27. You cannot change what you refuse to confront.
28. Crying doesn’t indicate that you’re weak.  It doesn’t always solve your problems either.
29. No matter how many mistakes you make or how slow you progress, you are still way ahead of everyone who isn’t trying.
30. Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning to dance in the rain.
31. You can learn great things from your mistakes when you aren’t busy denying them.
32. Give up worrying about what others think of you.
33. When you stop chasing the wrong things you give the right things a chance to catch you.
34. You have to accept that some things will never be yours, and learn to appreciate the things that are only yours.
35. As Henry Ford put it, “Whether you think you can or you think you can’t, you are right.”
36. Don’t be afraid to move out of your comfort zone.  Some of your best life experiences and opportunities will transpire only after you dare to lose.
37. Giving up doesn’t always mean you’re weak, sometimes it means you are strong enough and smart enough to let go.
38. You’ll rarely be 100% sure it will work.  But you can always be 100% sure doing nothing won’t work.
39. Don’t dwell on the past or worry about the future for too long.  Right now is life.  Live it.
40. No matter how cautiously you choose your words, someone will always twist them around and misinterpret what you say.  Just say what you need to say.
41. Not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of good luck.
42. If you are passionate about something, pursue it, no matter what anyone else thinks.  That’s how dreams are achieved.
43. If you keep doing what you’re doing, you’ll keep getting what you’re getting.
44. What lies before us and behind us are tiny matters when compared to what lies within us.
45. Don’t pray when it rains if you don’t pray when the sun shines.
46. It’s not about getting a chance, it’s about taking a chance.
47. If it were easy everyone would do it.
48. Be vulnerable.
49. A problem is a chance for you to learn.
50. Regardless of the situation, life goes on.

Deployment: A time to be selfless...

Sometimes people use deployed spouses as a "get out of jail free card". They think that just because they have a spouse deployed that they can act selfish and crabby. They feel like the world owes them and that life is out to get them. Why? All because their husband/wife is deployed. 

I am not referring to one person. I wrote that because as soon as deployment hit me, I started having those tenancies. I would go off on Robert for no reason and just tell him that I was going through a lot and he should give me some space. In retro spec, he was going through the same thing and worse... I was horrified at my behavior when I regain my senses and got my head back on straight. I realized that I was WAY wrong and I deeply apologized for it. Even though he said it was okay, it was not okay to me. When it mattered most, I was not showing him that I could remain strong and that I had a good head on my shoulders. He needs to have confidence in me and yet, I was in the "woe is me" attitude.

I had chosen not to move home because Rob wanted me to stay here. He didn't want to lose our post housing and I did not want to stress about finding a house and moving back when he was on his way home. We did sit down and talk about and made the decision. I did, though, go back and forth after I made the decision. Whenever something went wrong, I decided that I was going to go home. Every time we had a fight, I was going to go home. I did not want to stay here because it scared the heck out of me. I wanted to move home near my mom because that was what was comfortable for me. I decided that moving there and then moving back and then moving to another post was going to be too much for the kids and me. 

I finally made up my mind. I was staying here and that was final. So, once I made that decision, I had to figure out ways to occupy my mind and time. I could get a job, but after I figured it all, it wouldn't be worth it. The money that I would earn would only cover child care and I did not want to leave my kids with someone day in and day out. I would miss them too much. I've been a stay at home mom since 2009 (I know- two years is not a long time), but I seriously do not know if I could leave them constantly. I love my boys. 

So, the job was out. I figured out that I need to find something that I could do and the boys could come with me. I decided that instead of focusing on myself, one way to keep that in perspective, I was going to volunteer. I decided that I was going to have depressing moments where I just want to wallow in self pity at the situation. I do not want to do that. I've gotten past that part and do not want to go back. So, volunteering would keep my mind off of myself and Rob's absence and it would help pass time. If I dive myself into volunteering, I will be so focused on others and helping them. My focus would not be on me, but it would be helping others who are in worse situations than I am in. 

I have interviewed at the Red Cross and start orientation tomorrow. I am awaiting a couple of other places to get back to me about volunteering with them. I advise those who have deploying spouses to give some of your time back to the community. It will help pass the time, you will be happy knowing that you are making a difference and you are helping people. It will help keep the focus off yourself and turn the focus onto others. I haven't even started at the Red Cross, but I am soo pumped. I am not dreading the deployment as bad. 

I am now 100% sure that I was supposed to stay here in El Paso for the deployment. I was not supposed to go home because if I did, I would not have this doors being opened. I am so grateful for them and I am so excited to be able to help. I plan on doing some type of volunteering every day. Do I care that I am not getting paid for it? No way. Why? Because, I love to help others and I want to know that if I need help, there will be a volunteer that is willing to help me. 

Just think about. What would you want to do with your time during deployment?

Project: Cooking

I have recently rewatched a favorite movie of mine, Julie & Julia. It got me thinking. Rob deploys for one year and I can cook through one year of recipes. I love cooking, yet I stay to the same recipes because I do not want to risk cooking something that I may not like. I feel like it is a waste of time. 

 But, if I were to hone in on my cooking skills while he is deployed, only Bobby and I would be eating it and Bobby eats anything. Plus, when Rob does return from deployment, I will have a wealth of new recipes for him to try and he won't have to suffer through the bad ones. He will only get to taste the good ones. 

I think that it will be a fun project for me to do while Rob is deployed. I think that maybe it will keep my mind off of everything and I will look forward to dinner every night (well, maybe). I just hope that I can find a cook book from someone I love. I actually think that I have a Rachel Ray cook book that has 365 recipes in it. Rachel Ray is always a safe bet because she is one of my favorite cooks. I am so excited. The only problem is that the recipes that deal with seafood will be skipped. Neither Rob and I are fond of seafood. There is no point in cooking that if neither one of us are going to eat it. I can blog about it too here. 

This all sounds very fun. From what I hear, the key is to keep yourself busy and to set a good routine. That would be a great routine. I have a meeting tomorrow to see if I can volunteer for the Red Cross here on post and then come home and cook a wonderful/new recipe. Sounds like a great routine for me. I am trying to keep myself as busy as I possibly can and I think that this will help. 

I cannot wait for Robert to get home so I can tell him my plan. All these ideas are coming to my head. I just hope that he agrees to let me do it. It should be very exciting. He probably will just because he loves when I cook and he will benefit greatly from it. So, I guess I shall sign off and start planning it because I have to start it in a few days. :) 

As bad as this sounds, this also gives me something to look forward to. I mean, I am able to have something that will be exciting when he leaves. :) So, let's get started cooking. Hope everyone is ready for this journey, because I know that I am. :) 

Mission: Impossible

The impossible has happened. I am officially in the Christmas spirit. I thought that I would just have to hope and pray that I would get into the spirit and maybe, just maybe, I would be after he left. I have reached the Christmas spirit today!! 

It all started when we got our Heroes at Home gift card from Sears. Every year, they give out gift cards to a select group of military families to help with Christmas. It is like Black Friday shopping when the registration opens up for the program. The website will crash from the number of people that are trying to apply. We applied and were accepted. We recently got ours yesterday. 

I had done the majority of our Christmas shopping on Black Friday because all the things I wanted for the boys were on sale and I was so excited. I saved a lot of money from that and the boys were going to be spoiled. Usually, we get the boys one big gift and some little gifts for their birthdays and for Christmas. This year, Robert and I decided that we would set aside that rule, considering he would be deploying right before Christmas. We had decided to set aside money from each paycheck so that we could do what we wanted to do for the boys. 

We ended up celebrating Christmas with his parents while we were up there. I bawled all the way home because it didn't feel like Christmas and I was afraid that I would feel like that on Christmas day. I have been trying so hard to keep an upbeat outlook on this whole deployment process and it seemed that my hard work was not paying off. To make matters worse, I looked at the calendar yesterday and realized how scary soon Rob was deploying. I felt that no matter how hard I tried, I would be Scrooge for Christmas. I do a good job playing off that I am completely fine and everything is just perfect. Deep down inside, I am hurting and just want to scream. I figured that Christmas would be like that. I didn't want to listen to Christmas music either (and I LOVE Christmas music).

We got our Sears gift card and Rob and I sat down to talk about how we would spend it. We could get the boys more presents, or get each other something little. I mentioned that I wish we could decorate for Christmas and before I knew it, Rob had a Christmas tree picked out and ready for pick up. I grew very excited. I felt like a kid in a candy store. You see, we've been married for three years and never decorated for Christmas. Our first Christmas together, we couldn't afford to decorate or buy a Christmas tree. Our second Christmas was the same way. We had just had Bobby six months prior to that and we were strapped for money as is. We could not afford to buy a Christmas tree and decorations. Last Christmas, we were stationed here and went home for Christmas. There was no point in decorating since I was gone for about three weeks and Rob didn't want to decorate by himself. This year, we could afford it  but thanks to Sears, we were able to get a nice tree and not have to spend a lot out of pocket. We also got some decorations.

Rob is taking me out tomorrow to finish up the rest of our shopping and then home to wrap presents and set up the tree and everything. I am so excited for Christmas. I cannot wait to decorate my own tree for the first time EVER and I am even more excited to start my own traditions for the boys. I have so many plans for Christmas day and I am so excited to spend that day with our boys. Rob will be in our thoughts and def in our prayers as he will probably be traveling or just arriving come Christmas day. It's going to be a bittersweet day, but I am soo thankful that I am finally in the spirit of the holidays. I am so relieved that I haven't lost the spirit of the holidays and now that I am excited, Bobby is even more excited. He is itching to get into presents and see what he got. 

So, mission impossible is a success. This grouchy army wife is finally in the spirit of Christmas and is going to enjoy every second. I know that I will be sad on that, who wouldn't be, but I know that Rob would want me happy and he would want me to enjoy the day. So, that is what I shall do. I am so thankful for his service and incredibly proud of him. <3 I love him more and more every day. 

The Little Things

So, it will be the boys and me for Christmas. As sad as I am that Rob is missing out on Christmas and Jayden's first Christmas, I need to make this a special as I possibly can. I have been looking for ways to actually bring joy to that day. Christmas will be quite depressing this year but knowing that it will not be this way next year. 

Today, I went to WalMart and we were shopping. I have been talking to Rob about letting me get the four Christmas classic movies that I wanted. They were: The Grinch that Stole Christmas (the cartoon), Santa Claus comes to town, Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer, Frosty the Snow Man and Jack Frost. I found Jack Frost last night for $5. The remaining four were at Walmart for $10 each. Robert told me that $40 was a lot to spend and we needed to wait. I was sad, but I was okay with it. Anyways, I went to WalMart today and we were in line to check out when I saw it. Santa Claus coming to town, Rudolph and Frosty in a bundle for $20! Needless to say, Rob let me get it and I was so excited. Not only did it come with four extra little holiday movies, but it came with a $10 credit for a movie download site. So, I can download The Grinch and I will have all my movies. 

Robert could not understand why I was so happy. I suddenly envisioned Bobby, Jayden and I curled up on the coach with hot chocolate (for Bobby) and Chai Latte for me watching these movies in our jammies. I was so excited. I have this idea of our family mattress on the floor of our living room and all of us on it enjoying each other. 


I then realized, that Christmas was going to be hard for me. It was up to me to make Christmas extra special for the boys, specially Bobby. He will the be the one that has a hard time dealing with this all and it is my job and his mom and as a military wife, to make sure that he realizes that even though daddy is gone, things will go on. Christmas can be depressing if I focus on Rob's absence. If I focus on making my own traditions with the boys and making it very memorable,  I will be happy. It is not the big things that count, but it is the little things.


In my dad's small group that he teaches every Sunday morning, he has been using Crazy Love by Francis Chan. Chapter two was all about how distracted we are by everything and how we need to refocus our lives on what truly matters. My distractions have been making every moment count and making sure everything goes smoothly. I wanted to make sure that we did things as a family and I would get soo upset when they didn't go the way that I thought that they would. 


I finally had to set back and say to myself, okay, we are going to just enjoy this time as a family. Whether it be watching the Dallas Cowboys play or whether it was just watching a movie as a family, we would enjoy it. In that moment, I was at peace. In that exact moment, things fell together and we started having so much fun. The arguments went down to a minimal and Rob and I were both happier. 

Francis Chan writes this in his book, " Worry implies that we don't quite trust that God is big enough, powerful enough or loving enough to take care of what's happening in our lives. Stress says that the things we are involved in are important enough to merit our impatience, our lack of grace toward others, or our tight grip of control." 


Can you say WOW?!?!?!?! That just hits home and hits the ball out of the ball park. I have been so wrapped up in making sure things are perfect and that we do as much as we can as a family. Going to the splash park or park every Saturday was too much. Rob was working long days getting ready for leave and all he wanted to do was relax. I kept telling him that we were doing this and doing that. It wasn't until I stepped back and just let everything go. It wasn't until I relinquished all control and took a deep breath. In my search of living with no regrets, I was having a lot of regrets. I now have none. I know what I did wrong and I corrected it. 


We are enjoying our leave and enjoying the fact that we are together as a family. Isn't that all that should matter? Same with Christmas. We will be celebrating it without Rob this year, but that doesn't mean that we can't have the best Christmas ever. Just because Rob won't be here for it, doesn't mean that we shouldn't celebrate. Why? We celebrate Christmas because that was when Jesus came to the earth to save us. It is not about all the presents, dinners and other things that are now associated with Christmas. It is about the birth of our Savior. That is what Christmas is about. So, yes Rob will be gone, but Jesus isn't and He is the reason for the season. 


As the holidays approach, please give your kids an extra hug. Be kind to your spouses and please do not get wrapped up in the holiday doo-daah. It is about Jesus Christ. It is about his birth. So, please remember, Jesus Christ is still alive and so is Christmas. It's a time to celebrate His birth. I know my boys and I will be making a Cake and singing Happy Birthday to Him. 
 

Life bites

Today-this saying has rang so true. We are on leave. We left El Paso Saturday morning at midnight. We arrived in Virginia around 7 am Sunday Morning. Yes, we drove straight through-never again. We just wanted to get home and I was so excited to be finally be home.

Monday and Tuesday have been amazing. Rob and I refused to let anything come in our way of enjoying our leave and enjoying time as a family. We promised each other that there would be no regrets and we would love each like we have never loved each other. It's been perfect. It almost feels like we are dating again. He is opening doors for me, rubbing my back, holding my hand and we are just so happy together as a family. No stress from the Army, no stress at all. Just Rob, the boys and me. It's how it should be.

Well, today was good until I woke up and got a call. Got a call that delievered some bad news about his deployment. He is not leaving when we thought and I am just upset. I had just spent the past two months preparing myself for him to leave. I was ready. I was prepared. I was emotionally ready. All our paperwork was done, bags were packed and car parts replaced before we went on leave. It was all good. Now, it's changed. :( I am not prepared. I feel it's too soon. I do not know how exactly to prepare myself for this.

I had these plans and now, they have all changed. I mean, it doesn't really surprise me because it is the Army, it's what they do. Right? They change things around. Dates and times will constantly change until the plane is in the air. I shouldn't be soo freaking shocked like I am.

I cannot allow myself to ruin any more leave. I had today and have about one more hour left. After that, all deployment talk is to cease. No deployment talk, no Army talk, nothing. We hit a bump in the road today and I feel like it's been handled well. I didn't let it ruin all day today. I had my little upset moments, but nothing that would cause me to ruin the day. I have to remain positive. This is my last chance to make memories with Rob AND the kids for a whole year. This is my last chance to make sure that Robert has the relaxation that he needs before he goes to a stressful job overseas. I need to make sure that he leaves knowing that I have everything under control. I have to do this for not only myself, but for Robert and the boys.

So, as I type this, I am releasing whatever emotions that I have left. I am enjoying a cup of Chai latte and watching Law and Order: Criminal Intent. The boys are sleeping and Rob just laid down so he will be out shortly. As, I reflect on my life, I am so blessed to have an amazing husband, two amazing little boys and a wonderful house. I have amazing family and friends. What more could a girl ask for?

Big girls don't cry?

There is a popular song (one of my favorites) that is titled, "Big Girls Don't Cry". That was my motto in life. Nothing could get me down and I had to be strong 24/7. When I heard that Rob was deploying, I vowed to myself that I would not be upset and crying all the time.

I hate crying. I always saw it as a weakness. Why cry? It shows people that are you vulnerable and that you do not have it all together. I hated showing it to anyone, including Rob, especially Rob. I want him to leave knowing that I have everything under control and that I am put together.

I got his orders a couple of weeks ago and no tears. I was surprised. I thought for sure that as soon as I got those, I was going to bawl my eyes out. Yet, no tears came. Nothing. I thought, hmm...maybe I was handling this much better than I thought I would. I surprised myself and I knew that I could do it. No big deal. He will be leaving for a year and then we will be back together until he deploys again. No big deal right?

Tonight, for some reason, I could no longer hold the tears back. I could not keep them in and I could not stop them. I tried to play it off like I was okay and nothing was wrong. I knew he was so proud of me and how I was handling this whole thing. I did not want to let him down. Tonight, I could not stop crying. I kept telling myself that I was okay and nothing was going to happen. I kept blinking my eyes and trying to think of happy thoughts.

To my surprise, Rob just held me. He just held me and told me everything was going to be okay. Nothing bad was going to happen and more importantly, our marriage was going to make it through this. I kept apologizing for crying and getting mascara and eyeliner all over his shoulder and chest. I kept apologizing for keeping him up (he was settling down to go to sleep). He just held me tight and stroked my hair. I tried to pull away and he refused to let go.

I kept saying that I should not be crying and I needed to be strong for him. He looked at me and said, "Babe, big girls do cry". It is so true. We all need to cry some time in our lives. We can cry in the corners away from everyone, but it does not cut it. We, as humans, require the comfort of another human being when we are upset. Bobby always comes straight to me when he is scared, hurt or just wants to be kissed and love. We desire that affection. We need that affection. Yet, society tells us that we need to hide our emotions and put on a mask to show that we are all okay. We are all normal and that nothing is wrong.

Tears are normal. They are there when we are happy, sad, in pain, angry, guilty etc. Any type of emotion that you feel, you can have tears. I cried when I said good-bye to Robert when he left for BCT and I cried when I saw him at graduation. I will cry when I see him off and I will cry when he comes home. Crying is a part of our lives and we need to do it every once in a while. Crying releases all penned-up emotions. After I ran out of tears and Robert had me laughing (he is very good at that), I felt at peace. I felt good about everything.

What is really amazing, this whole time, I have been holding back my tears because I did not want Robert to think I was weak. I acted like everything was fine and it did not bother me. I was going to stay strong for him. I was perfectly fine with him deploying. Yet, after tonight, Robert told me he was glad I cried. He was glad I finally released all my emotions. It showed him that I was really going to miss him. This whole time, I had been hiding emotions because I thought it was what he needed. When in reality, he needed to see my emotions. He needed to know that I love him so much and I will miss him something awful. What I thought was best for him, was not what was best for either of us.

So, all in all, big girls DO cry. They cry when they are happy, sad and whatever else they are feeling. They are normal. That is probably the only "normal" thing about me. This deployment is going to teach Robert and I a lot about each other and about ourselves. I am a big girl, I wear big girl panties, but I do cry.

Pretest-PASS

So,  I have been worried how I will handle things when Rob deploys. I will totally in charge of everything while he is gone. As I mentioned in a previous post, I am a high stress person. I stress out easily whenever I feel like I am overwhelmed.

Yesterday, I had a pretest. I say it is a pretest because it is not the deployment, it was during the field, but it was a test. So, the bed and breakfast that we reserved a room for our get away withdrew the deposit. I was horrified. The owner had told me that he wouldn't and yet a month after I made the reservation, they took out the depsosit. I quickly had a moment of panic because that left us with hardly any money and we had a bill due on Friday. I called Robert immediately and told him not to buy ANYTHING. I then had to explain to him what happened. He freaked out and I calmly reassured him that I had everything under control.

I called the owner and I asked him what happened. He was horrified and quickly corrected the mistake. What had happened that an employee saw that we had not paid a deposit and they went ahead and took it. I called USAA and asked how long it would take. To my horror, they told me that it would not be in our account until Monday. I just want to cry. I cannot believe this was happening to me. I am sick as can and yet, I am trying to fix this.

My mind is racing and I am trying to figure out how to work this. We have USAA but they have no ATMs here so depositing money results in going to Walmart and using Western Union. Our WalMarts are suicide to go to. I called Direct Tv and removed us from the recurring debit payment. That way I can just send them the cash and they wouldn't withdraw it from our account.

I call USAA back again and the second person told me that the owner of the bed and breakfast could call and cancel it and the money would be immediately refunded. Easy right?? NO!!!!!!! He gave me instructions to give to the owner and the owner called back and said that it didn't work. So, I called USAA and they told me to try  to get him on a 3 way call. Okay, not hard. Yea, USAA hung up.... ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME????? So, I call again and this time a LADY answered the phone. I proceeded to tell her the situation and our previous failed attempts. She then informs me that he can call them and call them directly via their extension number. WHAT???? NOW YOU TELL ME???? So, he calls and does give them what they needed. By the way, he is being awesome about this. I kept apologizing for constantly calling him, and he kept telling me not to because it was mistake on his part and he will jump through hoops to get our money back. So, he calls me and says that it's done and I should get my money back.

I thank him over and over and went to check out account. Money was not there. I called USAA after 20 mins and asked what the hold up was. The guy who I spoke with looked into and found that the guy who canceled it, removed it off one system but not the other one. So, he proceeded to remove it and BAM, it's back. It took about 2 hours to do all that. I called Direct Tv and they put us back on the recurring debit payment and it's like that never happened. By the time Rob called me after the gym (he's in the field), I was able to tell  him the good news.

So, take that anxiety about deployment. If I can handle that fast and effectively and without flipping out, I can do it for deployment. :) I was so relieved that I fixed it all by myself!! Then today, Bobby pours milk over my Iphone. MY IPHONE!!!! It worked just fine but the phone kept thinking that I had headphones in. After speaking with my friends, I reset my phone and BAM-it worked just fine.

If this field training exercise did not bump my confidence up a little about deployment, I do not know what will. I am so relieved that it is over and I am so glad that I was able to prove to Robert and myself that I am capable of handling stressful situations calmly and rationally.

So, you do not know how strong you are until you HAVE to be. I just proved it... Now, if I can just beat this flu bug before tomorrow, I will be on cloud 9 :)

No regrets

All the advice people that give me about deployment is all about regret. Regretting that they spent a lot of time being depressed about the deployment, regretting the arguments and the silly fights that were started over nothing. Spending the whole year wishing they had spent those last months a little different. Regret. It is a powerful wound.

Robert and I have decided that for the rest of October and all of Novemeber and December (up till the day he leaves), we will have live our lives with no regret. No silly arguments, no spending time moping around, not getting stressed out over everything. We have promised each other that we will spend all the time we have in a great spirits, having fun, enjoying life, making memories and just going along with life.

It is totally easier said than done. The Army life is just one being stress headache. You wake up and there are days that you are stressed from the moment you wake up, until the moment you go to sleep. You even stress in your dreams about things. It is really bad for me, because I stress out over everything and I stress bad. If the time he was going to be released was changed by an hour, I can fly off the handle and just break down. My life was consumed in stress and depression. I wanted to get out of that and wanted to be happy again. My husband kept asking me how he can make me happy again. The only thing is, he could not make me happy. Nothing made me happy because I just assumed that once I was happy, I would be sad again.

I went to my doctor a while back and she was worthless. She pretty much walked in, asked what she could do for me. I told her that I needed help with stress management and depression. What did she do? She did not ask any questions and prescribed me Prenatal viatmins and Celxia(sp?). I took the medicine and within an hour of it, I had a horrible reaction to it. Instead of helping my anxiety, it took it and multiplied it by 100x. I literally become the Green Hulk. It was bad.

I decided to try natural remedies and vitamins. They just made me sleepy. I was literally crying every night, because I just wanted to feel normal again. I kept telling my husband that I wanted to be the wife he married and I did not know how to. I went to counseling and that was no good. One counselor told me it was normal and it was just because I was an army wife. The other one just listened to me and never spoke a word of advice or anything. I began to wonder if this is how life would be forever. I hated being stressed out and just angry all the time. I hated that I lashed out at Robert for things that were out of his control.

I feared that he would have to leave the Army because I could not handle this lifestyle. I detested that thought. I love being an Army wife. I love waking up and seeing the pride in his eyes. I remember when he would wake up and just have dread in his eyes as he got ready to go to work at his dead end job. I remember the pride in his eyes when I saw him graduate from BCT and AIT. This is where he belongs and it is where I belong. Why is it so hard for me to do something that I want to do?

I finally saw another doctor and after asking me a series of questions, she determined that there was something wrong. She gave me a schedule to follow by. Walking an hour every single day, limit caffiene intake, prescribed me sleeping medication (since I have not been sleeping) and Prozaic. Ever since then, things have started returning to normal. I still stress out, but it is not as bad and I am over it quicker. Ever since I started the medicine, I have noticed our fights have been next to nothing, Robert is happier, the boys are happier and so I am. I am not throwing up due to stress, I am not getting angry over stupid things, I am able to handle things much better. More importantly, I have been able to enstill in my husband the confidence that I can hold everything together when he is gone. The true test is going to be field time. He is leaving for a week and field time is usually the worst for me. We shall see, I have high hopes.

We have now made a pact. We refuse to let anything come between us and our family. We promise that instead of yelling and getting mad, we will hug and compliment each other. We promise each other that when things get rough with his unit (every day occurence lately), that we will laugh it off and move on. I do not want to spend the deployment wishing I did not let the unit get in the way of us. I do not want to spend the deployment wishing that I was a better wife or wishing that I had handled things better.I do not want to spend all deployment wishing that I had not given him crap about crappy things in his unit or about his unit. I do not want to spend the whole deployment wondering if Robert was over there worrying about me and how I was handling things at home. I want him to leave with the upmost confidence in me.

I love my husband with all my heart and I will stop at nothing to make his last month here is not miserable. I refuse to start an argument because of work or because the kids are driving me nuts and he doesn't have the energy to help me out. Every day, minute, hour and second is precious to us. Why waste it over stupid stuff? It doesn't make sense to me. So, no regrets.

Adopted-Second Chance at life

A lot of people do not know this, but I am adopted. I was adopted at 17 months old. My biological parents were abusive and my older sister died of injuries that they caused. I was taken from that home and placed in another. 

I was then moved to another foster home and my foster parents ( my mom and dad) fought hard to keep me forever. My mom went to the governor to plead the case and they won after much fighting. People were fighting alongside my parents.  A reporter went to jail to protect his source and in the end protect me. I was finally adopted and became a Diggins. 

23 years later,I am married, have two amazing boys, I am living as an Army Wife and life is great. I couldn't ask for a better life. I am enrolled into school, and I have a bright future. My husband is the most amazing husband in the world. He truly is my best friend and my soul mate. 

There are times that I think to myself, what if I never got adopted. Where would I be, what would I be doing? I would have never been given the chance to go to Ridgeview Christian School, I would not have been brought up in a loving home with amazing sisters and parents. I would not have met my best friends that I have. I would have never met Robert nor would I have given birth to my two sweet little boys. 

It actually scares me to think of my life without being adopted. I have seen where I would have been living and now I just think about my life. Would I have been a teen mom? Would I been a high school drop out? Would I be addicted to drugs?  Questions like these run through my head. I am so grateful that I was given a second chance at life. I was given a second chance to live the life God wanted me to do :)


I have already told Robert, I want to adopt.I want to give another kid the chance I was given. I have also told him that when we do adopt, I want to adopt a child with special needs. Everyone needs to be given that second chance, specially children with special needs. They are not handicapped, they just need extra love, attention and a lot more patience. They are the most misunderstood people. They can do the same things we do, but they just do it differently. 


I want to adopt a baby with Downs. They are so special and they are the most misunderstood. They give people soo much joy and everything they do, they do it with a smile. It pains me to think of how many downs babies that have been aborted because the parents did not want the extra responsibility. They are not a burden, they are a blessing. 


I want to be given the great opportunity to be blessed with having a special needs child. I want the chance to make them realize that they are not the burden that society says they are. I want to make sure they know how special they truly are. God made everyone in HIS own image, this includes special needs. I believe that God put extra love into them. 

Bittersweet

Well, Robert told me last night to start mapping out our route to Virginia. He is going to start working on his leave packet for leave. I am super excited!!! I haven't seen my family since July and I am so excited to get away from the stress and all the annoyance that is here at Fort Bliss.

So, I start making the list of things that need to be done before leave. One of those things is to plan our route from El Paso to Verona. *Sigh* 1821.09 miles/27.9 hours of driving with two kids. Can you say that I am just soo excited to do it? I cannot wait!!! :)

I am so excited to finally get back home and relax. Robert and I have a 2 day get away that I have planned for us in Williamsburg. We are going to be staying at a Bed & Breakfast and go shopping and visit Ripley's Believe It or Not. :) Romantic dinner and walks along downtown Williamsburg. Did I mention that it will just be the two of us? Something that we have never done in our 3 years of marriage. We didn't even have a honeymoon. We got married and he went to work the next day. We've had Bobby and Jayden so we have never got to go away.

Anyways, back to my list. I was making a list of everything that needs to be done before we leave and I asked Rob what he needed done. He told me that he needs to assemble all his gear and pack his deployment bags. Talk about the joy kill. In all  my excitement, I totally forgot that as soon as he gets back, he will deploy. Jeez... MOOD KILL!!!

This trip is bittersweet. I am soo excited to get away from everything here and get back to see family. I am glad that I will spend Thanksgiving with Family and I get to see all my friends back home. Yet, it's sad because I will be returning from a fantastic vacation to send my husband away. *Sigh*. You know what that means? I just have to make sure that this vacation is the best EVER!! I have to make sure that Bobby has wonderful memories and I have wonderful memories. I will take lots of pictures and not take anything for granted. We are fastly approaching this deployment and the closer it is, the more I am determined to just make every single second count.

I refuse to dwell on the negative. I take this as, yeah he is leaving as soon as we get back, but I will just make it so much more worth it. I love my husband and I want him deploying with happy/fond memories that we made while on leave. Not just memories that him and I will make, but memories as a family. We are not just a married couple, we are a family. :) We have to make sure that our memories include our family because when it comes down to it, the one who will need those memories the most, is Bobby.

So, instead of focusing on deployment, I shall make it a point not to even bring it up. A rule that I will make is that while we are back in Virginia on leave, I will not bring up deployment unless it is necessary. Let's make this the best vacation EVER :)

Out of sight-out of mind

Have you ever heard of the expression, out of mind, out of sight? Well, aparently, that is my new line of thinking towards the deployment. I am not sure if it is heathly way of thinking.

Rob told me this morning that he was coming home with two bags of deployment gear and I interrupted him and said no you are not. I told him that that stuff will not be entering my home in any time and I am content to leave it in the car until he deploys. I know that I will not nor can he leave it in our car. It just made me feel comforted to say that.

I seem to think that if I do not see his gear or any orders, then the deployment will not happen and everything will be normal. It is a bad dream that I will wake up soon enough and laugh over. NEWS FLASH: IT IS NOT!!!! I totally thought that I was semi over with this preparation for deployment and yet, as soon as he as soon mentioned his gear coming home, I went back to my old way of thinking. Out of sight, out of mind. I am back to denying the fact that he is leaving and is leaving soon.

I hope that as soon as we get his orders, then it will be the last thing that I will have to deal with pre-deployment. He has off the next two days in addition to a four day. So, with that being said, we are going to knock out some of the not-so-fun pre-deployment stuff that needs to be done. I think we are going to be going up to JAG to get the power of attorney so that I have his power just in case I have to deal with something. I have a list of things that need to be done before deployment and I am pretty good with my to do lists. Except, the pre-deployment list doesn't seem to be getting done. I do not want to be doing things at the last minute and yet, I do not want to do it. I guess that I am  just assuming that it will be done magically and I won't have to do any of it. Here's to hoping.

I may be a horrible wife for saying this, but I am just ready for him to deploy. The emotions and all the prepartions are getting overwhelming. I just want it done and over with. I want to start moving on and I want all this crap to go away. I just want to have him gone soley so things can be established, routines made and life will go on. I love him to death and I do not want to him to deploy. Yet, for emotional purposes and for sanity, I just want all the pre-deployment crap to stop and to go away. Does that make sense at all?? Please do not think that I am waiting for my husband to leave and that as soon as he leaves, I am going to be a happy wife. THAT IS NOT THE CASE... I am preparing for the love of my life to leave and I love him with EVERY ounce of my being. I just want to be done with the ups and downs and want to accept the fact that he is gone and I can start looking forward to his homecoming. I want to stop dreading this. I want my countdowns to go towards something happy and not something sad. I want my countdowns to be how many days until I see him, not lose him. Does it make sense now?  SIGH!!!!


Out of sight, out of mind.

Different People

I do not understand why people often judge other people due to the way they handle things. Ever since around August/September, Rob's deployment has been really becoming very real to me. He should get his orders very soon and I've been emotional. I have been gathering stuff for his deployment and doing some projects for him when he deploys. Some of the projects are emotional for me to do and the fact that he is leaving is very sad for me.

I am the type of person that I will be at my worst right before he leaves. I prepare myself for it and then give me like 2 or 3 days after he leaves to mourn and I will be fine. That is how I am. I am fine once he leaves, but I am emotional right before he leaves. Rob is the type of person that the worst is right as he is leaving. So, it works for us. We are able to keep us strong. Right now, he is keeping us strong and keeping everything stronger. When he will need me, I will be there for him and I will be the one who is strong. Why is it wrong that the months before he leaves-I am allowing myself to prepare and allow myself to accept it.

I do want to feel unprepared and I don't want to be caught with my pants down. We will be given a date, but who knows, they may change it and he may leave sooner that expected. So, instead of having to prepare the last minute, I allow myself to feel everything beforehand. Why is that soo wrong?? I am a different person and the way that I handle my emotions may be different than the way that you do. It doesn't mean that I am a bad person.

I am not letting it affect my relationship with my husband. It is actually bringing us together. I am not spending each day dreading the deployment and I am not allowing it to stress me out. When I think about it and I start to cry, I just let myself. He holds me and tells me that everything will be okay. I feel better after I get it out and we move on with our day. We are enjoying the time that we have left and I am so thankful that I am able to do this. I cannot help that I handle things before something, it is who I am. I never thought it was a bad thing. I love my husband and he is greatful that I am doing it all beforehand. He knows that I won't breakdown after he leaves, and that I will be able to move on and do what I got to do. I love my husband for understanding me and understanding why I do the things I do.

Dear God

Dear God,

              First, can I just say that the person you handpicked for me to marry is the most amazing guy in the world. He is my best friend, he understands me and he loves me for me. We made a lot of mistakes in the beginning and for that, I do apologize. I wish that our relationship went a different way, I wish that our marriage was not a constant struggle because of mistakes we have made.  I know that You never give me/us more than we are capable of handling, but I just wish that we did not have to fight so hard for our marriage. I am glad that we are fighting. I am grateful for the strength that you give me every single day to keep going.

               I am grateful for the two wonderful boys that You allowed us to have. It's so hard to believe that something sooo pure and innocent and precious came out of two imperfect people. You knew exactly what I needed to keep me going through this crazy lifestyle that we have chosen. The lifestyle You directed us to. A lifestyle that has forever changed our lives and will continue to. I've been able to grow up and take responsibility.

               What I do not understand is how am I supposed to live without my soul mate for a year? My boys need their daddy. Bobby adores his daddy and it pains me to watch him go through what he has to go through at such a young age. No kid, no matter what age, should have to live without their daddy for periods of time, specially when their daddy is the world's greatest dad. Please place a father figure in his life in the absence of his father. Help him get through this. I know I will be fine, but I am not sure how Bobby will take it. Please be with him as he does not truly understand why daddy has to go away for such a long time. Please be with him and guide him as he ventures through the next year.

               Please be with my sweet baby Jay. He is going to have to hit milestones without his daddy. He will take his first steps, say his first words, eat by himself for the first time all without his daddy. Please help me help him to remember his daddy. I know that he won't be affected as bad as Bobby will, but he will be affected in a way I may not know. Jay is soo sweet and happy. Please let him be the sunlight in our lives.

                God, please be with my husband. I know it kills him to miss out on Jay too. He missed out on Bobby's first year and now will miss out on Jay. Please help him understand that he is not a bad father. He cannot help it. He has a duty-a calling to protect our nation. I know that if he had a choice, he would not miss any of this for the world. He always puts his family first and everthing that he does, he does for his family. He is an amazing father and husband. He is an amazing soldier. The pride in his eyes is what keeps me going when I can't go on. Please protect him as he prepares to leave over the next few months. Please place people in his life that will encourage and uplift him. Please be with him as he mentally and physically and emotionally prepare to leave everything he holds so dear to him behind.

                Please protect our marriage. We have fought so hard to make it these three years and we plan on to keep fighting the battle. I know people said that we would never last when we first got together and we have. Please guard our hearts, minds and souls. Please help us stay strong as parents and as a couple. It will not be easy, but we are willing to do whatever it takes to come out on top. We've been going against the odds since the beginning. It's been so hard for us, but we always seem to make it through. I love him with all my heart and he is my world. I know that he feels the same way. You knew from the beginning that we were perfect for each other and we are. I love my husband too much to let one year-52 weeks-365 days (however You want to say it) ruin three years of hard work. We have come too far to give up now. Please give us strength. Teach us to rely on each other from afar and help us support each other.

               You knew I would be a soldier's wife when I was born. I believe that. I believe that is why I am so stubborn, strong-willed and determined. I have to be to survive this crazy life. All the mistakes I made growing up has led to this point in my life. This is going to be a true test of my love for my husband, my dedication to him, my inner strenght, my faith, my stability and my ability to lead my family and be the rock of my family. Please guide me as I make decisions and as I prepare to raise two little boys on my own. Please give me the strenght to make it through each day. Please give me the determination not give up when I feel like it. Please place people in my life that keep me upbeat and positive. Please give me the strength to make it through this upcoming year . Please help me as I prepare my family for this big change. I know that it's going to be hard and I am going to want to give up and throw in the towel. Please give me the strong-willed personality I had as a teenager. Please guide me as I am going to be wearing both parenting hats. I am going to need all the help I can get. Please guard my heart and protect me.

             Please, please, please, protect my family.

Stage:Denial

We were on our way home from buying a dress for our formal next week, when it got brought up. Rob said that we should have some type of orders in about two weeks. He said that we will probably find out if his deployment is a 12 month or a 9 month. It's been a toss-up since the Army signed over to 9 month deployments. A friend of mine recently found out her husband's deployment was changed to a 9 month deployment. Please God, let ours be too.

Anyways, I realized that there are different types of stages of deployment. Right now, I think I fall into a denial stage. When he said he would get some types of order, I started crying and said you're not deploying. I do not want orders, I do not want this to happen. Somehow, in my mind, I can't bring myself to admit to myself that it is really happening. I just do not want to think about. I started out in the shocked stage. When I found out that he was deploying, I was so speechless that I didn't know what to say. Now, I am just not talking about it, thinking about it, pretending that it is soo far away when in fact it's creeping up on us. Freaking A!!!!

Why is it that I cannot admit to myself that my husband is deploying?? Why can't I accept it? I knew that he would have to deploy sooner or later when he signed up. I watched my sister go through two deployments and I saw how hard it was for her. Yet, it is my turn and I am in total denial. Is that normal? I have no idea what I am supposed to be feeling. I act like it's nothing. I act like, yeah it's a deployment, it's going to suck and it's going to be so hard. Yet, it is something that he has to do as a soldier and I have to go through as an army wife. I knew that this would happen and it is the Army. Why is so freakin hard for me to admit!?!?!?!

I wish they had a book for wives to read so that I can tell what I am supposed to be feeling, what is normal, what is not normal and all emotions that need to be felt. I need a Predeployment Emotions Guide for Dummies. Where is that book for all us wives who are getting ready to go through our first deployment? We need to be reassured that what we are feeling is normal. I hate that I just don't know what I am supposed to be feeling. This is a whole new thing for me and I do not know what to expect. I just wish that I did know. I hate not knowing!!! I guess that maybe I will just keep a log and then other wives can see what I am feeling and hopefully do not feel as lost as I do right now. :( Sucks so bad, but it could be worse, but it will get better. That is going to be my deployment quote. :) I love my husband and I proudly support him even when I am going through emotional hell, I will still stand by him proud and strong. At least, I hope I can, because that is what he needs.

Why all the negativity?

Completely curious....Why do some peopl just feel the need to be negative all the time about everything??

My husband is deploying before Christmas and I have a lot to be negative about. He has crappy schedules, has to go to the field for weeks, he is constantly in work mode, he will miss Jayden's first Christmas, he will miss Jayden's first birthday, he will miss our anniversary, bobby's 3rd birthday. He will miss Valentine's Day, Halloween (of next year), Thanksgiving (next year) and the list goes on. I refuse to be negative about any of it. I do not want to waste the time that I have left being negative about every situation that comes up. I refuse to spend my deployment regretting that I spent more time being positive about everything.

I have noticed that when I am positive, Rob is in a much better mood. For instance, he was gone for 15 days in the field. It was pretty crappy out there and he was in a bad mood. There were rumors that they were staying an extra week etc... When he told me (and he was bummed), I just told him that it is just 7 more days no big deal. We did 15, we can do 22 days. It is just deployment prep. It is training for not only him, but for me and the kids.

I just cannot be negative all the time, specially being an Army wife. If I were negative 24/7, then I would have no friends and no one would want to hang out with me because I was such a downer. There is ALWAYS a positive and a reason to be happy. Some days, that reason is when I look at my kids and they just smile right back at me for no reason. That right there melts my heart and just warms me all over.

Life is WAY to short to spend being pissed off at the world. You have to live life, embrace it. It may suck, things could be worse and they will get better. It may not be right away,  but they will eventually get better. They won't get better if you dwell on the negative all the time. Trust me, there are days when I just want to throw in the towel, but I keep going. I have to force myself to find good things about everything. It is not easy or fun. There are days that I just want to lay in bed and mope around. I can't. I have two kids who rely on me to feed them, play with them and take care of them.

Finding the good is sometimes hard, but usually in plain sight. For instance, CQ. CQ are 24 hour shifts where the soldier sits at a desk and pretty much keeps tabs on all soldiers and etc. It usually starts at 6 am and goes till 6 am the next morning. It sucks big time. Everyone updates facebook saying hubby is home, waiting for the hubby etc.... When Rob has CQ, I have to wait till the next morning. When we first got here, he had CQ all the time and I hated it. I dreaded it. Now, I actually love CQ and I love when he has it. Is that wrong of me to say? nope. Why? Because the soldiers who have CQ get the next day off. They werk for 24 hours and get 24 hrs off. So,  Rob will come home at like 6:15 or 6:30 and go to sleep. He will then wake up at like 10 am and we go out and enjoy having the day all to ourselves. Hence, why I love CQ. Rob had CQ and I was so excited. He called me and said that an hour into his shift-he got removed because Bravo took over. I was so sad because I was looking forward to spending the day with him the next day, but it is 4 day this week, so he only had to work 4 days this week. Next week-he only has to work three!!! See, it was bad that he didn't have CQ but the good was that it is a 4 day...

The good maybe just that simple as a 4 day. It is whatever keeps your mind off the bad. When I have a hard time finding good, I remind myself that I have no right to be mad at the world for something silly. A really good friend of mine just lost her little baby, found out she was pregnant, miscarried and her husband is deploying really soon (all in one month). I have absolutely no freaking right to be angry at the world. I can find something in my life that reminds me every day that I am totally blessed with the people I surround myself with.

My best friend is good at keeping me positive too. She knows exactly what to say, is always there for me and is just an inspiration of how to be positive. It takes extra effort in the morning to say-no matter what-I will be positive about everything. I do have to say, after starting it-I've been in a better mood which puts Rob in a better mood and makes our marriage better. All in all, it's a win win. :)

Sleep??

So, last night, Bobby seemed to have some odd fear of his room. He woke up screaming at like 1 am. I went to go check on him and he refused to get up. He was just laying there screaming. Finally after constantly asking him-he got up (it was about 5 mins). It was then another 10 mins before I could get him to come out of his room (still screaming). He finally came out and I changed his diaper and let him lay with us in our bed. As soon as I laid him down-he went right to sleep. I thought it was so cute and was sooo relieved that he finally laid down and went back to sleep. Yet, around 3 am, he was up again, this time, wide-awake. I just do not know what is wrong with him. I think he has a massive tummy ache. It was so sad.

So, tonight, I couldn't fall asleep. I knew that Rob has bag lay out the next morning. Bag layout is usually right before morning formation at 0900. So, I threw all his nasty acus in the washer right before I was going to call it a night (12:30 am). I planned on waking up when he did for PT and while he was at PT, I would dry his uniforms and fold them and pack them. I was going to have his bags ready, breakfast cooked and a hot shower all waiting for him when he got home from PT. I climbed into bed and asked what time bag layout was. He then informed me that bag check was at 5:30 am. ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?? SO, now I have wait long enough for the washer to wash his uniform and then I can switch them over to the dryer. Then when he wakes up, I will just tell him that his uniforms are in the dryer.

Yet, I am finding it really really hard to stay awake long enough to switch them over. I just want to know what sleep is. I have forgotten what it means. Rob just got back from being away for 15 days and the Saturday before he came back I woke up and then did not go to sleep until Tuesday (the day he got back). It seems like lately, I do not sleep and I just pull all-nighters. What is sleep? Someone please tell me, because I have seemed to forgotten what a good night sleep looks like. D

My question is actually more like, does anyone remember what a good night's sleep is? Facebook is alive during the wee hours in the morning and people who should be sleeping are awake. Wives who have husbands deployed that can't sleep or are waiting for phone calls, new parents awake with infants, people awake because they have a lot on their mind, students awake finishing homework or studying for exams. So, does anyone really know what sleep is? I think we have all forgotten and we do not get the sleep we need. Yet, we consume soo much caffiene that we cannot really survive without our caffiene. I know that if I do not have a soda first thing in the morning, my day goes by soo extremely slow and my head hurts and all I want is a soda. It's all I think about every day. I would say I may have a problem :)

Army+Formal=Hell on earth :)

Some things that I just do not understand are formals. My husband has his first formal September 9th and somehow, I just really really really do not want to go. If I could go as a fly on the wall, then by all means, I would. The thought of putting on a dress and walking into a room with a group of other women just scares the crap out of me.

I have never gone to an Army formal before, I mean, I have never even seen my husband wear his full Class A's. For Pete's sake, his class A's are naked (so to speak). They have no patches, no ribbons, no medals nothing. We have to put all those one and I am scared to death to help because of how anal they are about the placement of these things. I mean, if they are an inch or two off, he could get in trouble. Scary huh?? Not to mention the freakin price it will take to do it all. I was in Stripes the other day and there was a guy with his Class A jacket and he was getting his PV2 rank taken off, having a PFC rank put on and his 11th BDE patch sewn onto both sleeves. They charged him $45 dollars...WHAT THE HECK??? Gosh darn.

This formal seems to be more a pain in the butt then it should. I mean, come on. I have to go out, buy a dress, buy shoes and acessories, get Rob's Class A's done, get him a new beret, shave it, find someone to babysit the boys. NOT TO MENTION-Getting all dolled up (the worst part of it all). Why do they make these things sooo painful?? I couldn't wait to have our first formal. I dreamed about it and couldn't wait to see him all dressed up. When I found out we were actually having one, I remembered the one critical part....I HAVE TO DRESS UP... CRAP!!!! *sigh* this should be fun...

I will be spending Friday, Saturday, Sunday and Monday trying to get everything ready for the formal. I want to pull my teeth out. Even in all this, I am pretty excited though to see thehubby all dressed up. That is what is the most exciting part of it all. So, the next couple days leading up to the formal-may be hell....correct that....will be hell...In the end-I am hoping that it is all worth it. Fingers crossed :)

Crafts+Stay@home mom=LOTS OF CRAFTS

So, I have been collecting little things for the house for this deployment. I have little flags for the yard, my blue star flag, a lattern that the boys will light every night so daddy will find his way home, my deployment journal, deployment t-shirst for the boys, kisses box, some patriotic bows......the list goes on. Gosh!!! I am officially a loser and I gladly admit that.

Deployment is going to be sooo hard on us and I am dreading each part of it. Yet, if I do not keep my mind occupied with something else, I will spend each day dreading it instead of enjoying the time I have left. I just got to give myself fun things to do. So, I make crafts. I have a sewing machine that I am going to make stuff on and hopefully make the boys little outfits for Rob's homecoming. As soon as he leaves, I will start working on my homecoming box :) My deployment box will become my homecoming box. I even have an Iphone app for the deployment.

I may sound deployment crazy and overboard, and I probably am. For me, I need to have tons of things to keep my mind off of the bad. I love doing crafts and I love writing. So, I have a ton of little crafts and my little journal. I also have paper that I will make into a scrapbook/journal for Rob. Each month he is gone, I will send him a page with pictures and other things from the kids so that he can keep up with what we are doing.

I even am buying a flip camera for us. The idea is to film the boys doing things and then I will send it to him. He will then watch it and record a message for the boys. When we get it, the boys can watch him and see how much daddy misses his boys. My mind is just overflowing with ideas and I need to do them all so that they will get out of my mind!!!! I am on craft overload!!! Jeez-what the heck is wrong with me? Why am I so pathetic that I am creating so many crafts that I have them coming out my ears. It will only get worse when Bobby's deployment/homecoming craft book comes in. :) *Sigh*.

I feel like some people may make fun of me for what I am doing and may think that I Am totally pathetic. I do not feel like I should apologize for something that helps me cope. People have different ways of coping and my way is to make cute things that I can use for that time. :) Deployment is going to suck and it will not be easy at all. I want to make it as easy as I can for both bobby and me. Bobby loves painting and coloring and doing crafts alongside me. So, if crafting helps us, why do people still think that we are pathetic?? I will never know.

pulling hair out

Question!!! Why do I get the urge to tear my house apart to organize it right before I have company coming?? Why is it that a transition from a pack and play to a big boy bed resulted into a whole house organization?

We have good friends of ours coming and I am putting the spare room together. We decided now of all times would be a great time to buy a new bed. The plan was that we would move our bed into the spare room and get a new bed. Then I thought of making that the permanent spare room (since Jay still sleeps in our room) and then when he gets older have the boys share a room. So, in all of that I realize that Bobby has soo many toys and the reason that our house is such a mess all the time is that I get overwhelmed by the amount of toys that are out and that they don't have an exact place to go. Hence why I put off putting them off because it's all too overwhelming.

So, I went out and bought organization stuff, new bedding (one for our new bed-since we went from a queen to a king and one for bobby's new bed) and more organization stuff. Now, in the attempt to keep me stressfree and the house organized, I just overwhelmed by the amount of clutter of it all that is just sitting in my living room. Are you kidding me?? I am trying to avoid and I just made it even worse. All right before company....GOSH DARN IT!!!!

I hate when I do a plan and it all backfires on me. I am trying to eliminate the stress of clutter and I am just making it 10x worse. I suck sometimes!! I should have done it a little at a time instead of it all at one time. Woops....I should have thought about that beforehand. Oh well-It may just take a little longer to do but it will be done and I will be happier when it does. I just want to have a organized house and a stress free environment. How come that is so hard to attain when I try so hard. Oh well. :) It will all work out in the end... Or so we hope :)

JEEZ!!! I haven't written in a while. Holy cow!!! How did I go this long without writing? I feel horrid for it. Things have been so hectic with the birth of our youngest and now we are getting ready for Rob to be in and out of the field for about a month and a half. :( We just got back from leave which totally went by WAY too fast.

I thought going home would be horrible for me because I would just want to stay and I would not come home. Now, don't get me wrong, I thought about staying multiple times, but for once, I knew that I truly belonged in El Paso (for the time being). I struggle big time with friends and trying to find where I truly belong. In elementary and high school, I was never popular and always was shot down. I got burned soo many times by people I thought were my friends. Awesome memories.

Yet, this is different, for once, I am excited to get back to life here and pick up where I left off. Robert and I have found a really great couple that we are good friends with, really close friends of ours just got stationed here (super excited) and I am FRG leader. I am finally finding my knack in this place and El Paso is not as bad as it was 9 months ago. Funny how that really works. You hate a place until you find your nitch. I am still trying to find mine and I am slowly finding mine, but it makes this Army life easier on me.

I can't wait to PCS again and this time, I will handle it WAY better. I mean the whole Army Wife/life can either make you or break you. The way you handle PCS, field time, deployments, training will determine how your life and how much you actually enjoy this. I mean instead of dreading PCSing (like I did), look at it as an adventure. Deployment is easier if you don't say good bye- but see ya later. If you realize that he may be far away but never gone. I am so excited now that I got this new perspective on this crazy/hectic life :)

Big Girls Don't Cry

I swore to myself that I would breastfeed Jayden and I would not give up. With Bobby, I lost my supply after not making enough and having to supplement with formula. I swore to myself that it would not happen with Jayden.

From day one, I started fenurgreek and mother's milk tea. I realized that something was right with Jay because his newborn clothes were getting big on him, so I took him in. Sure enough, he went from 7 pounds 8 oz to 7 pounds 1 oz. I caught it just in time. With Bobby, I didn't catch it until he went from 8 pounds to 7 pounds. I was relieved that I caught it just in time and I was prepared for it. I had bought a breast pump and special bottles that mimic your flow all before Jay was born. I had prepared for this, I was prepared, yet it still hurt me to know that something was wrong with me. I mean, I understand failing with the first child, but with the second?

I started on supplementing ASAP . She had him eating 5 oz every feeding, yet he couldn't handle that much. So, I started feeding him 3-4 oz every two hours (he would go 4-5 hours usually) since he was taking less, he was still getting the 16-24 oz a day she wanted him to have. It was torture at night waking up every two hours to feed him. I still nursed him in between for snacks and at night, I would nurse him until I was totally empty and follow the next feeding with a bottle. We went back to the doctor two days later and he gained 9 oz!!!! The doctor was really pleased, but wished he had gained more. A three week old gaining 9 oz in two days is a feat in itself and I was not going to get discouraged. I was actually a little proud of myself that I had caught it in time and he was back his birth weight within two days. The pat on my back didn't last very long as I soon realized, I was losing my milk supply.

I upped my fenurgreek to three pills-three times a day, in addition to taking Flaxseed Oil and Milk Thistle-one pill three times a day. I combined these with my Mother's Milk. I prayed that this worked. I didn't want to give up soo soon and I wanted to get it so I could go back to just nursing. I love mommy-Jayden time and I was not about to give it up.

I am still not seeing results and I am devastated and the thought that I have to strictly formula feed. Why is something so natural so hard for me? Why would God gives us the ability to nurse and then allow some mothers to not have that ability? I just understand. I did everything right from day one. Got rid of my caffeine intake, limited my sodas, ate a lot of fruit, drank a lot of milk, water, and other things that kept my hydrated. WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH ME?? I am at my wits end and I want to give up now. I am tired of the hope I get when I try something new and then the disappointment that follows it when it doesn't work. I am tired of bawling every day because I am having to give him more and more formula because my milk is disappearing. I am on edge and depressed about it. I hate crying, I hate showing signs of weakness, I hate showing that something is wrong, yet I can't help it.

I planned for this and yet it still hurts. You can prepare all you want, but when it happens, you can't prepare for the hurt and the disappointment you feel in yourself. I have one more try on Wednesday when I go to the Baby Cafe. I even tried to get my doctor to prescribe me reglan to fix it, but she wouldn't. She just said keep supplementing and nursing. I DON'T WANt THAT!!!!!!!!!!!! I want to fully nurse my son. I want him to my success story with nursing, yet I can't succeed. It's like I am fighting a losing battle and I am just causing unnecessary pain and heartache. I thought I was doing great and I was so proud of myself, only to find out I was going down the same path. I am losing this battle, losing my fight to do what SHOULD come naturally. I shouldn't have to fight to keep my milk supply. I shouldn't have to fight to nurse my son or at least pump. I have tried everything and yet I am very unsuccessful. I just want to provide my son with MY milk. WHY IS THAT TOO HARD TO ASK??????